Have you been oft-considered 'aloof' or socially introverted? Have you yourself felt 'left out' of things?

[Scott]

I read once that certain genetic tendencies aside from Autism/Asperger's (Re: AD(H)D) often were accompanied by differences regarding the interperetation of body language in others, and therefore the affected individuals use of/response to body language.

 

None of this meant anything to me until I started researching nonverbal communication a couple of years ago. I only learned what AD(H)D was in it's adult ideation at 32, so once I started delving deeply into behavioral psychology as a hobby I started finding all kinds of strange incongruities to factor in and try and make sense of in regard to my own melange of traits.

 

And one thing I have always been regarded by others as would be 'aloof'. Even though I haven't ever thought of myself as such. If anything, I was very frustrated by my difficulty connecting with and forming close bonds with others growing up. I learned how to compensate for it, learned how to bond with people without it coming naturally, but once I started learning that it does, in fact, come naturally to most humans ...I was off on another curiousity-tangent to understand why and how it did.

 

I'll post more about this, but I wanted to lay the foundation and see if anyone had any insight off the bat.

[Jae Adams]

As far as I can see within my family, and also being a Moderator on an Autism site I've yet to see a child with ASD's not have co-morbid AD/HD. Even socially - children with ADHD lack necessary social skills and need to be taught them, as they lag behind their peers.

I have children with Asperger's, queery PDD, OCD, ODD, verbal tics, nonverbal learning disabilities, SPD's, Split IQ's anxiety and/or depression and suicidal ideation in various and varied combinations and degrees of such. The four of my five children most affected have also been diagnosed with AD/HD. (I shall also include myself and many of their extended family members in this as well, on both sides... but the list of co-morbidities would be longer.)

[Connie]

I've always been standoffish, and I'm perfectly happy being off to myself, rather be around a lot of people. When I am around others, I tend not to interact with them much.

[Kalstolyn]

As someone with the primarily inattentive subtype of ADHD, I really think the whole nonverbal communication deficit for me is completely and utterly an attentional issue. I am the person who always has scrapes and bruises because I didn't quite notice/pay attention to/process the presence of the coffee table, a bump in the sidewalk, the fact that the doorway was not quite where I expected it to be when I walked through, etc. Sometimes I just completely miss all those subtle nonverbal cues that people give without thinking about it. It's not because I can't recognize or interpret them, as would be the case with someone who has NLD or an ASD. It's because I just didn't notice them.

Sometimes I am amazingly good at picking up on nonverbal cues. Usually it's when I am in a one-on-one situation, and I am interested in the person and what he or she is saying or doing. Yay hyperfocus.

The other part of it, of course, is that I am easily overstimulated and I do tend to sit on the sidelines and just watch what is going on rather than include myself. I also have a social anxiety disorder, which doesn't help much.

[Nadine MH]

I definitely have this issue. I much prefer being by myself or with a small group (friends or strangers) than being in large crowds of strangers. I do a lot of observing before I jump in to a conversation and I am what's called a "thinker" ( I N T J --for those so inclined) -- so I pause before giving responses. I've learned to tell people that's what I'm doing so they don't take my silence as an affront.

Being "aloof" happens under stress for sure. For example -- last year at a meet & greet I didn't do so well with my interactions with some folks -- too direct and too "short" with them -- complaints were registered and that followed me around all year. I have the opportunity to try again next week. Fingers crossed! I've been working on this for months. The bummer is that you can't undo a first impression -- and in my job -- the first impression is a stressful situation for everyone -- so I will have to work extra hard at making sure I don't turn inward. I like when I have the time to talk about my quirks to those I am working with -- being honest & open has helped at work much more often than being used as a weapon.

[tere]

I also drift wildly between extreme awareness of the moods and cues of others and complete obliviousness. Because I can respond so differently depending on my mood, energy level and interest, I am certain that I give mixed signals all the time. I can just hear people saying, "Gosh, she was so outgoing and fun and personable when I ran into her last week, and now she won't make eye contact and acts like she doesn't even know me. Weirdo" This is why I prefer to communicate online. I only go online when I feel like connecting with others and I can turn off the computer when I am tired and overwhelmed. I hate the telephone (and usually won't answer it--I always mistime my answers and interrupt everyone) but love e-mail and facebook. The pace of these interactions just works really well with my social deficits and I am not under any pressure to pay attention at times when I just really can't. As an inattentive ADDer, I also just space out sometimes when people talk to me and hyperfocus at other times. Not a good way to make or keep friends.

[Sally]

I read an article not to long ago about methods of controling relationships. I thought this was really
interesting how they defined being aloof.

"Aloof people attract attention by silence, witholding solicitation, withdrawing.
It's like a gravitational force. Amazing how you can get your loved ones to
anxiously eat out of your hand just by passive aggressive detachment."

I dated a guy who was very aloof and I never knew if he really cared about me but I
really liked him. This was forty years ago. I just connected with him lately and he's
the same way. We communicated for three months and he just vanished lately with no
notice. Why am I surprised?

Has anyone thought about the word"aloof" with this definition? I hadn't!

[Scott]

I imagine that (I mean I guess) many 'only children', not having grown up with siblings, have less experience in gauging other's moods and intentions via their body language. I had an unusual upbringing, in the sense I was not only adopted, but an only child; if I was unsure of another’s feelings or mood- ha! I just asked. But coming into adolescence, and especially in early adulthood- I became painfully aware I did not have an innate, or natural ability to express myself to others. It was always an effort- insofar as just ‘saying’ how I felt or thought often didn’t get a corresponding reaction from other people. I discovered this in the workplace- at age 19- a bunch of young people working together, and yet I was so socially awkward it drove me nuts- because I had all the words and humor, the wit and enthusiasm to be a part of the group- but I just couldn’t pull it off. It was more than just what we call ‘social anxiety’, I had almost no ability to be instinctively ‘close’ or ‘familiar’ with others.
I was able to compensate for all this by 22, when I learned how to fit in taking advantage of my social strengths while also learning the skills of the ‘social chameleon’. But I never knew the whys and hows of it.
It’s body language, often body language that corresponds directly to the body language of primates. It’s so simple and obvious once the science is learned it has an almost ‘re-definitive’ quality about it.

[Cathie]

It's weird, as others have said.....it depends with me. I don't think I'm aloof....in fact I can be pretty gregarious. I definitely have my Dad's trait, in that I've never met a stranger....I chat with folks I don't know in line to things, etc. I also stand in front of groups and speak successfully (ie engaging the group) with little anxiety.

With that being said....I have been told by folks that before they knew me....they felt I was aloof. In thinking about it....it must be an attentional thing. I'm combined type (I get to be both impulsive and inattentive ) When I'm not paying attention (ie I'm in my own little world)...I could imagine that folks that didn't know me would think me aloof.

The whole missing non-verbal cues....yes... definitely. I'm much better now than when I was a child (I really think that spending time out of the country helped here....it forced me to pay more attention to not only the nonverbal cues around me, but what nonverbal language I use)....but, yes, still can miss these if I'm in my own head to much.