Forgiveness, is it really that important?

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

Rochelle's post on the representative items got me to thinking about one item, forgiveness! I was asked awhile back what it would take for me to let go of a lot of my anger, was it that I wanted an apology from some abusers in my past? NO. Was it that I wanted the to admit their abuse and lies? NO, who cares was my comment!

Was it that I wanted to forget them or cut them out of my life or that I had guilt about all of it and my life!

I have been told by some poeple that forgiveness is neccesarry to move on. I have seen others forgive a lot of people for things that would kill me to forgive.

So I was wondering what some ADHD'ers really thought about the importance of forgiveness, not like from a religious way or anything, but like from a PTSD, anxiety, ADHD kind of way?

[Bryan Hutchinson]

The key is to forgive one's self and free one's self from resentment which has built up over time, even if we don't realize it.

[Luke]

Forgiving myself is the thing that I seem perpetually unable to do. There was a lot of violence in my house growing up but most of the time I can forgive them because I know now how much they suffered too. It is also because a lot of the abuse that I suffered was because of alcoholism, and now that they are sober I can see that the disease was the problem.

It is completely different with ADHD to try to forgive myself for so much self-inflicted agony. I also feel like I should have realized sooner because my dad and sister were diagnosed years ago. I knew how similar the three of us were and yet it never crossed my minid that I could have it too. The whole situation still makes me so angry.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

yeah all good points for sure and it does come down to forgiving ourselves in a way I guess? I know that these people will never say they were sorry or maybe they justify their actions to themselves to live with themselves?

Maybe I need to realize I had no choices as a kid but to live the life I was born into and all that, I might need to let go of the fact there is nothing I could have done at the time but survive, but now I am an adult in control of letting this stuff run my life? I dunno, it is all rather confusing to me!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

yeah so true and that is what I am doing in sessions with my head doc, it is really hard work to do that hayjay, because there can be no forgiveness for certain individuals and acts, hence the "PTSD". So I guess I answered my own question that I cannot forgive them or I validate what they did as OK, I can only forgive myself and take control!

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Indeed Lizard. That's what I had to learn through years of therapy. It was a long road and you said it there, we did what we had to do to SURVIVE! Very important and no fault of our own!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

yes, this is a tough topic and I did have a hard time titling it, because it is not so much that I need to forgive these people, it is more like I just do not understand their actions and in a perfect world would have liked to know why they did certain things and that they would acknowledge the stuff was wrong and tell me why I had to be punished as a child the way I was and then...........well you get the idea. I hate not understanding why they made certain choices that made me who I am today?

I just don't understand why it has such control over my life? Maybe what I really want is to move on and I do not know how? I dunno?

[Chris AKA Dawg]

I think for some like, me, and the waterboy, resentment can be used as tackleling fuel! I find it Ironic how some can forgive much worse offenses than others have committed and refuse them.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

resntment does fuel anger in me - that is the core of the problem!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

Yup so true! I am who I am in spite of the stuff I think. That is one of my issues, I think too much. I try too hard to be different from them at times. When a side of me comes out that is similar to them, I don't like it at all.

I did live and believe the things that were said and done and thought I deserved that for so long, that is becomes a part of who you are. I am in the redefining stage now and that means having to deal with it in one form or fashion.

I often wonder if I would be who I am regardless of past circumstances - that is a deep question for another time. I have to go to work now, for my last sunday until next summer.

[Ariane Benefit]

That's deep, Liz. I don't talk about this much, cuz I'm really done with it and don't want to give it any more energy, but I grew up in an extremely violent and abusive situation. We moved 28 times before I was 8. I called the police constantly on my father who beat my mother to a pulp and put her in the hospital often. There was addiction, sexual abuse and much more.

I don't feel like these things are part of me anymore. I just am what I am as you said. These are things that happened to me. They AREN't me...they are what I survived. They can only part of me if I give them energy.

Processing through and letting go of the past is so freakin liberating. It took me many years...and it's painful as hell...but it's doable. Keep the faith!

I used to wonder ALL THE TIME how different my life would be. Like if I had a genetic clone who was raised with all good things, what would I be like? How different everything would be.

Bottom Line is: you have to find a way to accept that you can never know the answer to that. It's a futile train of thought. If you can redirect your brain with new questions, you can change your emotional state and your life dramatically.

Check out the book, Change your questions, Change Your Life. It's a foundational book in the world of coaching. It really rocked my world and got me on the path toward having what I want instead of ruminating over my resentments toward my parents.

Here's a big hug {{{{Liz}}}}} for ya.

hope you are feeling better!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

thanks, I think I will check that book out!

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Good point!