ADHD is costing me my marriage, home and life

[Tony Scott]

My wife told me in October that she no longer loves me, this sent me into a deeply depressed state and I could barely function at home or at work.  Back track 24 years, my father had many issues which I imagine was ADHD but it wasn't until the late 80's early 90's that ADD was a recognized issue.  In 1986 he took his own life because of the depression issues he was facing.  12 years ago I stopped taking my ADD medication because I thought I knew better and didn't need it.  Things have been up and down with life and work, my wife and I had two children within 15 months and when our youngest was about 6 months old I lost my job and things went downhill from there.  In the past five years I have had 6 jobs (I have been at my current job for just of 2 1/2) years and during this period I have just gotten worse and worse with impulse buying that I would hide from my wife, she would find it and start an argument.  She would question me until I couldn't handle it anymore and I would blow up usually by calling her a nasty name.  I didn't mean the words I said but you can't take back words, especially when it happens over and over again.  I have been seeing a therapist for the past 5 weeks, have been on Zoloft for 4 weeks and ritalin for 3 weeks.  It seems to be helping but I do need to talk to my doctor because I still have some issues toward the end of the work day.  All these years things have happened and I have asked for chances from my wife (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind) and now that I know what the issue is and I am truly addressing it she won't give me another chance.  She says her mind is made up and she doesn't love me or look at me the same any more.  She says she loved me at one point but not any more, I really believe that if you love someone you always will and our wrong doings and hurt cloud our judgement and get in the way.  I love my wife more than anything and would do whatever it took to make it up to her even if it takes me forever.  I don't know what to do, her plan for ending things will ruin us both financially and this concerns me greatly but I don't want our marriage to end.  HELP!!!

[Dr. Catherine Avery]

Tony,

Would your wife be willing to give marital therapy a chance?  It sounds like you are sincere in your desire to change.  Can you tell her that you are willing to work with a professional to address the problems and that you will do whatever the therapist recommends to improve your relationship?  Let her know that if she still feels estranged from you after working with a professional, then at least she will know that both of you gave it your best try. 

 

It sounds like a lot of your behavior reflected AD/HD symptoms (impulsivity, anger management problems, etc.), but there was also a disrespect on your part which allowed you to treat your wife so poorly.  Let her know that this was unacceptable on your part and that she deserves much better treatment than you gave her.  Ask her for the opportunity to become a better husband and to treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

 

Let us know what happens.  You are in a community that understands and cares.

 

Cathy

[Tony Scott]

I have asked her to seek marital therapy but she says that she doesn't know that it will change anything.  She says her mind is made up and nothing I say can change that.  I have admitted that what I did was wrong, my biggest problem is communicating, I know what I want to say I just don't know how to get it out without it coming across wrong.  I am now at the point where I don't want to say anything about our relationship because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, it never dawned on my that it was ADHD that was causing the issues until I started to see my therapist and we talked about the issues I was having.  I am so scared of losing her, she is all I have.  I don't have friends because I have always been with her and my kids so I don't have anyone that I can "hang out" with.  I love her more than anything and she knows this but she says when she looks at me she sees nothing and it hurts so bad.  I will ask again and hopefully have a good response to post.   Thank you for your help.

[donna ferguson]

I agree with Dr Avery,

 Honest, humble expressions of accepting responsibility for your words and actions is where to start. If you have a hard time communicating, write her a letter. Be honest, respect both of you and your children. Each day ask for the strength to face the challenges of that day with all that you know to be right.  Set your goals for the day, write them down and then do them. Be kind and as patient as you can. Let your wife express herself without feeling attacked. You have this community for support, let it out here not at home. Remember love is not an emotion, but an action. All you can do is 1 day at a time. Let her have a chance to regain her trust. My married son is 36 so this is coming from a peer with ADD and a mom that believes in principaled living. Really not much is in our control except our

 way of handling the things in our lives.  Let this family here know how you and your family are doing

all the best

donna

[Dr. Catherine Avery]

Wow.  That was really nicely put, Donna. 

 

Cathy

[Tony Scott]

Thank you very much for your support and advice, I have a real hard time with things that don't make sense to me.  I see things in a logical way and if it doesn't fit I have a real hard time accepting it.  I have been writing things (or typing) so I keep my thoughts intact when I think them so they don't get mixed up with the other thoughts that come along but nothing is working to get through to her that I am different this time around.  I have made many changes in my life since this has happened, mostly taking responsibility for the things I need to around the house that she would constantly remind me that I wasn't doing.  I can remember the last thing she "reminded" me to do, pay the phone bill, that was almost a month ago now.  I am going to talk to my therapist on Monday about focusing on ADHD going forward so I can try to make the best of the issues I am having and addressing the anger issues that are stemming from it.  Thank you both again, I really appreciate any other advice you can offer.

[Steven D Thibodeau]

WoW also for me. Well put (that's from a males perspective with adult ADD)

[Tony Scott]

Well I can't stop her and nothing I do or say will change her mind.  She is stubborn and even though everyone else sees the changes she refuses to accept that I can and am changing to be a better person and address the issues I have.  She says everything I have been talking about are just excuses and it doesn't matter.  I don't want my marriage to end but don't see any way it will change.  I would love for her to go with me to a therapist to just work through the issues because she is still very angry and everything and anything I say is met with hostility.  She says we don't talk but every time I talk to her she snaps at me or has an attitude or smart remark.  I just wish she would step back and see what I am doing.

[Dr. Catherine Avery]

I'm sorry Tony.  Keep your cool during this stressful time.  Exercise, take long walks, keep in touch with your friends on ADDerWorld.

 

Cathy

[Christopher M. Kilmer]

Your post have brought up a lot of emotions in me...  I am currently going through the same thing with my wife...  it's been three weeks and she says the same things... that there has been too much hurt... that she can't trust me with her heart...  that my ADHD is just as excuse and that it will never change...  she's heard it all before.  I'm having a hard time accepting it myself, as too me it feels like I've awoken from a coma with the same feelings for my wife as I had when we first met... but somewhere along the way I lost my wife.  She went to see a friend one night and ended up cheating on me... then broke it too me that she's had enough and just can't do it anymore.  I still find myself trying to be there for her regardless of the affair...  I just love her so much... and somehow I feel that by being there for her that eventually she'll see the changes in me are genuine, and perhaps she'd open her heart to me again one day.  But right now, it's so hard to deal with.. especially when we still live together and she tells me where she's going everytime she leaves the house...  to him... the other man.

[Tony Scott]

I wish I had something good to tell you, fortunately for me she did not cheat on me because things would have been much different in our situation, I will always love her and care for her as the mother of my children but I have come to the realization that what she is looking for in a man and the way she expresses her love doesn't match what I am looking for in a woman and how I want to be loved.  We have filed and don't see any chance of it being fixed.  Unfortunately my advice is think with your head and not with your heart at this point.  If she has done it this time what is going to keep her from doing it again in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years....  Learn from this relationship and keep yourself in order.  Continue to deal with your ADHD and don't stop just because she isn't around, keep your head up and talk to an attorney because believe me I don't want a divorce just as much as the next person but it is best to be in front of bus rather than underneath it....   Protect yourself and your assets to ensure you can support yourself after your relationship has ended.  Sorry I don't have a rainbows and butterflies answer for you, just trying to be as honest as I can.

[Sarah Christine Gogstetter]

Sounds like to me Tony, you might not be the one with the biggest issues in this marriage. At least you are trying to fix your end of the deal, what about her? Hounding a person until a person blows isn't a very nice thing to do either. That is just as abusive as a nasty name if not more. Keep up the good work and make sure you start making friends where you can. You of course always have all of us here.

 

Sarah

[Tony Scott]

Sarah,

I have let this go on for 7 years, the more responsibility I had the worse it got. I also have been abusive. I have accepted responsibility for my actions and have sincerly apologized for them. She knows I love her but she doesn't love me anymore. She is tired of the excuses and sees this as another excuse instead of the explainations, I have always asked for another chance and would do ok for a while but then I would fall back to my old habits (sounds familiar right??). My biggest hope is she will learn more about this because I believe our 6 and 7 yr olds both have this issue.