"How many of us have tried to tell those around us that something was wrong and were not taken seriously?"

[Maddge]

I'm using a quote from a post hayjay made for the discussion title. It struck a nerve with me because a good friend recently did that. I'm trying to figure out whether I really want to hang with someone who would say they care, then do that sort of thing, but stilll expect me to take them seriously. I'm thinking I'd rather not hang with people who can't be supportive of me.

[NerdyMommy]

I think that you have to be understanding in your definition of 'supportive', when it comes to ADHD. For anyone who doesn't have it, it's an extremely difficult concept to comprehend, even when the person is receptive to the idea. I think it's very easy for someone to mean well, to truly care about you, and truly desire to be supportive of you, and yet fail miserably, in your eyes. It's caused by alot of things, but mostly I feel, by communication problems.

Before you drop your friend, I think you should have a serious conversation with him/her. Tell them how you feel. Say, "Friend, I don't feel like you are taking XXX seriously, and it's really a problem for me that I would like your help in dealing with." Then take the time to explain exactly what "taking it seriously" means to you - I am finding out myself that what someone needs and what I wind up giving them, even with the best intentions, is very often two different things.

Benefit of the doubt is always, in my opinion, something you owe to your friends. However, if that doubt is erased - meaning, if you have a talk and the friend is still not supportive or understanding... then I would agree - you need to surround yourself with supportive people, people who will build you up - not those who pull you down. We ADDers are more than capable of pulling ourselves down, all by ourselves - we don't need any help in that area. What we need, is people who will bring us up, who see the best in us and help us work around the worst in us.

I really hope your friend just didn't understand what you needed from him/her, and that with some communication, you will find yourself with someone who validates your concerns and makes you feel good about yourself. We all deserve that.

[stella arnold]

totally agree... i was at uni studying social work degree (woo get me lol) and discovered i had ADHD brilliant after research i found it wasthe one thng i'd been diagnosed of which was so spot on i cried....anyway slightly of the point...i was so ellated that i told m new "close" friends at uni the diagnosis and all of a sudden i was bieng ignored an treated like their younger annoying sister...(when in fact i was older than them!) damn this keyboard... i was being ignred, avoided, sniggered about and finding silence when i approached or that i was being interupted and talked over as if what i had to say was just to seek attention, one day after walking away countless times to cry (as i was training to be a social worker i had to refrain from violent confruntation) i found i was out of my depth as i could not control my infuriaion at this insult of my intellignce and self worth, i confronted them and was told that they weren't going to run after me everytime i cry and that they thought all i wanted was attenton! now this was from a fellow social wrk student how ironic! so i told them not to flatter themselves, that iwas certainly not doing it for attenton and that it was i fact to avoid smashing their heads into a wall and killing thier parents (lol i didnt say the kiling ur parents bit lol) i then proceeded to tell themin no uncertain terms they would make great social workers if they could judge me and treat me in such a prejudiced way! i confided in one girl (masquerading as a woman) that my mum had told me she wanted tokill herself..in the hope i would get some advise and much needed comfort... only to be met with a discussion about make up! i thought i was the one with the disorder! personaly i think some normies have a syndrome called i'm an impervious asshole.....
needless top say i dropped out finding the whole experience far too frustratingly hipocritical to carry on with (especialy the social work systemand curriculum for learning it was a complete farse and all about lip service to the service user and how to cover ur ass with jargen and paper work!) it was counter productive to my life etc i felt like a imagine jesus felt when he tipped over the tables of money in jerrusalem or somewhere! i was having vivid visions of taring over tables and exposing the reality of thier bull**** to the world and redefining social work! i knew this was notgoing to hae any effect other than me being carted off to the loony bin, so i left. and i don't regret this because if i hadnt had the experience i would always wonder if i'd have made a good social worker etc....but now i know i would make a brilliant social worker but would get fired the minute i was hired and also that i never ever wanted to work within an institution like that or kiss ass and be treated like dog shite for another 3 years just to be exposed to more of it 100 tmes worse lol!this is where i discovered failure is much better than regret!! omg i have rambled on 4 ages n think i went totally off the point?!

i now name thee

soap box queen
over and out boy scout

[Maddge]

Thanks for the responses. It's good to have insight on the male emotional process, GF. It's hard to determine communication problems vs. personality problems until it's too late sometimes, NM. Thanks for bringing that consideration to the table.

Red flags went up when my friend used the sharing of my vulnerability as license to treat me as pathetic and insecure, SA. Still trying to figure out if it's worth beating that point home when he'd still rather blame everything on my confusing neurological condition.

When I say, "Ow, that hurt," a friend will respond helpfully. Anyone whose immediate response is defensive is not concerned with my best interests, regardless of prostests to the contrary. I'm starting to doubt the value of any further investigation.

Thanks for helping me think.

[NerdyMommy]

yeah cause, ya know... men ARE neanderthals at times... as my good friend GF has pointed out to me (and even demonstrated at times hahaha!) But you're right, you cannot allow someone to take your vulnerability and use it for evil purposes. Don't feel guilty for wanting to surround yourself with love and acceptance - there's too much of the other crap out there.

[Joan Hutchinson]

Interesting GF... A lot of guys, me included, aren't that intuitive, certainly not to the extent that women often are. So he may - if it is a guy - need more of the direct "sit down and listen to me" approach.
Guys are expected to be "okay", they don't usually talk about their inner turmoil or problems like women do. It makes sense that your guy friends would not understand that you are dealing with some complex concerns. It is not that men are not as intuitive as women, but more that men are not social problem solvers...women talk about everything private, personal, and emotional with other women.... in every setting work, grocery store, home, gym, dinner parties. Guys however are visual than intuitive...they see that you are a healthy looking guy; ergo you could not have anything wrong with you. Your male friends probably are not so much indifferent to your sincere self revelation, as they are concerned and simply do not know how to show it or discuss it. If you guys are still hanging out, then he accepts and cares about you with or without ADHD and what could be better. Joan

[Maddge]

Gay men can be the worst, because they get to be all emotional and girly when it's their turn to wallow, but then get to be all distant and manly when I open my mouth. And I'm supposed to understand that because men "aren't that intuitive..." --uh huh, except when it's THEIR turn to vent.

I think all men are programmed to get away with as much crap as humanly possible. ;)

More on the original story: See, I'd told this buddy I had ADHD and made sure he was okay with it. Then, LSS, one night I suffered a brainfart and begged for his help, but he abandoned me as punishment instead. When I protested later, he said he had no idea I had ADHD, had every excuse to treat me badly, and I should just get over it.

Had I known he'd forgotten my condition, I would never have revealed the presense of my brainfart in the first place. The thought of using ADHD as an excuse for anything makes my queasy.

The problem is, his response to my calm, genuine request for help was devastating to my trust in him. If I were choking on food, would he take the international sign for a heimlich as an insult and leave me to die in the street?

But in the spirit of forgiveness, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and accepted his emailed "apology" (such as it was), with the caveat that I'd need some assurance that sort of undeserved abandoment wouldn't happen again.

Haven't heard from him since. Perhaps if I apologize for being hurt, or damage myself in some other way for him, I might get a response. But would that be worth it for someone I don't feel that close to anymore? I don't think anyone has a right to hold it against me for feeling hurt when they knowingly caused me pain.

[A]

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately trying to juggle my life as a widowed mom of 3 girls, working full-time and just trying to keep all my plates spinning at once. Especially not fun when you add ADHD and have 2 kids with the condition, one of which has special needs. I've been having some medical tests done lately and working to get the kids ready for school and messed up 2 appointments -- I thought my medical appt. was at 2:00 and it was 8 that morning so I missed it and had to reschedule. Then I showed up a day early to meet my daughter's new teacher.

When one of my co-workers who is also a friend found out, her comment was to say, wow, you've been doing that a lot. Sheesh where's your head?

I felt stupid enough already, but that sure didn't help. She knows about my condition and what I have going on, but she makes me sound like an idiot.

[Joan Hutchinson]

No programming, just reality for some folks Go Figure, Namely, men aren't so much "programmed to get away with as much crap as humanly possible," as we are programmed to TRY doing so. When our programming miserably fails and you catch us in the attempt, we dissemble, feign this or that, and often initiate a series of counter accusations to mask our retreat.
Don't think men or anyone is trying to get away with anything per se...more likely that some people don't respond emotionally to our needs on a dime to suit our needs when we desire it. Who knows what they may already be dealing with in their own lives? Perhaps, we should take responsibility for our own emotional needs and not rely on others to validate or save us from ourselves. Good friends are such not because of what they can give us, but what we can offer them as well. Our friends may need understanding and patience as we would like from them...they may need time to deal with difficult information or emotional situations...accepting a friend back into your life even after 3 months and a day is still worth the wait.
Joan

[Katie]

Yes... it really sucks when people do that. My dad until very recently thought that ADD was some mythical "catch all" disorder that lazy people could just use as an excuse. I wasn't diagnosed with ADD until I was 24, and I was totally relieved that I could pin all of my quirky issues on an actual condition! But when my own father rejected that idea, it was a blow that I didn't quite know how to deal with. I researched everything I could get my hands on that discussed ADD and I would leave articles for my dad to read (dad is the kind of person who needs science to back everything up). It took about a year before he came around, and now he even sends me e-mails from time to time with a link to some ADD website or article. Now I'm dealing with a boss who doesn't believe that ADD is real... and I am in the same boat as far as not really wanting to go into much effort in explaining it all to him. I don't feel like I should have to try to get someone to believe me when I have never lied to them before! It's hard enough to open up about having a "disability" and it feels like such a slap in the face when it is dismissed as a lie.

[Patrick]

Man lets beat up on the guys some more please........

I can turn the tables say the same for some of the ladies I knew.

Best thing is to be strong and confident in yourself. Sit down and write out who you are why your strong and confident. Then remember that when things get trying in your life.

If you can't or have a hard time with it then find people who are and hang with them and drop all the losers friends you all wrote about. They will only drag you down.

Now family is another problem all together. Remember you can pick your nose and butt and even your friends and job but not your family.

If they are negative with ya limit your time to near zero if possible and move on.

In closing some people are thick as brick and as dumb as one too. Do you really want to be the smartest person in the room???? Drop them too....

[Sarah Simmons]

Honestly, I would try to help her understand by giving her different ideas of books to read and explaining your illness to her. Give her a little bit of time, and if she still acts like that, personally, I'm sorry to say, but I would get her out of your life. You need supportive people surrounding you, especially when you have illnesses like this. That is why I don't trust people enough to really have any friends. I'm sorry if you are offended by my answer!