Need the men on this one!

[Rochelle]

Ok men, I need your help. My friend, who is married for 1 year, suspects that her husband is ADD. She is about ready to divorce him because of her frustrations. She was asking me all kinds of stuff regarding males and ADD. Can't help there :) I have ADD and didn't understand my own husband!

She tells me that she cannot get hubby distracted from the TV or the computer and she has evn become jealous of this stuff. He is very inattentative towards her, but others he acts as if he is attentative. She has given up trying to have conversations with him due to his "lack of interest". Which in turn, has killed their sex life and intimacy.

She can not figure out if it is another woman, him wanting a divorce (even though he says he loves her), or ADD.

I know as a female ADD'er that I do have a hard time walking away from something I am "hyper-focusing" on. But I was able to move from that issue to be with my husband at anytime.
He did think I was lazy, even though our home was always clean even though

So, need some male input. I will pass it on to her...or better yet get her to join this great group of people!

Thanks guys.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

On the surface this does indeed sound a bit like ADD and I can remember when I acted this way before my divorce with my first wife. However, with that said, I do not so much act this way with Joan. We are very entertaining together and enjoy spending loads of time together traveling and doing so much. We have a great life together that I appreciate.

Sometimes relationships need a spark, need that, that something. Not to rule out ADD, it could be, don't get me wrong. However, with the little bit of information you have provided, there is really no way to tell or be sure. We would need a lot more information and I would highly suggest counseling for the two involved.

[NerdyMommy]

Ok so I'm not a guy but you all know I can't resist adding my two cents...

1 year of marriage is not very long. Depending on how long they were together before marrying, it doesn't seem long enough to have lost the spark that brought them together.

Just my observation. And while I can't speak to the minds of men... I can say that a woman's intuition is rarely far off the mark. If she believes something is wrong, then something is wrong... and I would second Bryan's suggestion for counseling. If he won't go with her, she should go alone. It can really help.

[Rochelle]

Nerdy, I agree with you. A woman's intutition is usually smarter than she is :)
I keep encouraging her to join the site.

Bryan you are so smart!!!! You have a great insight. Especially because you have REALLY LEARNED from your own ADD and have achieved success through using your words of wisdom and putting TRUE value on your marriage. Cudos

[Rorey]

People don't usually send me funny emails (because I'm not that into swapping them - except apparently on this site) I got sent this today however and in the absence of something more useful, here it is, something about young boys. It came with some great photos too but I couldn't load them.

You also find out very interesting things when you have sons, like .....

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with WhiteKing makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

11.) 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super Glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jelly Crystal you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jelly.

15.) VCR's
do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in East Melbourne has a 3-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the White King and brake fluid.

[Rorey]

Well that was useful wasn't it. When I've finished looking for the brake fluid and White King. I'll see if can be more help.

[Rochelle]

I agree Leesa,
the humor was great! There should be a joke tab! Or at least ADD humor that has happened in our own lives...boy have I got a few!!!

[Chris AKA Dawg]

I can totally relate to the conversation complaint. I can be a fantastic conversationalist at certain times and sometimes not at all. Don’t understand lacking sex part after only one year. Even after 10 years I’m still probably considered hyper in that area. I’d rather watch paint dry than watch TV, so is that the cause of lack of sex? Or she’s just turned off by his zombie like personality? I would guess schedule could play a significant part in all this. She needs to be clear about her desires, and not leave it up to a guy to figure out the signals, because we’s dumb about that sometimes. Also they might want to try scheduling a time that would start out with some relaxing and romantic chit-chat (no TV!) with the understanding that it would lead to the physical stuff. I know that sound boring, making an appointment, but really it can be fun with excitement building all day. If she needs a quickie and he’s not catching on, tell her to take some initiative, and make it CLEAR. Not waiting for him to Catch on, he’ll appreciate that too I’m sure. Most often than not they both zone on the TV, she makes a couple attempts to lure him to bed, he’s clueless, she gets frustrated and goes to bed alone, by the time he get there, it ain’t happening. Ask her if I’m close or more specifics please. Lack of interest? Is that even possible for a guy lol. Not this guy.

[Patrick]

I hope I can help....maybe...maybe not...

First things first, sex for a guy is the only thing that you can both measure and clearly understood by either party. In that you are either doing for each other or not!

So she needs to really and on her heart ask herself is she still or ever was sexually turned on by him and does she... well ever "gotten" off with him. If the answer is no, and maybe is just a nice way of saying no, DUMP his sorry @ss and find a man who can. Then find out the reason she married him in the first place. Better to cut and run now then later when you have had multiple kids with the loser!

Now if she says yes he did or does get me "off" then you have something to work with...But my guess right now is no....

If yes let me know and we can chat more.....

[Scotty]

I have always felt that ones partner should come first for a relationship to work. If he's not willing to make her feel that way, then it is a problem. If he really wants the relationship to work, then he should be first willing to be evaluated for ADD/ADHD by a qualified doctor. Whether it turns out that he does or doesn't have ADD or ADHD, they should go to counseling together. That's just my opinion.

[Eliot]

I would google "add and spouses" and see what you can find. What I know is that early in a relationship, people with ADD will hyperfocus on his or her partner and then after a while, he or she won't pay that level of attention. This is where the problems arise. The non-ADD person feels this person is completely different than the one he or she met.

Definitely recommend counseling, and have your friend bring up her concerns of ADD to the counselor. If thehusband doesn't want counseling, he doesn't care too much about it, and it might be best for them to separate before there is more hurt.

TV and computers are horrible for people with ADD, especially those who aren't treated.

[jake]

It sounds more like he has lost interest in his wife, and doesn't care enough to shift his focus on what you are saying. I'm not saying that its not harder to do for someone with add, however in my experience i have to find a desire to put conscious effort into focusing on what a person is trying to communicate to me. There could be many many reasons for why he doesn't want to put effort into making his wife feel more attended to, but I think it sounds more like his concern is lies with his own feelings. just my opinion based on the little info we have. I'm not there in his head, so I don't know how much effort he is putting into it.

[JiFF]

I go through periods, where I ignore my wife, for a number of reasons, mostely stress related (and it's causing similar problems to what have been described here already.

Its often for me due to stress, and lack of communication. My wife requests alot from me. She's very attentive to all things around her, and a neat freak. I have great difficulty living up to those expectations and tend to withdrawl when I feel like I'm expending more energy and effort, and feel like I'm not getting equal concern back.

I am a very social person, but also get sucked into video games/work very easily. I hyperfocus on these things, and can get nasty if I am distracted. This has lead to some serious problems for my relationship as of late, and am working hard to modify my own behaviours. To think before acting, to slow down and address my emotional responce prior to any outburst or frustrating comment.

It's a long road, but I've learned a great deal of managing my disability in the past, and have found that there is only really ONE person that can improve ME. and thats Me. :-)

Now that I've finished, I'm not sure where i was going with this but anyway. I guess sometimes we just need to vent.