Forgiveness, is it really that important?

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

Rochelle's post on the representative items got me to thinking about one item, forgiveness! I was asked awhile back what it would take for me to let go of a lot of my anger, was it that I wanted an apology from some abusers in my past? NO. Was it that I wanted the to admit their abuse and lies? NO, who cares was my comment!

Was it that I wanted to forget them or cut them out of my life or that I had guilt about all of it and my life!

I have been told by some poeple that forgiveness is neccesarry to move on. I have seen others forgive a lot of people for things that would kill me to forgive.

So I was wondering what some ADHD'ers really thought about the importance of forgiveness, not like from a religious way or anything, but like from a PTSD, anxiety, ADHD kind of way?

[Rochelle]

Now, would be a nice time to have a magic ball! If only life were that easy.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

I want life to be that easy, then maybe it would not be so complicated and I would not have to think all the time or worry!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

Yup, you are correct again, but some of us at times of feeling sorry for ourselves, feel like we do not deserve it!

I definitely like connection to people similar to myself and even people different, I like acceptance for the most part, but have a hard time conforming to get it, and love is a toughy - I like love from like my kids, my dog and stuff, beyond that, I am not sure what that really means! YUP, I am complicated, because at times I pontificate entirely too much, hence the comment about thinking too much!

I have that - that is interesting, yeah to a degree, I do have that here and elsewhere, I just have a hard time seeing the obvious at times. Sometimes I feel flawed for that reason too. But, it is cool and good, I am good. thanks for pointing out the obvious, sometimes I need that - I just tell people to hit me with a 2 x 4 so I get it at times!

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

hahahaha, yes hayjay! For me they are significantly different! I understand fire even when it wants to kick your ass, I know how to deal with wildland fires, predict worse case scenarios, adapt to plan A to Z as conditions change.

I don't know people! Social stuff and situations, I have trust issues in personal dealings, I am out of my element in all that, that kind of fire will burn me!

[Ariane Benefit]

LOL....I'm the same way! People often tell me how "resilient" I am and how quickly I bounce back. but I know it's because I completely forget all the little things people do to me. : ) the big things, well, that's another story. I love what you said about sleep "wiping the slate clean" that's exactly how I feel about it!

[Rochelle]

Anna, you are such a good writer.
Cudos to you, and all of us, willing to share about our own forms of forgiveness.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

Wow, this topic has generated more response then I expected, must be a lot of people that think about and dwell on the same issues as I do! I am glad to see how others view it, it helps at times when I struggle with these topics that are heavy on me!

[NerdyMommy]

That, I think, is the beauty of this community. Finally.... I (and I suspect most of us) have found a place of understanding. It's a beautiful thing.

[Maddge]

My take on forgiveness, if you'll forgive my wandering into the religious realm, is that ultimately it is between God and your transgressors whether forgiveness happens. (And perhaps this is just the JudeoChristian way of saying, you "...can't really control the actions of others...")

Not to dis NerdyMommy's contributionss, which I always find valuable. But I find I don't "always have a choice of how I wish to react" when a post traumatic panic attack strikes.

Liz: "....some of us at times of feeling sorry for ourselves, feel like we do not deserve it!" It can be difficult to get help at these times when the usual response is something along the lines of, "Stop whining about others and go beat yourself up instead for not accepting reality and reacting so badly."

Some of us need to feel sorry for ourselves using the ever-popular Stages of Grief. Stage one (grief) needs to be completed before taking on the rest. Unfortunately, stage six (acceptance) is the most popular one with well-meaning supporters (including self) because, ultimately, that's the one that they remember getting them to get over it and move on.

You are very insightful to have discovered the need for self forgiveness instead of others. Maybe you find it difficult because you judged your coping skills as flawed? Maybe you learned to beat yourself up, for grieving instead of accepting, to cope with that? That would make forgiveness impossible, if not undesirable, as forgiveness implies you were wrong to take care of yourself in the first place. Circular reasoning...

What's helping me complete the grieving process is to remember I need to honor myself for having coped so well and the process by which I escape the effects of the past trauma, considering the given challenges.

Honor the self first. Then maybe forgive yourself for blaming yourself for not being more forgiving, or allowing it to happen when you really had no reasonable alternative. Then maybe the choice of how to react will come as easily as NerdyMommy implies.

Getting past stage one in terms of grieving over onself is really difficult, especially if circumstances have led to an inability to connect with one's true feelings in the first place. I just read a slim book called, "The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self," by Alice Miller, that deals with this topic really well. (The term "gifted" is used loosely to describe one's ability to adapt to a rotten childhood.)

[NerdyMommy]

Maddge... I didn't intend to imply that choosing how to react is something that comes easily. It's taken me a long time to be able to control my reactions to circumstances, and to be able to step back and recognize when I am trying to control things that are out of my control. I developed this skill out of necessity, because if I didn't learn a way to deal with the trauma that I have suffered at the hands of others, I was going to completely self destruct.

So no.... it's not easy. But it can be done - and you're right, by the way - that being able to forgive starts with being able to forgive yourself. And that's so much harder than forgiving someone else.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

I think Keath said it best in a conversation the other night, to me it implies lack of trust and vulnerability, which is a weakness to me (or used to be)!

In the past if I showed vulnerability, it was like someone went in for the kill!

I am learning to control these things to a degree, or at least my reaction to them, but when these "flashback" moments attack me at random, it is hard is all.

Self destruction is a good way to look at it, that was my path and coping before I started dealing with them.

[Maddge]

OH. Forgive me. I thought dealing with the uncontrollable was part of believing in a higher power. I'm sure you know more than I do.