ADHD is costing me my marriage, home and life

[Tony Scott]

My wife told me in October that she no longer loves me, this sent me into a deeply depressed state and I could barely function at home or at work.  Back track 24 years, my father had many issues which I imagine was ADHD but it wasn't until the late 80's early 90's that ADD was a recognized issue.  In 1986 he took his own life because of the depression issues he was facing.  12 years ago I stopped taking my ADD medication because I thought I knew better and didn't need it.  Things have been up and down with life and work, my wife and I had two children within 15 months and when our youngest was about 6 months old I lost my job and things went downhill from there.  In the past five years I have had 6 jobs (I have been at my current job for just of 2 1/2) years and during this period I have just gotten worse and worse with impulse buying that I would hide from my wife, she would find it and start an argument.  She would question me until I couldn't handle it anymore and I would blow up usually by calling her a nasty name.  I didn't mean the words I said but you can't take back words, especially when it happens over and over again.  I have been seeing a therapist for the past 5 weeks, have been on Zoloft for 4 weeks and ritalin for 3 weeks.  It seems to be helping but I do need to talk to my doctor because I still have some issues toward the end of the work day.  All these years things have happened and I have asked for chances from my wife (the boy who cried wolf comes to mind) and now that I know what the issue is and I am truly addressing it she won't give me another chance.  She says her mind is made up and she doesn't love me or look at me the same any more.  She says she loved me at one point but not any more, I really believe that if you love someone you always will and our wrong doings and hurt cloud our judgement and get in the way.  I love my wife more than anything and would do whatever it took to make it up to her even if it takes me forever.  I don't know what to do, her plan for ending things will ruin us both financially and this concerns me greatly but I don't want our marriage to end.  HELP!!!

[Tony Scott]

Or maybe there just kids

[Tony Scott]

I did not post this reply, but they could just be kids, I don'tg know. They are very well behaved in public for the most part, they just don't do well in stores and at home.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Hi Tony,

I think you have gotten some really good advice here from our members. The thing is though, not everything, especially other people, are within our control. Sometimes you have to let go in order to get something back or at least to know if it was worth it. What's even more important than that is the positive things you have learned in order to improve yourself. Keep on doing them, one day after another and don't turn back wondering what could have been, unless it is to learn via therapy. The thing is, working to improve is something you do daily, which will eventually show to others and perhaps even your wife, or to someone else who can start with you fresh. I know that's not something you want to hear right now, but I also know how much it hurts when you want someone back and they have decided once and for all, that's it. You've been given an opportunity to improve for you and your kids, that's what is important. Perhaps by focusing on improving the quality of life for your children will help you in this process and this above anything else will show your actions to be true, which words and promises just can’t. This is something that takes time and our ADHD impulsivity can get in the way. Instead of thinking in terms of hours, switch to days, instead of days, switch to months. It takes time, but time well worth it.

Bests,

Bryan

 

[Tony Scott]

Thanks Bryan, I am starting to make the transition to moving on and getting things in order so I can prepare for what is to come.  I know it won't be easy, I have a ton of support from family, friends and co-workers and will figure it out somehow.  I don't know right now how but I will make it work.  I think she believes in ADD she just doesn't believe all my issues stem from ADD because she hasn't taken the time (and won't at this point) to understand and learn about it.  Hopefully in time she will see and learn more about it, but for now it is time for me to move on as much as I don't want to thats what is happening.  Thank you everyone again for the advice and support.

 

Tony

[Ronald R. Weckerly]

Hi Tony:

I have been where you are in many respects. All the post that have been made add to your "book" on what to do concerning your situation. Take what you can use from each individual that posted and apply it to your life if you think it works. It appears you  have been doing this. To me, as an educator, I told tell my students to take a little from those who possesa knoweldge and wisdom and apply it to their lives. Let's face it Tony, divorce is hell...I do not know who invented this creature...I know you must be feeling lonely at times...I have gone through two divorces...I felt lonely even when crowds of people were around...."I felt like I was holding on to my life by one string." Things will come out for the better. Also Tony, take your meds, exercise, and eat well. You are a gift to the world...NEVER forget this. Tony, continue to take your meds  I use to quit and start etc...It only hurt me. Just because you are on meds does not mean you are deffective...if they work continue to use them. Hang in there and know that you will come out ok. We all fail and fall short...peace, my brother...weck

[summscott]

I have a video I would LOVE TO SEND TO YOU.. It is on ADHD and Relationships. If you email me I would Gladly mail it to you. You can have it. I got it a while back when me and my husband were having marriage problems. and it has been a BIG HELP TO THE both of us. We BOTH have adhd. it has explained so much and has helped us both get over communication issues that we both had. Now I am not saying that it is a MAGICAL bandaid. and will mend the old wounds. But this could be the open door to communications. Let me know ...

Good Luck... hear is some other things that I found that is helpful.

Summer Keep in mind that this came off the CHADD website and I am not trying to get members, This is something that I use to do, I thought supporting this cause was a good thing, But the information that is on this site is Just GREAT!!!!

Good relationships take a lot of work, whether they are with a spouse, a significant other, a child, or a friend. When one of the people involved has ADHD, there can be additional challenges. Impulsiveness and forgetfulness can be major hindrances to building trusting relationships. And if you are like most people with ADHD, you have received many negative messages about your behavior, and your sense of self-worth may have been adversely affected.

If you are the non-ADHD partner in a relationship, it is challenging to define your expectations and roles in a manner that is supportive but not disabling for your partner who has ADHD. Many people have been down this path and learned valuable lessons on coping with ADHD within a relationship. The articles and information below should help you find answers.

Articles with a key are available to CHADD members. If you are not a member, join CHADD today.

Social Skills

Interacting with Others: Tips for Adults with ADHD - To get along well with others, people must be able to pay attention, to be responsible, and to control their impulses.

Social Skills in Adults with ADHD - Individuals with ADHD often struggle in social situations.

ADHD in Adult Relationships - Author Gina Pera answers questions on the impact of ADHD in a relationship. 

Out with the Old, In With the... Wait, Do You Really Need New Clutter? - Read Gina Pera's blog dealing with organizational challenges and spouses' perceptions of the problems.

Communication

Stay Connected with Your ADHD Partner - When a spouse is constantly distracted or can't slow down enough to pay attention to his or her partner's needs, it often leads to a relationship meltdown.

The "Gifts of ADHD": Transforming Humiliation into Humility - A big obstacle faced by couples dealing with ADHD is denial.

Is It "Miscommunications" - or ADHD? - Central auditory processing disorder (CAPD) can accompany ADHD and result in problems with processing oral communications. 

Marriage and Long Term Relationships

Marriage and Partnerships - Conflict and discord are common in marriages and partnerships involving an individual with undiagnosed ADHD.

When a "Good News" Diagnosis Means "Bad News" for the Relationship - Diagnosis and treatment of ADHD in one partner, can create brand new dynamics in a relationship.  It can take hard work to sort out the changes.

Dealing with the Impact of ADHD on Marriage - While any marriage has its challenging moments, when one or both spouses have ADHD, those times only seem to multiply.

How to Succeed in Marriage with ADHD - How can a couple improve their marriage when ADHD is a factor?

Snapshots of an ADHD Marriage - Diagnosis and treatment of ADHD can make all the difference in the quality of your marriage.

Partners in Life, Partners in ADHD Awareness - Ensuring a spouse is diagnosed and receives effective treatment is a shared responsibility. 

Intimacy

ADHD and Sex: No Shame, No Blame - The symptoms of ADHD can intrude into all areas of your life, including romance and sex. 

To Sleep, Perchance to Turn Off That *&$@# Computer - Do you fight going to sleep at night?  Many people with ADHD do.

Close Relationships, Intimacy and ADHD - ADHD can interfere with developing a close relationship with your significant other.

[Lynn Winborn]

If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend that you read Bryan's book,  Adult ADHD can be Sexy. He shares some great advice about relationships with ADHD, how we function in relationships, how we communicate, how ADHD really can cause problems, but that it isn't always just our fault when a relationship fails.  It has really helped me understand myself better, and hopefully, I can take some of the lessons into my next relationship (whenever that may be).

[harry phillips]

I just joined and am reading some old posts. I wonder if Tony would let us know how he is doing?
Through errors in judgement about my own self and that of friends, I have misjudged more relationships and friendships over the years than I would like to acknowledge. I lost a lot of friends who just had their fill of me.

Luckily, I have been with someone 17 years, married 16
and have 3 kids. I don't doubt that my spouse loves me, because living with someone with ADHD takes
a lot of love and patience. Every single day. I do try to evolve and change though. It's off-putting to me to
think I can't change and make progress (yes, it is hard to change well-established bad habits at 53 and even harder with ADHD, no doubt about it!). However, it is not impossible. One HUGE breakthrough for me was to finally realize the most basic of concepts: it is my ACTIONS that count and can change a situation, not my
wishes, plans or good intentions. Actions are the real deal. Since I have realized this, my spouse seems so much happier. I think it was really difficult to live with me when I always repeated the same errors and followed through on so few of my plans/good intentions.

I am writing to Tony because it is not too late to learn an invaluable life lesson from all of this. Try and be honest with yourself, make some positive changes in your life, attitude and behavior. That way, you will not only be happier, but when you meet another woman, you will have a real shot at making the relationship work. We can learn so much from our past mistakes if we can only open our eyes to our self-sabotaging ways.
I was 37 when I met my spouse, so you can imagine how many previous failed relationships I had been through. In many instances, I just kept doing the same things each time, somehow expecting a different outcome.