ADD women and sex

[Unintentional stoner]

Help! I have recently begun to suspect I have ADHD and actually went to see a clinical psychologist to help me manage some health issues I've been having in combination with being disorganized and a host of issues!! Don't ask...

Suffice it to say, I am not depressed but have some sexual issues. I find I am unable to keep my mind on sex with my partner. I am so easily distracted. And I find myself over analyzing it - even meanwhile. And sometimes he feels as if I am "not there". Gah!

[Unintentional stoner]

BTW, I am not a drug user but spend much of my time looking zoned out and stoned anyway!! Would Ritalin help with the sex thing or make it worse? The professional I went to was not particularly a fan of trying to resolve this with drugs but she did mention that drugs help some people. I'm not much of a fan of pharmaceuticals but given the consequences of this condition personally and professionally I am starting to wonder.

[Rebecca]

Try having sex at the peak of an adderall dose, or just try to masturbate and see how that goes for you first. I noticed that when I'm on adderall I can at least focus enough to acheive an orgasm. But when I was on an antidepressant it was almost impossible for me to orgasm, you mentioned depression. The key thing is to be relaxed and set the mood, you need an environment that's arousing to you. But honestly I feel I could never focus on sex enough to have an orgasm but I ended up finally becoming more aware of my body and what turns me on and then orgasms get a lot easier.

But I get very easily distracted when I'm having sex as well, I guess I haven't found a completely successful solution yet but am still searching.

[papa]

This is a problem that your lover can solve for you. the drugs arent going to fix it . it is important for you to be aware of your body , but it is more important that youre partner be an extremely good lover who knows how to bring your mind and soul into the physical act. it is difficult to keep an ADDers mind on task so he must make extra effort to keep those elements together. Loving and satisfying an ADD woman takes someone who really knows and cares how to please a woman, and i can say that his extra effort will pay him back in dividends.

[Dana Arcuri]

I agree with Rebecca, to set the mood with the environment and to be relaxed is very important. I think that it is crucial to understand your body and your hormonal cycle. You need to be in tune to your cycle because it is during ovulation when you will "naturally" desire to have sex more than other times. Every female is different on when they ovulate. However, if you count the first day of your last period, that would be considered Day 1. Therefore, when you draw close to day 10 to day 15, be on the red alert that usually this is when you may be ovulating.

Some women keep track of their monthly cycle, especially if they are trying to prevent pregnancy or if they are actively attempting to conceive. Know doubt, if you do not want to get pregnant, use all caution to practice safe sex with whatever method of birth control that you choose.

As an ADDer myself, I can relate to feeling distracted during sex. This may not be a popular choice and may even be frowned upon, but one of the ways that I have attempted to relax is by drinking a glass of wine. For me, it did work wonders and I did feel relaxed enough to stay focused and enjoy the intimacy.

Another option is natural herbs, supplements and comforting tea. Also, lavender is used for aromatherapy and it does help relax. Sometimes taking a soothing hot bath with some lavender, prior to sex will help you relax. The environment should be something that helps you feel relaxed. Do you like music on or off? Candles? Lights on or off? Fan, air conditioning? What about you take turns giving each other a massage? If the television distracts you, make sure you turn it off. Privacy is another issue. Attempt to maintain as private an atmosphere as you can manage to promote quiet time just for the two of you.

Try not to be so wrapped up in forcing yourself to relax that you literally stress yourself out. Consider learning breathing techniques for relaxation. Slow, gradual breathing techniques may help you to focus on your breathing, to allow your muscles to relax, to enjoy the moment, stay in the now and to just let go.

[Lisa Forman]

Ok,

I am going to open up a can of worms. What is sex/pleasure? I'm trying to be funny cause this is the biggest issue that brings me down. I chose pain/suffering over pleasure after years of depression and invalidation.

Now amazingly and with much gratitude, I want to change my life, live and follow my passion. I'm 8 in a 45 year old body. What can I do?

No clue,

Lisa

[Anne Bidez Schumann]

" in a 45 year old body".........can relate to that. I've always laughed, saying I have a bad case of arrested development, and I believe I do. Actually, sex is the only way I know to escape and I wonder if I even escape from the man I'm with, not intentionally but I think I may be using him for my escape from my chaotic life. When I was married we could not have music playing because he was drawn to the music, and I often felt like he "wasn't there."

[Tam Phillips]

omg is this an adhd thing too! i have never been able to focus/or not focus on the task at hand! i remember in a sex education class the teacher said to all the boys if you get an erection to think of baseball - and i always think of baseball, or cars or what i am going to cook for tea or how long is this going to take???? I can easily do it myself, but not with someone else! I even got pierced down there cause i thought it must be needing some extra stimulation. but nah i still cant. in past relationships i actually panic because i think oh crap he cant do it, i hope im not stuck with this guy! which is really a bad way of thinking - i think the key is to not think, but then i think oh no they think im not appreciating they are trying and i need to make a noise now, at this moment, at that moment, and then i feel bad cause im being fake! its a no win situation haha

[Unintentional stoner]

Tam, you sound as if you've been down an even worse road than me! As to the wondering about how and when you should react, believe me, I've been there. Talk about over-intellectualizing something that should be spontaneous and natural. I've never faked it though, although I've been tempted at times. I guess I just figure that would make matters worse. Good luck with finding a solution. Thanks for all the advice everyone! I have a wonderful partner but will have to work on the issues with him. i think Dana is right about some times of the month being better.

[Melissa Raines]

For the most part my sex life is pretty good , how ever there are times where I wish my sex life was more romantic . I'm a very sexual & sentual ADDer , my partner on the other hand is a zero to 60 ADHDer , so being romantic is diffult for my partner simply because of inability to slow down & take his time and learn how to please me and stop putting his pleasure first before mine . Other than that when we do make love it's as good as it was when we made love for the first time.

[NerdyMommy]

For me, it's a combination of a bunch of things - a good, attentive partner, elimination of distractions, and a cup of coffee before bed. Sounds funny, I know - but if I don't have my coffee - forget it! I'm all over the place in my head, and no where near where I need to be! I've learned that I like the tv on, for the light - because with the lights out, that's one less stimuli for me (visual), but the volume has to be all the way down, or I'm going to be paying more attention to George Lopez! (Trust me, laughing while in the middle of things does NOT go over well with most men!) A good partner is key... someone who holds your interest, definitely! But girls, if you're losing focus, you need to take things into your own hands! Seriously, it's much harder to be distracted when you're more engaged. Sometimes you need to change positions so that you're more involved, or whatever it takes to bring your focus back.

I've been there - trust me. Before my diagnosis, before understanding the things that I can do to help myself, I could think of a million things while having sex - and not one of them even remotely related to what was going on at the time! I would avoid it, if I could - because frankly, it just wasn't something high on my list, because being so distracted kept me from really enjoying myself.

Now... well, now I can tell you, without bragging (ok, maybe a little), that I have sex just about every night, unless one of us is "pass out" tired... and I enjoy it every single time! I look forward to it all day.... something I honestly never thought that I would be able to say!

Find what works for you... do what you need to do to keep yourself in the game... and seriously... caffeine before bedtime will work wonders!

[Scott]

It wasn't until I got on dexedrine that I had any inkling of why stimulants and sex were like that "you got your chocolate in my peanut butter" thing. But since I have no current sex partner, it's completely wasted oh the irony, haha. I have never gotten a clear picture on the effect of stimulant meds of womens sexuality. I feel genuinely bad for women that can't get off easily. I really do. Because it's not fair really. Some women are multiple-orgasmic freaks, while others can barely get themselves off. My first longtime gf didn't even need anything but intercourse- I actually am trying to keep this post semi-not-vulgar, as in nothing but 'V stimulation and she was good for 5-6 'moments' (aren't I being coy now?) more or less every time.

There is a REAL inequity in the way one woman and the next experience sex. Not to mention how much further this is compounded by mood and state of mind, comfort level, self esteem..... it ain't fair, really. I kind of think that society couldn't handle the truth of it. Given the competitiveness between women- one woman has some screaming, honking, "I forget what my name is" experience sexually, and another has to practically put herself into some zen state of meditation to actually experience and orgasm. It's all kinda messed up. Having a gratifying sex life is one of the more powerful mood elevators out there.

Anyone ever read the statistics about women and orgasms? It's not uncommon for a woman to feel lucky or accomplished if she even manages to have an orgasm while actually having sex with her partner. Of course some of this is definitely on the guys- but experience (and things anecdotal) have really hipped me to the fact that one woman's ability to experience sex pleasure varies WILDLY from the next's sometimes.

[Dana Arcuri]

Scott, I liked your saying, "Having a gratifying sex life is one of the more powerful mood elevators out there."

Every single female could be so different in how they respond sexually, but I truly believe that having a selfless partner who has experience and skills is the key to having gratifying and pleasurable sex.

The one thing to keep in mind is that a man is much like a microwave and heats up QUICKLY! However, females are much like a crock pot and they need much stimulation and much time to simmer BEFORE they begin to heat up!!! If a guy wants to get things heated up for some spicy sex, he best prepare to remember that he has to slow cook with the crock pot!