I'll start a discussion. This was what it was like for me growing up.

[Shane]

AD/HD is a very unforgiving and alienating neurological disorder. Often times those of us who are afflicted with find ourselves being ostracized and we feel like outcasts and freaks. Even worse we feel like we're stupid, worthless, and dysfunctional.

When I was attending school, I did very poorly in elementary. I had and have a very difficult time with my impulse control. If I thought of something I reacted to these ideas immediately and I did not have the reserve to meditate upon the ramifications. My teachers would get frustrated with my outbursts and I ended up being the brunt of my cruel peers jokes which resulted in a lot of confrontations. Often times these exchanges in discourse ended in violence. By the time I was in high school I learned to control my temper enough that I could walk away from a potential scuffle, however my impulse control had not evolved.

As an adult I am still somewhat of a misfit, meaning I am still socially dysfunctional. Not because I want to be, its just that during a conversations amongst my contemporaries I feel the need to vocalize my thoughts quickly before I forget them. Often times my friends and coworkers think I am being rude. I've always been unemployed and underemployed because I was guilty of making many mistakes. Or female employees felt uncomfortable around me because I did not think about the proximity of our two bodies while working tight quarters. I was too engrossed in my work and my mental faculties demanded intense effort to maintain my concentration on my tasks. Because my cognitive state was and is in constant flux I was very distracted by trying keep focus on my work, I did not pause to give consideration to women coworkers comfort zone when we came into close physical contact. Ultimately my employment was terminated because of either gross incompetency or inappropriate behavior.

However after 36 years of being a slave to my impulses, social dysfunction, and inability to maintain concentration, I now feel like that I have a whole new brain. My medication is working very well, I can finally be aware of my environment and my interpersonal communication and social skills have improved. I feel like I am just now learning how to survive and coexist effectively and in a positive way. I visualize my personhood in foreign a state of perception as it evolves. Exploring this alien environment is proving to be a very difficult endeavor, however I am looking forward to my trek ahead.

What was it like for you growing up with AD/HD or ADD? And how is it for you now?

[DANA]

From the time that I entered school in kindergarten, I had felt like something was not quite right. In kindergarten, I recall my teacher scolding me for holding my crayon in my left hand, instead of my right hand. The teacher insisted that I switch hands and she forced me to use my right hand.

In first grade, I hated my teacher with a passion because she made fun of me in class and she would humiliate me. It was a horrible experience and I was held back to repeat first grade the following year. Thankfully, the school district sent me to another school and my new teacher was very kind, patient and understanding.

From elementary school all the way up to senior high school, I struggled academically and I never understood why I had such a hard time figuring out school work when all of my friends did so well. Back in the 1970's and 1980's, girls were not evaluated or diagnosed with learning disabilities or ADHD. I some how slipped through the cracks and was shuffled from grade to grade.

When I was in elementary school, I was much of a dreamer who spent my time writing poetry and short stories. I did have girlfriends as I was growing up and I was social, but I always felt as if I never "fit in" with the other girls. Once I was in junior high, I did not fit in with the jocks who were athletic, the burnouts who smoked or drank alcohol, or the nerds who were so smart.

As a teenager, I began rebelling, getting into trouble, skipping school and making very impulsive decisions that always got me into trouble. I constantly got into trouble at school for talking too much in class. (Hey, I can not help it that I have the gift for gabbing!)

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and my single mother did not help me with school work. My mom rarely ever saw my report card and as a teenager, I used to forge her name so she would never know how bad my grades were. My mom was oblivious to what I was doing and she was preoccupied with dating, working full-time and trying to raise five daughters all by herself.

As an adult, when I went to college and received high honors, I was shocked because I normally never did that good in school. It definitely motivated me to keep on applying myself and it was very rewarding to receive good grades. However, due to the undiagnosed ADHD, I drifted from one major in college to another and I was very impulsive.

I never understood why I would lose interest in college, in boyfriends or in jobs. My mom and older sisters would always tell me that I did not take anything serious and that I was a "quitter." It really bothered me and upset me that my family would not understand me and they would make nasty comments to me. I always felt very misunderstood.

I wish that I knew then what I know now about ADHD because I think that it would have made a world of difference in school, jobs and relationships. I am not surprised that all three of my kids have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, but part of me feels so horrible for them to have to experience this challenging condition.

As a parent, I consider my kids "high maintenance" and a full-time job. I love them dearly, but they do demand much of my time, energy and attention. It can become quite draining at times in which I am completely exhausted and totally overwhelmed. I have to continually force myself to find a balance, take time out for myself to find peace and enforce boundaries to maintain sanity. Do any other parents of ADDer kids feel this way, too?

[Anna Newman]

I absolutely do! My son is 12 and is a full time job by his self!!! When he was 3 I knew he was different-smarter than the other kids and he NEVER stayed still. I told my husband and peditrician I thought he had ADHD but they all scolded me that I was making snap judgments and he was "just a boy", that's just how boys are. But no one else had a child like mine and no one seemed to care. Since he is bright, smart and well behaved no one thought anything about it until the 5th grade when his teacher recognized ADHD because her son had it. My son was tested and diagnosed and we are still trying different medicines and therapists trying to find the right help for him. His energy is frenetic and exhausting. He goes to extremes, is super impulsive, short attentioned, and has to be micromanaged. My daughter is about to turn 5 this month and I already recognize the ADD symptoms in her. Because of my son's situation she gets left out of conversations and doesn't get to do as much. I have been working really hard to change that. She is painfully shy and not motivated to speak up for herself. The two are so different. I am working so hard to have balance in our lives and it is all consuming!!! I'm also trying to manage my own ADD and educate myself about behavior therapy, parenting and mentoring ADHD kids, philosphy, religion and I need a job now to help with the expenses. I can't tell anyone about any of it, I have no family of my own, no friends and I often feel shut in and bottled up. I used to scrapbook as a hobby and a way to have a little "me time" but I find I just can't do it anymore. There's too much reading to do, learning to do, things to try-I don't have the time or creativity for it anymore. Sometimes I don't have time to finish a thought or a sentence anymore. "High maintainance" doesn't do it justice! It's really a way of life. They need a new name for this. I sympathize with you COMPLETLY!!!!

[DANA]

Anna, my son and daughter sound a bit like your son and daughter! My daughter was born right before my son was evaluated or diagnosed with ADHD and learning disabilities. He was literally bouncing off the walls and driving me crazy!

My daughter who is four years younger than him is totally opposite of him. She has always been very quiet, shy, passive, afraid to try anything new, afraid to socialize, afraid to be in large crowds and she is very sensitive, but tries to keep her emotions and feelings to herself.

My son required so much supervision and one on one attention from me that my daughter was not receiving the attention or time that she needed from me. I always felt caught in the middle of them and I felt so guilty.

The worst time in my life as a parent was when my four year old son tried to strangle my daughter when she was only five months old. It was a living nightmare to have to deal with my sons violent behavior and aggression. He literally hated that I had a baby girl and that she was a new addition to our family.

It got to the point where I could not even leave my son alone with my daughter because he was so violent and misbehaved. He constantly was trying to physically hurt his sister and it became apparent that I had a crisis to deal with. My son was immediately evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD, along with many other labels. He was admitted to the children's psychiatric unit of a local hospital when he was four years old.

This was by far the MOST difficult and heart wrenching experience that I have had to endure as a parent. As a parent, I love all of my kids and I want the best for each one of them. It was emotionally pure hell for me to leave my little boy in a child psychiatric unit. However, I knew that he needed help and that I was doing the right thing to find help for him.

While my son was in the psychiatric hospital, he was started on Ritalin, which did help calm him down and help him focus. The psychiatrist had my son in therapy and group sessions with other kids to work through issues of bad behavior and aggression. Eventually, my son was discharged and started out patient therapy. He gradually started showing better behavior once the Ritalin got into his system.

My son is 18 years old now and his sister is 14. They still do not get along as well as I had hoped. My son has come along way and he has dramatically improved in his behavior. He is not nearly as hyper and he is no longer aggressive. Once he started learning how to play instruments and getting good at it, he improved in many area's in his life. My son is very social and he has many friends that he hangs out with.

On the other hand, my 14 year old daughter has become much more anti-social the older she gets. As a little girl in elementary school, she was quiet, but still made friends. She always had friends over our house or she would go to their house to play. Once puberty kicked in and she became a teenager, her social skills have suffered. She is a loner, she is not thrilled with making new friends and she does not seem to mind spending a great deal of time at home.

As for my youngest child who is now 11, she is more social than her sister, but she is also totally different in her personality. She is more hyperactive, loves to sing, chat on the phone, go out often and keep busy.
My two girls get along pretty good and they have fun together.

The one thing that I started doing with each of my kids from the time that they were young was have "date night" with one child at a time. Each child would have to take turns with me. We would plan something fun that they wanted to do and we would have time to spend together just one on one. My kids have always loved that the most! This way, there is no competition with siblings trying to get my attention. Whoever I am with on "date night" is receiving 100% of my time, energy and attention.
You do not have to spend a ton of money on "date night" with each child.
You could go to a local park, go have an ice cream cone, ride bikes or whatever. The main purpose is to just have some fun together and to spend quality time together.

My 18 year old is no longer interested in spending time with me since he is so much older and I guess it is not "cool" to be hanging out with mom!
However, my two daughter's still love it and we enjoy it!

[tere]

Yes!!! As a woman with ADHD, very little in life has been easy. However, no matter how hard anything else ever was, it was just a dress rehearsal for the relentless, exhausting, often overwhelming challenges of parenting. I,too, was a stay-at-home mom for the first 11 years (my daughter is 12) because there was no way I could parent these kids and work at the same time. To top it all off, for a couple of years I got the bright idea to try homeschooling them, too!( My advice to ADHD moms considering homeschooling--don't do it unless you simply enjoy making your life difficult.) Anyway, I just wanted to respond back and let you know that you are not alone in your experience of struggling as a parent in coping with your own ADHD and your children's as well and the difficulties that imposes on every aspect of family life.

[Lisa Forman]

Have you ever though of buddism. There is a great free podcast called zencast. The have great talk on everything, from right speech, action to forgiveness, fear, being in the moment. It is free through itunes store. It is amazing and has changed my life. I now believe in the divine, universe, whatever you want to call it. And am working to allow myself to feel that I too am part of the divine and always was.

I have a lot of anger around the past and have blamed life, society and of course my parents. It took a long time to realize that I've been angry at myself for buying into all the invalidation and manifesting it as an adult.
Now I am learning how to forgive myself and others so that I can live the rest of my life fully. Having money, status and a master degree means nothing. this is all my parents now about me - and they are freaking that I am on disability and will not return to the work I had ever again.

Why did I put myself in a box, when as a kid I refused so strongly to live a live based in materialim and societal fuckup rules. Cause I took on the fears and anxiety of my parents. Not anymore. I'd rather be happy and poor, than financial stable and angry.

I have faith that we all are going to ascend when the system of the world finally crumbles. This year is the year of Oya, from the Yoruba religion. Oya is the gatekeeper to the cemetery and orisha of the winds. Oya indicates a time of upheavel or sudden change, of a destructive and chaotic but necessary nature. This destructive clearing makes room for vibrant new growth.

Have faith,

Lisa

[janne wallace]

truly thank you for your sharing:)
my getting diagnosed-was one of the most powerful things i ever have done in my life.
it put an end to what i wasn't-which was crazy-and the like. just with lack of knowledge to what
was going on with me.
more later:)
janne w

[janne wallace]

(continued fr last) my diagnosis was for dyscalculia-of which has me "masking" of ADD symptoms too.
despite so-i've learned over many years of therapy-and now using a coach (believe me people-a coach and therapist-are not one in the same!-universally therapist helps with backstory-and its aches and pains thereof
being short with define-but truly no mean of dishonoring how hard the work can be/is with doing therapy with therapist!) the coach is helping with taking what i do spin of many an idea out of head-and getting them concreated on to mediative means (ie; paper, recording by voice-or through my hands-which edifies my learning style (extremely helpful to me): i'm an tactile, auditory-then kinesthetic-learner-and very articulate to boot-despite:) dyscalculia!) though i'm not at all a great grammarian or punctuative expert! (lol!)

the friends that i have-have known me for just a short time (w/in 5 years) and are aware that i'm dyscalculic, and help me encourage to look at them when i talk with them especially about deeply going into my feelings. or the express of loving myself-and well-by enjoying the account to say so to them!:) that i love them-that is,
as well as myself..

i take no meds for my dyscalculia-just OTC's which is about to include resveritrol (60 mins article on-no kickback for plugging..) from how it stimulates cellular activity (truly safe-'probably safer than caffeine) and oxygenates those cells of our bodies-'anyway 'learning more about that.
i also have to exercise because doing so-helps to change the brainwaves about me (or anyone else that does brisk resistance/aerobic movement for at least 30 mins.) exercise from the brainwaves changing from gain of oxygen/greater blood flow and increase of endorphins-with (especially in my case) open up of the meridian lines about my body-helps my energy to laser focus/expand my attention pay to things, thoughts, feelings..across the day.
so as i'm learning and growing-even with being dyscalculic-that i can have a life that works-and is increasingly growing better-day to day, or month to month-with also tracking the proof that it is through my expressions, thoughts, feelings, friends-and being good one to them (even if a fight or two across the year might occur-each of us the proven worthwhile of "kiss and makeup":) i'm "writing a better story" of my life across this time-that someone by at least spiritual legacy-will catch fire with and run with-to create a even better (intended) write of story-across their life despite the challenges..
mine-in this lifetime-is dyscalculia-and i will not: "have it kick my ass":)
TBC
janne w

[LateAgain]

Hey Shane, I hear you. To answer your question of what it was like growing up I just posted a blog you may want to read. It's an open letter to all my H.S. teachers................Peace, LA

[Gary]

Shane, you could have been writing my autobiography. I also enjoy a life-long fascination with words and languages. My current writing project is a crime thriller because, despite years of lessons, I truly suck as a graphic artist :)

Before my medication it was like being in a pea-soup fog. Those little blue tablets made the sun come out and now there's no limit to my vision. Suddenly I could focus without being hyperfocussed. I could choose to control my impulses instead of just being conditioned to control them by repeated punishment. I'm finding my new career as an actor to be immensely challenging but infinitely rewarding as I learn to have impulses and act on them in ways that bring people joy.

I don't remember ever winning a physical fight in school but years later, after the need had passed, I became a martial artist. I find that the physical and mental disciplines of aikido (and now karate) give my perfectionism a healthy outlet as well as giving me some tools to get around my previous stumble-footed, accident-prone existence. Not that Spazatron doesn't still come to visit! I'm also in better physical condition than any of my younger friends which also helps my self esteem.

I'm teaching self defense to people who really don't want to be in arguments, let alone fights. Perhaps that's my revenge on the bullies of my childhood -- taking away their potential victims.

I agree with Bryan. It's wonderful to see that there are people on the Internet who come across as erudite and well educated rather than living in a morass of IM-speak.

[Tam Phillips]

Hi Shane,

I'm new to this website and am just reading through some of these comments and realised that i can totally relate to all this. I have never talked to other adhd people about having adhd! Yay for this website.

When i was young i was different to everyone else, wearing my mothers clothes or high heels which were way too big - but it got a laugh! Having my hair up like Cyndi Laupers in silly ponytails. I never liked the same stuff as the other girls - which became a problem. I remember our class saying how much they all loved horses and Bryan Adams and i said i didnt like either of them, you could have heard a pin drop. that type of situation has happened a million times since. I dont follow the trends or people, i must say what i think - when i think it or i may forget it just like you said! I acted like a cat all through primary school and got bullied a lot. My teachers loved me though, they all said i would be a writer one day, i wrote lots of funny stories and told speeches in front of the community, played keyboard too - i got to grade 5 (grade 8 was teacher level) when i was 9! I went to every church, tried every religion - asked too many questions why why why?


Then as i got to puberty i started to get really moody - pmt! damn it. more stress. at 11 i started intermediate school (between primary and high school)then i got really fat, and lost what few friends i did have. I am still trying to deal with the loss of friends in counselling now, i dont understand how people can be so mean. I tried really hard in class, but my teacher had it out for me, she didnt like me at all and made my life hell.

I started smoking at 12, dyed my hair at 13, starting getting piercings at 14, got suspended from high school heaps of times, spent most days in detention for getting smart to the teachers - i think that is that oppositional defiant thing i have read somewhere, but i still would do it today! I would sit in the corridors doing my school work as no teacher could handle me. i remember one time i had bright green eyeshadow on and the teacher made me wash it off, and another time i had nail polish on and another teacher made me scrape it off with a knife till it was all gone. lucky the strap was no longer allowed i think i would have got that heaps!

i couldnt stop being more and more louder and disruptive and was the class clown. others would laugh - at me or with me, some would tell me to shut up, but it only fuelled the fire! I got "asked to leave" high school the day i turned 16, but mum wouldnt let me.

one lunch i was at the park across the road from the high school having a smoke, and two teachers were hiding behind a tree and they jumped out and took me back to school and i was suspended till the board meeting where they all "expelled" me!

Yay now i could have my blue hair! I ended up with 23 piercings at one stage, i made lots of crazy friends and had heaps of fun - dabbling in all sorts of drugs and alcohols - which i now regret and think about and am trying to deal with. I got diagnosed with ADHD after the expulsion. I didnt care at that time. it was the schools problem not mine. (so i thought)

I ended up doing correspondence school and didnt finish that, then i went to uni, and didnt finish that either! I milked some cows with my friend, and that was the start of my agriculture career! the physical and mental challenge was just what i needed.

which leads me to where i am now - studying another degree and realised crap. i cant sit still, i would go for three drives in an hour, make lots of cups of coffees/teas etc, start cleaning the house, and decided - damn i'm 25 and still being defiant and naughty even when there is no teacher to growl me! so i went to see a psychiatrist and am doing ok now, trying to talk through my past is hard but necessary to move on. so many times i have wished i could just be "normal" and follow the crowd, and shut my mouth, and then i think NAH! i love the way i am (most of the time!)

[Scott]

If there is one thing that impresses itself upon me (and I've been to a lot of message boards over the years) is that ADD people are extremely well written. And most people in general are NOT well written online. I have read people saying that there isn't necessarily a link between ADD/DRD4 and intelligence. But the feeling I get from ADD message boards would seem to indicate a hell of a lot of uncommon well "spoken" people, if you will.

The entire ADD/ADHD (what is the difference, btw? Aside from parsing?) thing is a morass tied up with psychological practice, parents who don't understand their kids and lots of pharmacological lucre. Think about this- I am quite aware of society, news and popular culture- a little too much for my own liking- and I did not know there was such a thing as "adult ADD". As in, I literally thought ADD was a diagnosis of hyperactive and/or difficult to manage kids and had never, ever heard otherwise until I turned 34. Like it's a secret or shameful or something. Probably a combination of that and the fact that most people with the gene go undiagnosed and either come out alpha successes at life, or live lives of a frustrating want for answers.

I overcame every negative of ADD without realizing it. Oh- it wasn't easy, and I spent the majority of my teenage years consigned to a solitary and profoundly unpleasant circle of Hades. But I did it and all the weird, sort of unusual accomplishments I had over the years in thought and at work I just chalked up to being 'smart'.

But the truth of it, in my opinion (as in some others) is that us ADD/ADHD people are an apparatus of natural selection, the species needed us to overcome threatening environmental problems. It also needs us to invent things. Like the light bulb, for example.

[Ellen J]

Scott,
THANK YOU!!! You made me smile for the 1st time today! I'm having a terribly down day - got up at 12:45 and curled up on the sofa watching TV for 4 or 5 hrs. and I'm still not dressed. Reading these posts (not sure WHY, as they are very sad) didn't help. Then I came to the last paragraph -yours- and I had to smile. I plan to remember that little nugget of wisdom. :-)