My crazy brain

[Colleen]

I am 53 years old. I was diagnosed with A.D.D.10 years ago. I’ve made great strides in understanding it, but I seem to keep making the same mistakes even with the meds, the counseling etc. The tapes in my head never completely turn off, and I’m so tired of trying and failing. Sometimes I think that the world would be a safer and better place if I just quit trying, Yet from as far back as I can remember, I seem to have some light deep inside that never completely shuts off. Call it eternal optimism, call it perseverance, call it my inner child, call it the up side to the down side of having a crazy brain, but whatever it is, it makes it possible for me to get up every day and do it again.

I am highly distractible and impulsive, and I have harmed myself and others on many occasions because of it. But I often wonder if my inner light isn’t the direct result of that impulsiveness and distractablity. In the course of a day I am often distracted by and overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of a sunny day, a soft breeze, my grandson playing, or one of my kids just being who they are So many people I know seem to have a brain that can not be distracted long enough to soak the good stuff in, and won’t act on an impulse to stop everything and be in the moment. Instead, they are completely immersed in the task at hand or the goal that they want to reach, or the stuff that they think will make them happy. My impulsiveness is what causes me to stop everything and take the good stuff in. My distractibility takes my focus off of the struggle and puts it on the good stuff. Even though the light inside me has often been reduced to a slight flicker, it never goes completely out and for that reason I am grateful that I have a crazy brain.

[Emily]

HI Colleen!

I know exactly what you mean, obviously, or else, why would I be here, right? I just think it's really important that ADDers vocalize our empathy to each other because I find the hardest thing about this... what do I call it...? Condition? is how isolating it can be to see the world so differently from other people. On the other hand, I like to think that seeing the world the way we do is more vibrant, more, I don't know, REAL. It's like the difference between black and white and technicolor. Nonetheless, the very fact that other people don't get that or us and the way we think can make for some lonely days.

Anyway, where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Have you read The Gift of Adult ADD? I read it recently because I am applying to law schools and I needed to find a way to spin my ADD positively in order to kind of explain why my grades weren't stellar even though I'm brilliant (or so I like to think/my mother tells me, haha). It helped with that some, although, I didn't end up mentioning the ADD, specifically, in my applications.

At any rate, I think it might help you find a way to express what you are feeling to yourself and kind of put it into a compartment in your brain, if that's something that appeals to you. It certainly helped me to find words for things I already knew in what one of my professors in college referred to as my "deep down smart place," which helped bring them to life and shed light on my strengths and "honor my feelings" (a different college professor gave me that little gem, I don't think a day goes by that I don't tell someone that they have to honor their feelings, I LOVE that expression. :D) about my weaknesses.

http://www.amazon.com/Gift-Adult-ADD-Transform-Challenges/dp/157224...

When I saw your post, the subject line totally hooked me, then I read the post and I couldn't resist. I had to share. ;{P

Have a great rest of the week!
Emily

[Colleen]

Emily,
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. Just knowing that you get what I am talking about makes me smile and feel better about my crazy brain. I have learned so much about my"condition" since my diagnosis and I am well aware of my tendency towards isolation. It sometimes feels absolutely futile to try to share my inner struggles and real feelings with the many loved ones in my life who try to understand, (but can't help but be clueless) I have managed to isolate myself quite a bit over the last year and I know that what I need is to know that I am not alone. I am just recently beginning to emerge from a rather long period of hopelessness and the people on this site really do have so much hope to share. My ADD has been a negative factor much more than a positive factor over the last 2 years and I finally walked away from my teaching position after enduring way more workplace abuse than I should have. (long story for another day)
So no more feeling sorry for myself, time to once again, pull myself up by my bootstraps and let that flickering light shine again down in my "deep down smart place" ( I love that !!!!)
I have heard of the book that you recommended and I will definitely check it out. I am jobless and confused about what path to take at this point in my life as far as career goes, and it sounds like this book might help me figure it out.

Thanks again,
Colleen

[Emily]

Hi Colleen,

It's really my pleasure. It's so nice to feel understood, isn't it? I find that I am much more who I want to be when I have a couple of other ADDers in my life. I don't know if it's because I grew up with my dad and my brother, who are both ADDers, or my best friend from kindergarten, who is also an ADDer, or my best friends from high school who were never diagnosed, but, let's be honest, we know 'em when we see 'em, don't we? Actually, my very best friend in the whole world came to visit me this summer (he lives in South Texas, where I went to high school and I live in Chicago where I went to college). We have been best friends for 10 years (sort of, we fall in and out of touch, but no one knows me better), and I wasn't diagnosed until a few years ago, so I was never on meds when he and I were inseparable. I never noticed that he completely lacks the ability to stand/sit still, hahaha. There's something magic about the way we converse, though, him and all of the important ADDers in my life. The conversations ramble all over the place, but we always follow each other and there's a lot of "oh, I know, I KNOW!!" Hahaha.

All of this is one of the reasons I think this network is so great. It's SOOO important to have that kind of engaging epiphany moment with people who know exactly what you mean/where you're coming from. I find it helps me center myself. It's like there's this place where we can just be ourselves and no one is judging and everybody gets it and that's so rare for ADDers.

I also find that I need the encouragement that only ADDers can give. There's no limit to our imaginations and we don't take no for an answer (maybe because we need to control our worlds or maybe we just don't hear it, either way, who cares?), so we tend to dream big and encourage each other to go for what we want. When I'm at my best, I live my life in "half joking, full earnest" as my default setting. I'm thinking it would be funny (like crazy funny) if I end up running for senator one day. When I told my mom that she said, "why senator?" and my response was, "Well, Lord knows I don't wanna be president... Come on, Mom." Hahahahahah. The friend I have jokingly tapped for my chief of staff asked me what state I would run in (because I go back and forth between staying in Chicago, and moving back to St. Louis or Texas)... I was like, see, this is why you would make a GREAT COF, you've got your finger on those critical details... HAHAHAHHAHHAHA.

I feel you on the pulling yourself up by your bootstraps thing, I even have a "bootstraps mix" on my iPod for that very purpose. ;) It's not feeling sorry for yourself, I prefer to think of it as "honoring your feelings," (see? I told you, I use it all the time!!!). And while you definitely have to honor your feelings and recognize that life as an ADDer will never be easy, how great is that we have not just the opportunity, but the almost physical need to reinvent ourselves every couple of years. I think there's something to be said for that, because we get to LIVE so much more than other people. I mean, I'm sitting for the Certified Treasury Professional exam in a couple of months, but I'm planning on going to law school next fall. I'm a member of the Association of Financial Professionals (and I have NO idea how I ended up in this line of work, I just kind of fell into it, I guess), but I hope to be a member of the American Bar Association in 4 short years. That's crazy!!! But maybe it's crazy like a fox, you know? :)

At any rate, keep plumbing the depths of that deep down smart place, you'll find what you are supposed to do next there. What works best for me is keeping many irons in the fire all the time until I'm too tired to worry about it and seeing what shakes out. I'm a pretty big believer in providence. I think when you move in a bunch of different directions at the same time, you eventually find exactly the right one, and your deep down smart place will tell you what that is, if you are listening. (I took the GMAT, GRE, and LSAT before I settled on law school, and maybe a joint degree JD/MA in economics. Econ is my real passion, but it's oddly not a career for me, too much math, haha. But I like to think of it as the hat trick of grad school admissions tests, heehee).

In the meantime, keep on pulling up those bootstraps and hang in there! You'll find what you're looking for, and hopefully have some fun along the way! :)

Have a great weekend!
Emily

[Miss K]

Colleen...I tooooootally hear you. It is REALLY hard to ignore the fun of new ideas and toys and plans.

Do you have a friend or family member that can help you come up with like one or two things that you really want to accomplish...and can maybe help you by reminding you of the steps you need to take? I can't afford a coach myself, so I've been reaching out to friends when I need support and it's been nice. I don't burden the same people over and over...just have a few people who can each help me with one thing, from time to time.

Just a thought...for those times when there are things that are important to you that you want to try to attend to, but that you get easily distracted from.

Emily: I'm an ADHD paralegal (who decided not to go to law school intentionally, because I didn't want to give up my creative life. I'm pulling a 3.8 right now in grad school even though my high school grades were nothing to write home about and my undergrad grades were embarrassing. I know what you mean about having to "spin" your story, lol...totally went through that with grad school applications. And my boss? TOTAL ADHD ATTORNEY. Holy cows...hyperactivity poster child, lol, AND a nationally recognized leader in his field. Brilliant people who happen to have ADHD do interesting things all the time, like go to law school...good luck!