Credit Where Credit is Due

[Miss K]

I am at an overwhelming transition point in my life so I decided that I needed to take a staycation...a mental health break. I'm delegating some responsibilities in my life and taking some time off at work.

So I called my grad school advisor to ask her if I had any options for dealing with this semester's school work that I may not have been aware of. This was also the conversation where I got to "come out" to her as an ADHDer.

We talked for a good 45 minutes, it turned out great. She gave me some options and next week after I've had a chance to think about them we're going to come up with a plan.

In the middle of the conversation she says "let me say back to you what I just heard you say...you have two jobs, you survived being an undergrad, you've done all kinds of other stuff, you are about to graduate from graduate school with a 3.8...and you have a mental health issue that the university classifies as a learning disability, but you did this all on your own because you hadn't been diagnosed yet. You're awesome!".

I guess I'd never thought of it like that before. I spend so much time pushing myself harder as a student because I don't feel very good about myself academically (internalized ADHD self-esteem issues anyone?) and uh...wow.

Huh. So...the moral of the story is. Don't forget to give yourself credit where it's due people.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Exactly! Awesome Miss K. I emphasize this constantly and I don't think I have written it this concise or direct, as you just did. In a nutshell, you got the message! You're fortunate to have such a mentor in your life.

[DANA]

HIGH FIVES to you Miss K! How exciting that you are managing two jobs, grad school & ADHD much better than what you have realized!

Yes, I agree that we need to provide ourselves with credit where credit is deserved. Instead of coming down so hard on ourselves, we need to appreciate our accomplishments and give ourselves a pat on the back!

[Miss K]

I don't think anyone else in my life had put it that bluntly before...it pretty much knocked me on my ass when she said it. I never thought of it like that. Sure hit me deep though; still processing it. And processing the fact that I never believed in myself...! I don't think I realized how much I didn't until she said it and I was finally able to see how wrong and debilitating self-torture really is.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

K - as you know, putting ourselves down, negative thinking, and just plain pessimism is contagious. It's easy to lose track of ourselves and our accomplishments; therefore, we do not always give ourselves the credit we are due. As you know I have been attacked repeatedly for spreading positive thinking in relation to ADHD; however, I have NEVER taken away from any of us the fact that ADHD is challenging, destructive at times and a serious condition that deserves and needs treatment, but those that attack me write as though I have lived a peachy clean, blessed life in order to promote their own agenda, whatever that is - when really all I am saying is that we are more than just a challenge, just a problem or that we are not limited to failure and defeat. Then again, I should feel honored that I have garnered so much attention across the net – I mean, I have to give credit where credit is due… right?

Keep on keeping on!

[Miss K]

I believe that it is of the utmost importance to discuss and portray and acknowledge ADHD in 3-D. That means including the good and the bad and the grey areas, because all of those things are true. I think it's wrong to say that it is all good and very equally wrong to say it is all bad.

Acknowledging the good gives me strength, but acknowledging the bad gives me the full picture I need to really address my challenges in the ways that will help me the most :)

I think for me, the difference I am starting to see in my thinking is that I am replacing my old descriptions of the negative, with new kinds of descriptions. For example, I used to just think I was lazy, or nuts, that something was wrong with me to make me the way I was, to make me feel so off center from "the rest". Because I didn't understand what I was dealing with, I spent a lot of energy (that could have been better spent) rationalizing the bad away instead of really dealing with it and being frustrated, and trying to ignore my obstacles away. Now...I stare them down :) Sometimes it's scary...but I know it's for the best. I prefer an honest relationship with myself. Now I have a name for it, and that name isn't lazy, it's ADHD. It's an identifiable phenomenon that adds its interference for both bad and good, to what I do.

I used to spend so much energy doing things the way I thought I was supposed to...and repeatedly failing. Now I spend time finding ways to do things that work for ME, and as I do, I gain confidence and am becoming more able to just honor my own "ways" of doing things, and my own adaptations of known coping methods, to replace the negative ones I've carried around for so long. I would not be able to do this as well though, if I did not acknowledge the specific obstacles that I experience as someone with ADHD. My attempts at getting through life more efficiently are not all perfect efforts, but my effort tends to be better spent now...because my understanding of my obstacles is far more accurate...because I take the time to see them for what they really are now.

With the "good"...well, I just plain take the time more often now to remind myself just how good they are. Not to erase awareness of my obstacles, but if anything, to just give myself a more balanced picture...because my life after all, isn't ALL obstacles, it's a mixture of good and bad and efficient and inefficient, and...you get the idea.

In other words, I agree with you. And a lot of the issues people discuss on here are obstacles, but there are different ways to discuss these of course...ways that encourage positive, forward-thinking action, or ways that reinforce negative and life-thwarting inaction. Even the most persistent obstacle is worthy of addressing with a smile, as long as we also allow ourselves the space to simply grieve a little when we do feel a bit sad about some of the soul-debris we run into along our "ADHD journeys". Lately I have indeed run into many tidbits within myself that I needed to sit with a while, mourn if you will...and THEN take steps to move forward from. Transition is never a perfect experience.

Something I've learned from what my advisor said though is just how hard I have been being on myself, without even totally realizing it...so I know that I could spend even a little more time right now affirming my positive traits.

You know this, but don't let the internet complaints department get you down...you certainly deserve credit for creating an environment on the web that encourages people to, as I said, work through and with obstacles in a positive, forward looking way. I find this community to be a useful tool as I create my own 3-D picture of what ADHD means in my life, and work to find positive ways to develop and express myself, both with and without my particular obstacles.

[Eileen]

Being able to view yourself through someone else's eyes is such a gift! I hope you are able to bask in the beauty and perfection of what your advisor has seen in you and are able to come back to that feeling whenever you need it.

Congratulations on your success!

[Jay]

That is awesome.

I am lucky to have a wife that tells me things like that now and then. However, compliments and praise bounce off me like water off a duck's back. Comorbidity anyone? :)

[janne wallace]

i'm still knocked out by the 3.8..that IS awesome-you go girl!

[Gary]

I think that this is tied up with the perfectionism discussion.

Objectively, I know that I am awesome. Due to my ADD I tend to become interested in a wide variety of subjects, hyperfocus on them for a while and then go on to something else. As a result, academically I'm something of a combination of Mr. Spock (Star Trek) and Dr. Reed (Criminal Minds).

But that's not how I feel. Subjectively, I could do more, know more and be better at what I do.

Dammit, I just memorised 10 pages of dialogue for the film I was in and I still don't feel like I accomplished something amazing.

Internalised ADHD self-esteem issues anyone? :)

[Miss K]

This is why I love this online community. Thank you for your responses everyone. Anyone that knows me offline can tell you, I have a hard time (as others of you do) hearing the positive, and unless it's required for work-related purposes, and I don't enjoy being the center of attention in and of myself. So...it's nice to hear positive encouragement from people who I know totally "get" it...I hear you and I hear what you are saying as "real"...just as I am finally able to hear what my advisor said and think it over and digest it...and maybe enjoy it a little.

Janne: "i'm still knocked out by the 3.8..that IS awesome-you go girl!" Thank you Janne...that's one of those things that seems superficial, but it's the only way we have to measure academic performance with a "number"...I'm really proud of it because throughout my life I always had people telling me I wasn't living up to my potential. First of all, how did they even know what my potential was, how arrogant (something else my advisor said to me, lol, she's a smart lady). Second...it IS just a number. There are other ways to measure success. But to me it means something, and I'm proud...and thank you for acknowledging it.

Eileen: "Being able to view yourself through someone else's eyes is such a gift!" Right? Geez. Probably savor that for the rest of my life. Use it to rewrite over some of the past negative tapes :) The gifts we never asked for are often the very best.

Jay: "However, compliments and praise bounce off me like water off a duck's back. Comorbidity anyone? :) " HAHA...seriously dude. I hear you.

Gary: "I think that this is tied up with the perfectionism discussion." Are you reading my mind or just pretending Gary? HAHA. Nail on the head, Gary, nail on the head. Oh and GARY...ROCK IT on the memorizing mister! Great work...I used to be an actor myself. At first, memorizing was THE WORST. I have a hard time working independently to memorize because I memorize much better through the movement of rehearsing a scene...I almost cannot remember lines before I have my blocking/stage movements. Directors that ask you to memorize prior to the first rehearsal? BASTARDS! Lucky for me, once I connect the movement to it, I memorize quickly...so I'd get to rehearsal unmemorized, have an annoyed director, but by the end of the night be off book and they would be off my ass. Monologues though...always a challenge. Keep on rockin' buddy, I totally get it.

DANA and Bryan: I always appreciate your posts so much. Dana, the detail and care you put into your posts and responses reveals a compassionate spirit. Bryan...your willingness to share your most humiliating moments with the rest of us is priceless, because we ALL have them and the common experience of acknowledging our challenges in a supportive environment, I believe, supports positive thinking.

Thanks gain everyone. I have to deal with my other professors this week and hopefully they will be as understanding as my advisor was. I know that one of them actually has a significant mental health issue herself, AND an adult daughter with ADHD :) The other one, I know has had his own challenges, though I don't know what they are...should be interesting conversations all around.