Anything & Everything ADHD
I don't want to say too little too late but...uh...
...in the next installment (just this week) of "I swear that all of the people dear to me are trying to drive me insane" we have my recent ex-boyfriend.
I'm not real thrilled with him right now, but despite that, I still think he's a basically good person. And it's better for us to be getting along while he's making his plans to move out. So as far as breakups go, things are fine.
Tonight however, I noticed that one of my business bank accounts was overdrawn, which made NO sense. I have worked so hard on making my bookkeeping current and really getting my businesses operating smoothly that I should be proud that I was able to catch it pretty quickly. But it really, really made no sense. I called the ex, because I was at the office, and he was at the house. I asked if he would mind grabbing my bookkeeping "to-do" folder and looking for a specific deposit slip that would help me clarify what had happened...since looking over the online information was making my ADHD brain explode. He said he didn't mind, so he got the bookkeeping folder out.
Don't worry, he didn't steal my money...the punchline is so much funnier and sadder and more bittersweet than that.
He asked me what to look for...and I explained it. And he shuffled papers around...and then said sorry, I wasn't listening, can you tell me again (it had been a very detailed explanation, because even though I am organized, I am still an ADHDer and the explanation even for a bank receipt is like "turn left at the cupcake and somewhere near the brown cow on the corner there's a golden ticket...that's not the one you want, it's the other one with the sparkles...keep going"). Now honestly, that thing he does, where he says he wasn't listening...I know I do it too because duh, I'm the ADHDer but seriously a) it drives me nuts because it's hard enough for me to explain things the first time b) I'm impatient and c) I DO NOT THINK I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS THE ADHD MEDS, but that's just between you and me, dear reader of this post.
Anyway, I thought my head was going to explode as I'm listening to him shuffle papers around (and I'm saying to him, oh my god, I hope you aren't doing what it sounds like you're doing with those papers because I'm going to just die if you are...) and I'm asking him if he's found it and he's saying no and suddenly he goes quiet. And I hear a whimper...and then I ask "what, what's wrong, did you find it?".
"No."
Oh, I ask...then what's wrong. "I get it. I get it now. I get it. I'm such an asshole. Jesus, I'm such an asshole".
As tempting as it was for me to just jump on that and run with it, I asked why.
"Because I'm shuffling through your business papers and...and I can see how much work you have. I can see how hard you've been working. I can see it now. I don't know why I couldn't see it before, but now I see it." He sounded genuinely crushed. The sound of a man that just killed Santa Claus and then realized "oh shit, I just killed Santa, the magic is gone".
I said, you mean how hard I have been working on making two small businesses successful in their early development, so that I will have something to show for my work in a couple of years...
And he said yes, and while you have been working so hard at reorganizing your whole life, and your brain, and everything...
And I said yes, and while going to graduate school and somehow been doing really well despite my previously dismal academic life...and changing my literal brain chemicals three times in 6 months, AND having a pretty hideous medication catastrophe before finding something that actually worked? And I still kept going to work, and going to school, and running my businesses, and reached out for help to friends and did whatever I had to in order to make it work?
And he said yes...for some reason, when I started going through your papers it was finally clear, I finally understand what you were saying...and I see that I've been a big asshole. I could have been helping you, I could have been supporting you...I could have been PROUD of you and all the work you are doing instead of trying to drag you into my own misery all this time.
This is one of those victories that you never really want. I know him well...he's not just trying to win his way back into my good graces. He really and truly just realized that he really has been intentionally adding to my burdens, for two of the three years that we have been together.
And I don't want to sound like a martyr here, I am after all, an ADHDer who struggles with impatience and is working VERY hard on her chronic overcommitment, but I've made huge strides (which he agrees with)...and it's a fact that despite that, I constantly encouraged him to pursue his own dreams, which he was neglecting. And he would angrily blame me for the hours he would spend spinning his wheels in a prison of his own making. And I would try to find ways to include him in my public victories, even as he crapped on me at home for pursuing them. And I would do my best to help him make connections that could help him in his career that he insisted he wanted but would then sabotage at every turn with his own inaction. And he would find manipulative ways to try to get me to participate in his own insecurity...which didn't work...and exhausted me further, because I didn't want to participate in his self-abuse. And he would get mad at me for not participating in it with him.
I believe in his talent, and the good and shiny and giving parts of his soul...but it was beyond me to retrieve them from his anger.
And now he sees it. After I've asked him to leave...after he's found a new place...after two years of having my soul run through a meatgrinder for daring to pursue goals that I was incapable (thanks ADHD!) of pursuing earlier in my life. He added weight to my days, and those days, because of the many tasks I needed to complete to get through this phase, were already so heavy...and so lonely without his support. A support that was only ever really offered conditionally.
The other day he asked me about something I was working on and I immediately started to give my usual panicked/defensive answer as if I had to justify that I was simply "being". He got an awful look on his face and said "jesus, this is what I've done to you isn't it...you don't have to defend yourself like that".
So I'm just going to consider this a gift from my credit union, to me. Not a gift that I take any pride in...but hopefully something we can both learn something from.
I swear, this week is just a Greatest Hits of bizarre human interactions...
I'm not real thrilled with him right now, but despite that, I still think he's a basically good person. And it's better for us to be getting along while he's making his plans to move out. So as far as breakups go, things are fine.
Tonight however, I noticed that one of my business bank accounts was overdrawn, which made NO sense. I have worked so hard on making my bookkeeping current and really getting my businesses operating smoothly that I should be proud that I was able to catch it pretty quickly. But it really, really made no sense. I called the ex, because I was at the office, and he was at the house. I asked if he would mind grabbing my bookkeeping "to-do" folder and looking for a specific deposit slip that would help me clarify what had happened...since looking over the online information was making my ADHD brain explode. He said he didn't mind, so he got the bookkeeping folder out.
Don't worry, he didn't steal my money...the punchline is so much funnier and sadder and more bittersweet than that.
He asked me what to look for...and I explained it. And he shuffled papers around...and then said sorry, I wasn't listening, can you tell me again (it had been a very detailed explanation, because even though I am organized, I am still an ADHDer and the explanation even for a bank receipt is like "turn left at the cupcake and somewhere near the brown cow on the corner there's a golden ticket...that's not the one you want, it's the other one with the sparkles...keep going"). Now honestly, that thing he does, where he says he wasn't listening...I know I do it too because duh, I'm the ADHDer but seriously a) it drives me nuts because it's hard enough for me to explain things the first time b) I'm impatient and c) I DO NOT THINK I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDS THE ADHD MEDS, but that's just between you and me, dear reader of this post.
Anyway, I thought my head was going to explode as I'm listening to him shuffle papers around (and I'm saying to him, oh my god, I hope you aren't doing what it sounds like you're doing with those papers because I'm going to just die if you are...) and I'm asking him if he's found it and he's saying no and suddenly he goes quiet. And I hear a whimper...and then I ask "what, what's wrong, did you find it?".
"No."
Oh, I ask...then what's wrong. "I get it. I get it now. I get it. I'm such an asshole. Jesus, I'm such an asshole".
As tempting as it was for me to just jump on that and run with it, I asked why.
"Because I'm shuffling through your business papers and...and I can see how much work you have. I can see how hard you've been working. I can see it now. I don't know why I couldn't see it before, but now I see it." He sounded genuinely crushed. The sound of a man that just killed Santa Claus and then realized "oh shit, I just killed Santa, the magic is gone".
I said, you mean how hard I have been working on making two small businesses successful in their early development, so that I will have something to show for my work in a couple of years...
And he said yes, and while you have been working so hard at reorganizing your whole life, and your brain, and everything...
And I said yes, and while going to graduate school and somehow been doing really well despite my previously dismal academic life...and changing my literal brain chemicals three times in 6 months, AND having a pretty hideous medication catastrophe before finding something that actually worked? And I still kept going to work, and going to school, and running my businesses, and reached out for help to friends and did whatever I had to in order to make it work?
And he said yes...for some reason, when I started going through your papers it was finally clear, I finally understand what you were saying...and I see that I've been a big asshole. I could have been helping you, I could have been supporting you...I could have been PROUD of you and all the work you are doing instead of trying to drag you into my own misery all this time.
This is one of those victories that you never really want. I know him well...he's not just trying to win his way back into my good graces. He really and truly just realized that he really has been intentionally adding to my burdens, for two of the three years that we have been together.
And I don't want to sound like a martyr here, I am after all, an ADHDer who struggles with impatience and is working VERY hard on her chronic overcommitment, but I've made huge strides (which he agrees with)...and it's a fact that despite that, I constantly encouraged him to pursue his own dreams, which he was neglecting. And he would angrily blame me for the hours he would spend spinning his wheels in a prison of his own making. And I would try to find ways to include him in my public victories, even as he crapped on me at home for pursuing them. And I would do my best to help him make connections that could help him in his career that he insisted he wanted but would then sabotage at every turn with his own inaction. And he would find manipulative ways to try to get me to participate in his own insecurity...which didn't work...and exhausted me further, because I didn't want to participate in his self-abuse. And he would get mad at me for not participating in it with him.
I believe in his talent, and the good and shiny and giving parts of his soul...but it was beyond me to retrieve them from his anger.
And now he sees it. After I've asked him to leave...after he's found a new place...after two years of having my soul run through a meatgrinder for daring to pursue goals that I was incapable (thanks ADHD!) of pursuing earlier in my life. He added weight to my days, and those days, because of the many tasks I needed to complete to get through this phase, were already so heavy...and so lonely without his support. A support that was only ever really offered conditionally.
The other day he asked me about something I was working on and I immediately started to give my usual panicked/defensive answer as if I had to justify that I was simply "being". He got an awful look on his face and said "jesus, this is what I've done to you isn't it...you don't have to defend yourself like that".
So I'm just going to consider this a gift from my credit union, to me. Not a gift that I take any pride in...but hopefully something we can both learn something from.
I swear, this week is just a Greatest Hits of bizarre human interactions...
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FREE Ebooks:
(click images to download)
Feel free to save, share and email these eBooks!
Info about ADDer World, Bryan's Bio, Etc...
Guidlines - Please Read
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