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I am living with a man who should be the poster child for all that is wrong with ADHD.

He expects life to be perfect and when anything goes in any way different from the way he "perceives" it, I get the name calling and the degradation. I am told I'm hated at least once a week.  I don't know if it's his ADHD or just his general disgust with society and people that leads him to be so angry and hateful.  He will slam anyone, especially figures of authority without blinking an eye, so I know it isn't just me.  But I try to be supportive, reading books and articles on ADHD and I still feel that I will never measure up.  He makes me think it's me, not him.  I have now bought into this belief and I don't think I can continue in this relationship, but he's got me trapped financially and he's totally befriended my children so much I think they"d hate me if I left him.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm at my wits end and see no way out

 

I would like to hear from someone who has had a similar experience so I can somehow deal with this in a sane, responsible way.

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What you mention sounds like borderline personality disorder rather than ADHD. In some respects it does not matter what label you attach, he is blaming others for what he doesn't like or what is wrong. It's simple abuse. There is no way to deal with it other than to leave the situation. You might try walking out of the room every time he starts in. 

Books on BPD may give you some ideas on who to deal with him (even if he doesn't have it). Stop Walking on Eggshells is one title.

Hi Lisa,

I've been known to be be a complete jerk to my Wife, coworkers, children etc., but almost immediately after my outbursts, I want to take back everything I've said (usually).  Not knowing a whole lot about BPD, I am inclined to agree with Kathy.  I think that recognizing the problem and not blameing yourself is your first step toward getting away from this abuse.  Your children will see it eventually and $$$$ can't keep you there. 

Most of us w/ ADHD are usually pretty nice folks, a bit difficult yes, but overall pretty loveable creatures.  Has he been formally diagnosed?

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Ken

 

 

Oh geez. I am so sorry you are going through this--it's awful, and no one deserves to be treated like that. I'm really having visions of my ex right about now--he was extremely verbally abusive (not ADD that I know of), and this is sounding very similar to the BS he used to pull.

So I'm going to tell you this: IT IS NOT YOU.


I wanted to let you know that your children do not want to see you suffer. They catch onto more stuff than they let on. They may 'hate' you temporarily should you leave this man--they will get over it. No kid wants to watch their mother suffer. I can say right now that if someone was speaking to MY mother like that, they'd be missing a few teeth right about now. (And that's if they were VERY lucky and my sister didn't get to them first.)

 

I would start talking to a lawyer or local bank to look into your options, if you haven't already. Please be safe. We'll be thinking of you and your kids.

This is not about his ADHD. This is bad behaviour, period. ADHD is not an excuse to be abusive, and that is exactly what he is being. This is not your fault, and you need to get yourself and your children out of the situation as soon as you can. This in not your fault, and is not about you.

You are by no means alone, although I know it feels like it. You could try talking to a counsellor at your local women's shelter, or Violence Against Woman's office. They can at least help you come up with a safety plan, and a plan to put in place to be able to leave the situation.

Good luck!

You should leave him alone as long as he is not hearing, all these abuse actions are come from the lack of self-confidence. Silence never works on us, reasonable conversations can be easily started after physical exhaustion.

 

ADHD can lead to polar personality, because we are facing pressure since we was very small. He is just trapped in his own world, supportive and forgiving nature really helps one out from the anger issues.

 

I wish you both find the happy way out. :)

Begin making a realistic plan NOW and start stashing money, furniture, dishes and whatever you have in a hidden location or at a friends house.  There is a way out, but it will take careful planning in advance.  Do NOT wait for things to improve.....you are not responsible for your boyfriends actions or attitude.  Regardless of what his diagnosis may be, enough is enough!  Spare yourself & seek solitude & peace of mind.  I sincerely pray you find a resolution in the near future.

Yeah, to be honest this doesn't really sound like ADHD - maybe a nasty personality streak exacerbated by ADHD, but not simply ADHD! It is possible that his ADHD has led him to develop this personality as a way of coping with things (e.g. perhaps he's developed a sense of distrust and animosity to others due to the way people have treated him over his life, and an over inflated ego as a kind of self-protective device), but as someone else says it actually sounds more like an personality disorder.

Please don't allow yourself to feel trapped - if the relationship is making you feel as miserable as it sounds it may be worth the short term sacrifices for the sake of your long term happiness. It doesn't sound like he's going to change, and although you say you think your children will hate you if you leave him, they are not going to respect you in the long run if you allow yourself to be trampled into the ground by this man. You don't say how old your children are, so obviously what you can tell them about the situation will depend on that, but I think you should be able to find an appropriate way to explain to them that although he might be fun for them to be around, he was making you feel really sad and was sometimes being mean to you. Even quite young kids can grasp the idea that you don't want to stay friends with someone who keeps being horrible to you!

You say you are financially trapped - it might be worth seeking advice from an expert about this as depending on the circumstances there might be more options than you think. Without knowing more about your circumstances I couldn't be more specific than that, but definitely try to seek some help regarding your financial situation.

I really, really wish you good luck with this!

All I can say is that I'm an ADHD man and I don't treat anybody that way.

I think it's safe to say that it's not uncommon for there to be other "issues" in folks w/ ADHD.

 

AS someone who grew up in an abusive-between-parents home, and left my husband when our marriage was heading in that direction for the sake of our son - GET OUT. If he won't get help, help yourself & your children. Yes, your children may be mad & resentful at his exit from your lives - but if Momma ain't happy, Noone is happy. And speaking from personal experience (and post-therapy), if you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop/next episode/feel like crap - you cannot parent your children as effectively as when YOU are happy & healthy.  While I felt guilty, sad, shamed about leaving my husband, I became SO much "happier" in my mind, and I was able to parent my son better.  Of course he'd like Mommy & Daddy to be back together, but he also sees that M & D are pretty happy, and we co-parent better than many.

 

Good luck!

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