ADD women and sex

[Unintentional stoner]

Help! I have recently begun to suspect I have ADHD and actually went to see a clinical psychologist to help me manage some health issues I've been having in combination with being disorganized and a host of issues!! Don't ask...

Suffice it to say, I am not depressed but have some sexual issues. I find I am unable to keep my mind on sex with my partner. I am so easily distracted. And I find myself over analyzing it - even meanwhile. And sometimes he feels as if I am "not there". Gah!

[Eileen]

I think I have the opposite problem and I don't know if it's just something inherent about ME or something to do with stimulants. All I ever think about is sex and my partner is starting to think something is wrong with me! He has been having erectile issues and my enormous drive is doing NOTHING to help him. I never pressure him, but I think just the mere fact that I'm constantly raring to go makes him feel pressured. We've discussed the fact that my meds might affect me that way, that his meds might be affecting him adversely, etc.
Still, I wonder if any other women have encountered this.

[DANA]

Eileen, I am not sure if it is to do with stimulants or not? However, most females become more sexually driven by the time they reach their 30's. I can not speak for every single female, but as for myself, sex became much more satisfying when I was in my 30's compared to when I was younger. Perhaps, by time we hit our 30's, we are more in tune with our sexual desires and we are more assertive with our partner?

Now that I am in my 40's, I personally believe that sex has continued to improve through age! Perhaps, it is like fine wine and it just keeps getting better!!!

As far as your partner thinking that something is wrong with you, I highly doubt that something is wrong with you. Keep in mind, that once guys reach the age 40 and older, there is the possibility of men experiencing complications in sexual desire, function and ability. Usually, older men do not have the same stamina that younger men have, but it truly varies from individual to individual.

If your boyfriend is experiencing challenges with sex, he could make an appointment to discuss his concerns with his family doctor, a urologist or an endocrinologist to have his testosterone checked for a deficiency. Try to encourage your partner to seek advice because it is better to make sure that there is no medical condition.

[Eileen]

Thanks, Dana. As always, your response is right on target and awesomely helpful :)

I agree that my enjoyment of sex has increased with age. Part of that I'm sure has to do with hormones but I think part of it is a growth and development thing. When you're a younger woman, at least the way it was when I was younger, being a highly sexual woman was looked down upon. The difference in being older is that even if people DID look down on me for my sexuality, I just don't care because I'm old enough to be comfortable with who I am regardless of others' opinions of me. I think it's harder to deal with that when you're younger.

My partner is in his 40s like me. He has had other medical issues and was prescribed the "little blue pill" but he is so embarrassed to admit to it or even to take it when he needs it. There are SO MANY issues with this man and I think this just makes things even more strained and difficult for us. I never expected to intimidate a man with my sexuality, and in fact I've been nothing but encouraging and supportive. I've never once blurted out, "Oh that happens to every guy once in awhile" because I don't want to draw attention to it or make him feel self-conscious. If we're making love and things don't progress for him, I just work around it very subtly and sensually, making sure he feels good no matter how that happens for him. I think he has a paranoia that I would rather be with someone younger who could uh...hold up...but that is just not the case. He is able to many other things that a younger man might not have the patience or the skills to do.

I think part of my intense sex drive comes from the flood of happy brain chemicals I get from it; so few things deliver for me like amazing sex. After I divorced, I went on sort of a 'sex bonanza' as if I were making up for 15 years of lost sex with other men. It was not the best choice, perhaps but it was where I was at the time and I think it actually helped me get through a very difficult time in my life. I have substance abuse issues, but have been sober for four years. However what's been missing in my life is that "thing" that does for me what alcohol and drugs did for me; sex took on that role temporarily. It's still intense but I find there are a lot of other reasons for it besides just physical ones; complex emotional needs are being met which I wasn't addressing before and from which I was attempting to run.

I've decided, however, that I'm not letting someone make me feel like a freak. I am who I am and if my partner is not comfortable with this and insists on belittling me for it, then clearly I am not with the right person.

[DANA]

CONGRATULATIONS, Eileen, on being substance FREE for 4 years! That is quite an accomplishment to be proud of! My husband has been free from several addictions for 16 years and I am so grateful! Trust me, it is life changing!

From what you wrote in your most current comment, it sounds like you are doing EXACTLY what most men would find INCREDIBLY helpful, sensitive, encouraging and quite a "turn on!"
If your boyfriend is attempting to twist the situation to make you feel inferior or like a freak, then he truly is one insecure dude who needs to take a hike! (Sorry for the blunt comment, but it ticks me off that this guy is giving you a difficult time when he should truly be thanking his lucky stars for a great catch!)

Eileen, you had me laughing at your comments saying, "so few things deliver for me like amazing sex." and also, "After I divorced, I went on sort of a 'sex bonanza' as if I were making up for 15 years of lost sex with other men." Honestly, I do understand since I have been with my husband for close to 21 years. Too many times, married couples get stuck in a mundane routine of having sex the exact same way and they forget to add some spice to it or change it up for something new!

Seriously, Eileen, if your boyfriend is truly struggling with your sexuality and verbally expressing negative comments to you about your sexuality, I think that this will eventually cause you resentment, frustration, anger and a definite division between the two of you.

To simply be honest, it is UNHEALTHY in a relationship to belittle another individual, especially over something so personal and intimate as their sexuality. Trust your inner instincts and intuition on what you should do about this uncomfortable situation. Be open and honest with communicating how you feel, tactfully, and see how your boyfriend responds. His response, whether positive or negative, should clearly speak VOLUMES to you.

The last thing that I want to point out is that every relationship will have its ups and downs, but we have to weigh our priorities on what matters most to us. Spend time, without rushing, to determine what your priorities are in this present relationship. By clearly defining our wants and needs in a relationship we will have more opportunities to have our wants and needs met successfully. Best wishes!

[Miss K]

I get the sense that ADHD can affect sexuality in many different ways, depending on the individual...

I think it can actually be a little dangerous or harmful to just assume that a sexual issue has to do with ADHD. I know there are some who have probably done some great soul and brain searching and figured out that this is indeed their issue with sex and either not wanting to have it, or wanting to have it all the time...I just want to point out that there could be a lot of other reasons too.

On top of the fact that ADHD can distract you, certain health issues could make sex less interesting, personal history including abuse could make sex difficult for a person, could make them feel "detached" during sex (which could seem like distraction) or could make them likely to seek sex in very aggressive ways or just be REALLY into sex in a slightly unhealthy/obsessive way. Medications can impact sexuality...I just want people to think about these things so they don't dismiss what might be a different problem because they're thinking "oh, it's just my ADHD". Better to be thoughtful and careful and make sure everything else in your life is healthy and as it should be before just taking what might seem like an easy answer. So many of us have co-morbid issues too, mental-health-wise...like depression or anxiety...those can really impact your sex life, big time.

Me, I'm pretty sure I used sex when I was younger as part of my stimulation-seeking behavior. I sought out bad relationships, and those relationships were exciting to me, and it made me want to have sex with these people that were bad for me because even when the relationships were bad, it was EXCITING!!! Constant drama! I wasn't distracted from sex at all, in fact I was very into it, and having a great time...or so I thought, until I started to unravel the fact that my life was entirely based in chaos. Chaos that I had created because I didn't know how not to. Realizing that I was doing this was the beginning of the journey that lead to my adult ADHD diagnosis :P

Now, I do struggle with even wanting to have sex, because I am re-learning how to be "intrigued" or "turned on" without the chaos. Talk about a challenge! So...yes, my sex life is impacted by the ADHD but not in the obvious way people would think...distraction is hardly the issue...it's recovery from years of not knowing how to function without creating chaos...I don't worry about it too much because I know I'm basically physically healthy, and am working on "my stuff". I'll come out on the other side eventually, when I'm ready :)

Just make sure to take a lot of care with really figuring out what YOUR issue might be, so that you don't accidentally overlook something else you might need to deal with...

[DANA]

Miss K, you brought up an excellent point in which each individual needs to consider ALL personal history, medical history and family history to rule in or rule out many possibilities, other than ADD/ADHD for being the root of your sexuality.

There are a wide variety of medications that may pose a serious challenge to sexual function and sexual performance. For example, many antidepressants will decrease your sex drive and may prohibit the ability to experience natural orgasms. Depending on each individual, your side effects of medication could vary because each individual reacts totally different to medications.

Hormones play a HUGE role with females, especially from the time they begin peri-menopause to eventually reach menopause. It is beneficial for adult females to schedule annual examinations with their gynecologist to have the opportunity to address hormonal and reproductive concerns.

In addition, PMS has been known to have negative symptoms that could easily promote sexual challenges specific times of the month. In reality, during PMS, some females experience irritablity and they lose all interest in sex, while others may only experience abdominal bloating, chocolate cravings and fatigue.

There are a number of reasons why males and females experience sexual difficulties. Miss K brought up a good point about mentioning a personal history of sexual abuse. For some unfortunate individuals, their sexual dysfunction may be the product of traumatic events in their childhood.

These may include enduring a rape, sexual abuse, or any other type of abuse. Engaging in sexual relations in adult life may arouse memories of these experiences. This often imposes on the ability to enjoy or even desire sex.

Today, women endure a lot of stress on a daily basis. If a woman has a lot on her plate, she may experience sexual dysfunction. Dealing with children, pursuing success in the area of careers, maintaining the household and having major responsibilities can be an extreme burden, especially for single moms trying to work full-time and raise children on her own.

Many women are so exhausted and overwhelmed that they simply cannot find it within themselves to enjoy any sexual experience. Eventually, this can develop into female sexual dysfunction.

According to The National Institutes of Health concede that many sexual problems women suffer from, such as the lack of desire or inability to orgasm, can be caused by past sexual abuse, depression, stress, hormones, nerve disorders or medications.

As for men, that is a whole other topic in itself! Here is some information that I discovered on Medicine.net:

* Physical causes -- Many physical and/or medical conditions can cause problems with sexual function. These conditions include diabetes, heart and vascular (blood vessel) disease, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalances, chronic diseases such as kidney or liver failure, and alcoholism and drug abuse. In addition, the side effects of certain medications, including some antidepressant drugs, can affect sexual desire and function.
* Psychological causes -- These include work-related stress and anxiety, concern about sexual performance, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt, and the effects of a past sexual trauma.

The only way to be 100% correct that ADD/ADHD is impacting your sex life is to rule in and rule out all other possibilities. It would be safe to suggest that each individual should take a good look at everything that you are consuming, consider your family history, possible sexual or child abuse, all medications, including OTC, and discuss all of your concerns with your physician.

[Miss K]

Dang, check you out Dana! Awesome info...

Stress is also a huge factor for me.

Ugh.

[Eileen]

Go Dana and Miss K!

Total agreement. Taking your ADHD into account when considering your sexuality is only after many other things have been considered. Of course when you're newly diagnosed, you think your entire life has suddenly become clear and that every struggle can be attributed to ADHD. While that may explain a lot, it certainly doesn't explain everything.

[Jacquelyn Hedden]

Great information! Thank you!

[Ben]

I'm not a woman, but I can totally relate. Sex is way difficult.

Probably the most interesting solution I've seen is what my best friend used to do with her boyfriend. She has a photographic memory, so she would look at her calculus problems before having sex, solve them in her head during sex, and then write down the answers after sex and get an A.

Often I'll space out during a task and wait, impatiently, for it to be completed. Unfortunately, with sex, rapid completion (with completion defined as orgasm, since that's the only thing that will signal that it's over) isn't generally considered a good thing for sex, despite the fact that I'm often looking to get it over with so I can move on to a different activity. I don't know if you can relate to that, but I know other ADHD people who have that complaint.

Also, in addition to distractability, you have to remember that ADHD also causes hypersensitivity. That explains why what's normally pleasurable for other people might just feel annoying to us. That makes sense because I tend to be better at making my partner enjoy sex than I am at enjoying sex myself.