Husbands lack of acceptance of my dx

[Marr]

I am diagnosed with the Inattentive ADD. I came out of the doctors all smiles until I called my husband to tell him about my diagnoses. My husband's first response to my daignoses was "that's what they do labotomies for", which of course really upset me. I finally asked him if he understand what ADD was and he said not really, and got on the computer immediately and started reading as he wasn't accepting my explaination, which was just as was being discribed there. He did agree to read a brief synopesis of it in one of my books, and did but nothing further to my knowledge. I have made attempts at trying to help him understand how I'm affected but he just makes some comment that makes me clam up. I have not understood why he is doing this as he has diagnosed anxiety issues, even had a major anixety attack which he thought was a heart attack and takes occassional medication for it. We both believe he also has OCD, but isn't doing anything about it, and I believe he has a good possiblity of being ADHD himself though the OCD keeps him highly organized. I can't move a pen out of his desk draw without him knowing its not in just a certain position. I feel like I'm supposed to be understanding of him and his issues, and I am partly from living with my own.

I feel this need inside for him to have some understanding about what is going on inside me, and how my medication has positively affected me with specific symptoms, and what I'm working on. He is a writer and I've been continplating writing him a letter about my experience with undiagnosed and diagnosed ADD and Dyselexia/Dysgraphia.  I think if I write it he will read it. I do not know how he will respond to me about it after that, but at least he will have some knowledge of what I've been through, and what I'm attempting to do to bring about positive experience with this in my life.

 

Has anyone tried doing this before, and did it help? Any suggestions?   Marr

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Marr,

 

It's really difficult to experience what you are experiencing. Trying to make someone understand, especially when they don't seem to want to understand is very difficult and frustrating, especially if anger and resentment are part of it, which unfortunately, often are. As far as writing out your experiences along with your interpretation I think is a very good idea, not just for 'him', but also for YOU. Writing One Boy's Struggle is one of the best things I have ever done. Although my family was not happy that I wrote the book, I know that it provided them with an insight that they did not previously have. Give it a shot, if not for him, but for you just as much so.

 

Good luck :)

 

Bryan

[Marr]

Hi Bryan ~ I got a hold of an link with a brief description of a woman with ADD might behave when experiencing symptoms that my husband was willing to read. He chuckled after reading the first paragraph. I asked him about it and he said that sounds like you. I made sure I didn't ask until I could tell he was finished reading it. To me it was a positive acknowledgement. I think it might have helped where it only had to do with women.

Since he says he isn't seeing any changes, when one of my friends mentioned a number of them she saw, I decided to try something different. (He has done this before when others noticed I'd lost weight and he couldn't tell.) I asked him if he would tell me one thing, just one, that I could work on that would make a real difference for him. I said that maybe it might help to reduce some of his anxiety a little bit. I told him he didn't have to give me an answer right away and could think about it. and then I plan on getting specific ADD friendly ways to accomplish it. 

One of the teens at church is wanting to earn some money for church girls camp. I agreed to have her come Tuesday after school to help me vaccumm my car and dust in my house. Dusting is something that overwhelms me in my home, as I have lots of it to do. Even if I have to clear surfaces and put them into bags temporily I feel to let her in my home to help. It's a really big step for me to get help, and her camp was a good excuse both ways. It will also help me experiment with having a little help. I don't have any children of my own to help with some of the chores, and I'm also working from 8-2, my best time of day when I'm my freshest. So that adds more of a burden as I am definately not hyperactive with no race car mind, unless I'm over anxious and then my brain can shut down on me. I'm at the slower end of the spectrum.  

I just got a copy of your autobiography. Thank you for sharing your story with others so we feel less alone.  I'm going to write up some of mine soon. ~ Marr

[Bee]

Hi Marr, 

I feel for you because I am having the same issue.  My husband still believes that the ADD is something I need fixed in my life, the same way you fix a cavity, or a digestive problem.  Can you please share the link you mention in your above post? Would love to read it. Thanks, Bee

[Marr]

totallyadd.com Common ADHD symptoms in women

[Erich Brough]

I get seriously fumed when I hear about husbands showing contempt and lack of empathy for their spouses struggles with ADD, especially when it's obvious (as with you) that their spouses are making a real effort to get help and improve their functioning.  If he can't show some level of empathy, I would refuse to talk to him about it, and communicate strictly through notes, articles, etc. Contemptuous people need a serious wake-up call (that may have to come in the form of a separation or divorce notice) so that they pay attention to the roots of their  highly destructive behavior.

[TriggerHappyVampire]

[Sabrina A]

My parents are going through the reverse.

Mom swears Dad has ADD, based on what we've been learning for the past year, helping my son since then, and as of Jan '11 myself. She is pushing him to go get checked by our doctor. Her NP is my ADD-provider, so the practice knows all of us & quirks. Which I hope helps my dad get help - they have some idea of the overall picture, since he may low-ball/downplay some aspects that drive the whole rest of his family up the wall.

And recently, his (probable) narcolepsy + ADD + poss depression = getting fired from a job.

[EINSTEIN]

Wow that's what I'm going threw, after being pushed to go see the doctor cause of my anger, not wanting to be around people going from good mood to a bad mood in 2 seconds or less.
So after being found to be in deep depression and treated for that, they found out that i'm add and that's when the wife applied the breakes and does'nt want anything to do with it. If I mention add I get a strange look I'm currently trying to think before I act and manage my time wisely but find it very hard to do without her support after all we have been married for 21 yrs. We run a business together I work from home and she runs the store front at a other location so we really don't have much time for communication to begin with. I'm open for any suggestions.

[Veronica Moore]

Some people don't have any compassion and understanding  of ADD.  Their level of understanding is different from yours. It's like oil and water.  I feel your pain. 

[Mags Smith]

I haven't, but it did take my husband ages to process my diagnosis.  He had so many similar symptoms to my ADD that I don't think he wanted to confront it.

 

He now often remarks about his own ADD - even though he sees no need to do anything about it.

 

:)

 

 

[Mags Smith]

Also - my husband has for so long 'enabled' me by doing all the finances, paperwork etc.  It took him a while to let go of some of that and trust me to get into it myself.  So his 'comfortable' world and role shifted quite a bit as I began to deal with my ADD.

 

It's not surprising it took him a while - we've been together since we were both 18 and we're 53 now.

 

 

[Shelley]

Just like him one day he may not have believed in his writing but the doing and the doing.....is what has got him where he is.

It may help by taking him to the Dr with you and have the Dr explain this to your husband and give him reassurance that this vibrant super woman can have problems and that the support he gives you only aids in your dealing with this and all your diagnoses.

Both of you!

Sickness and in health, I do, meant not what he is doing, time to leave literature EVERYWHERE!

...................maybe on-top of his pen.

You WILL get through this, however if he does not, remember YOU HAVE TO FOR Marr!!!!!!

Shelley