New as a mother of an ADD child

[Bozana Ivos]

I just recently realised what my son could have. And he does have ADD.

As a brilliant baby, intelligent little boy who learned two languages with great ease, who is also learning English which is his third language, because he likes it, he couldnt be dumb.
I knew it, but teachers doubted me. Even his psychologist made an IQ test and concluded that he is dumb. I didn't believe him even for a moment because I knew my child.

However, he wondered: How can he have perception 45 and memory 130. Something is wrong here, he said. I must say that, even if the psychologist isn't too smart, what he wrote about the way my son behaved during the IQ test, added one more piece to the puzzle of my understanding. My son showed an extreme inability to concentrate during the test. And his memory test was oral.
The kids were given a flute at school, he started playing and in the same day he could play Jingle Bells. Not perfect but one could recognise the melody and the rhitm was good.
I know he's got future, he will do something with foreign languages or music. I am a translator and also have talent for music, so I can help him. But what to do with the other subjects at school?
Medication can harm him because he is already too small for his age.
I'll be thankful for your experience.

Regards, Bozana

[Miss K]

I wonder if there are ways at home that you can find to help him learn some of the info he needs for school. You probably know him best, so maybe you can come up with some creative ways, that appeal to his best learning styles, to help him learn. I used to work as a tutor, and we had a lot of cool kids that came in with unique learning needs.

For example, one little girl, was very behind in learning to read, and was going to have to wait an extra year to start school as a result. After a year, she could not even remember the alphabet or names of letters, never mind connect and read them. We noticed one day that this energetic little girl, who could not seem to retain information while sitting in her reading lessons, could throw a basketball at a basket and have it go into the basket EVERY SINGLE TIME, from the complete opposite side of the room. At age 5. Lightbulbs went on in one of the teachers' heads and we started teaching her letters by having her form the shapes of the letters with her body, either standing, or laying on the floor. Within a few weeks, she knew all the letters and was starting to remember their sounds when she looked at them because in her body she could remember what they "felt" like.

Maybe music can be used to help him learn math skills, or art projects could be used to teach...I used to have kids draw and color cookie shapes that we would then "split" into pieces that they would share with each other, so they could start to learn about fractions/proportional relationships. I would use matchbox cars to teach the idea of measurement...songs about math facts and ideas are probably available or you could invent some...OR have HIM invent some...in multiple languages :)

So many great ways to address unique learning needs, that can help him learn but will also boost his self-esteem. I wish I could recommend some good books on this...but I bet a local library can help you find some.

Re: psychological testing...when I was in elementary school, my teacher suspected that I was a bright student, despite my inability to complete assignments in the classroom, and my obvious difficulties with timed tests and math concepts. So she sent me to the psychologists office. Similar experience to your son...this psychologist declared that I "would never be a doctor or architect" and told my mother that I simply seemed unable to grasp how to even complete some of the tests, and therefore I really wasn't that bright. She's a smart lady and keyed in on the fact that I was shy and not trusting of strangers...and I had been left alone in this strange room with a man I didn't know, to be asked a bunch of strange questions, where I refused to answer many of them OF COURSE...so she did exactly what a mother should do, and didn't let his declaration bother her, or me, one bit. I am now a college grad who is about to complete a Masters' Degree, am able to functionally communicate without embarrassing myself in a second language, grew up playing three instruments, and have done many interesting things in my life. No, I am not a doctor or an architect, but I am many other interesting things.

It's also true that sometimes learning multiple languages at a time can temporarily make it difficult for children to totally process things, because their brains are forming so many terrific communication pathways, because of all the language stimulation. So...maybe some of his learning difficulties are just a phase that he will pass through as his brain develops further?

Just some thoughts...I bet that finding ways to use his gifts to address his challenges will be really helpful... :)

[Bozana Ivos]

Dear Miss K,

Thanks for your comment. In fact, I have an idea that my difficult marriage and divorce from his drinking father worsened the situation with my son's concentration. Still, I think he's got ADD from the beginning. Last year he had a tutor or tutors and he achieved to B student results. I tried this year without a tutor and he isn't doing anything at school. We live in Holland and we are soon moving to Kosovo, which is in the South of Europe. We will be far from his difficult father which is a blessing, but he will go to an American school since the locals are Albaninas and we are Croats. So he speaks Dutch, Croatian and some English but now lessons will be in English.
My new job is excellent in the situation where people suffer because of the crisis everywhere in the world but I will have to find a tutor for him immediately, otherwise he'll fail this school year.

Would you be so kind to recommand me some general book, sort of simple introduction in the ADD because there is a huge amount of the books and I have no clue where to start.
I congratulate you on your success. Really amazing. You are not a doctor because you didn't wish to become one, probably.
When I was a pupil my concentration was 100%, I never had to study at home. In puberty my mother caused a lot of violence at home, and I lost the gift. Nowadays, as an interpreter I function well but as a translator I have to check every text minimum 3 times and there are still mistakes. So I prefer interpretation. Does the thing like acquired ADD exist? As I said I don't know anything yet.

Have a nice evening, we have a night here.

Regards, Bozana

[Miss K]

I have never had a child with ADHD (although I may have one someday!), so I can't recommend any personally, BUT, here is a list I found online: http://www.addresources.org/books_recommended.php

Here is a website that has a magazine too, that you might find helpful, since most of their offerings relate to problem solving for children who are already diagnosed (less useful for background info or for adults, but might have some helpful strategies): http://www.additudemag.com/

Hopefully some others who DO have children can chime in with some suggestions for learning more about childhood ADHD...and ADHD background...I really only read the ones about adults right now, because that's me :)

The typical standard here is that you cannot "acquire" ADHD, it is something we are born with, which is why with adults, as well as children, they ask you to demonstrate that the person is having "impairment"...for me, this was easy...I had childhood school reports that said "smart child; does not complete assignments" for example, which is something that haunted me throughout my schooling, and not because of a lack of intelligence.

It is possible for bright students to "get away" without being diagnosed though, because they are able to be creative about developing their own coping strategies whether they realize it or not...some of those strategies may be healthy, and some, not so much. So what IS possible with ADHD is to actually have it, but have it take longer to be an "impairment" for certain individuals, or for the impairment to become obvious.

There ARE other medical issues that look like ADHD, and some of them can even exist alongside ADHD. So looking into some of these might be helpful for you and your son. Indeed, stress can be one! Anxiety, OCD, depression, anxiety, can bipolar disorder can all exist with ADHD...or cause symptoms that look like it. Some children may simply experience developmental stages that look like it. Dietary issues or allergies are said to also cause ADHD-like symptoms...some people have thyroid problems that can look like ADHD too. Some of these web resources I've linked to will probably give you a little more info about these things, and they are VERY much worth looking into, especially since your son is so young.

If you are able to afford a tutor for him, that is wonderful...any child would be lucky to have one I would think :) Hopefully someone that can not only give him the extra time and attention, but also understand his unique learning strengths and show him how to use them to do well!

Good luck...and have fun with all those languages...! I love learning languages...French is the second language I can "function" in (though I've let it rot a bit in the last couple of years) and at one point I was loving Spanish...I love how there are certain things that you can say in one language, that is impossible to "get quite right" in another language. That's probably one of the challenges that you both LOVE and HATE about being an interpreter, lol...

[NerdyMommy]

Bozana... the absolute best books that I have read about ADHD (and I've read most of them!) are the "Distraction" books by Dr. Edward Hallowell - Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction. He has a wonderfully open way of explaining ADHD, as it relates to children and adults, and gives ideas for all sorts of treatment options and coping strategies.

[Bozana Ivos]

Thank you so much, all of you who helped me with the information I need. I just started reading this forum, quite interesting stuff. It is nice that no one is alone with our problems.
I'll buy a couple of books starting with the Distractions.
After I teach him to learn, I'll let him work on his talent to become little Mozart, LOL....

Regards,

Bozana

[Michelle MacGregor]

Bozana, I have an extremely bright 4 1/2 year old who has sensory processing disorder and mild adhd. He never stops moving and needs intense physical input. So he crashes into stuff a lot, gets bored easily because he is extremely bright and has trouble focusing and listening. Challenging at best for teachers, but he is an amazing kid.

Like Miss K said, you cannot acquire ADHD (unless through a stroke or a traumatic brain injury), but you can have been bright enough that the difficulty changing focus and being distractible would not cause you trouble until later in life. It always caused trouble for me, though I did well despite it, but it did not reach a crisis until my hormones changed. So it is possible that you have this condition yourself (or your drinking ex-husband, who might be self-medicating) and you child now has the condition - there is a strong genetic link to this issue.

As far as your son goes, some of the things that we do are mostly related to calming, structure and food.

First, structure and direction are best for my son. He needs to have structure and guidance in remembering to do things. We also draw pictures for him on a little card to help him remember certain tasks he needs to accomplish. For example, for his bedtime routine, we often give him a picture of him taking off his clothes and putting them in the laundry, then a picutre of going potty and brushing his teeth and then putting on night time diaper (he is almost 5, but his body is simply not ready to not wet at nigh). We give him this piece of paper and guide him through the process. This can help him as school as well. They call them social stories here. Another thing that can be done is to make absolutely sure that he gets enough sleep. Sleep is super important for everyone with ADHD or ADD.

The other thing that is super important for our son is to avoid blood sugar plunges. This happens after he has eaten white bread or rice or any kind of sugar. So we make sure that he has protein at every meal, fish oil vitamins every day (a supplement or make sure he eats foods rich in DHEA), and give him a protein snack in the afternoon. This can simply be milk if you want - or soy milk or a bit of cheese. It doesn't have to be formal, but the low sugar definitely gives him fits.

Kids with ADHD have difficulty with transitions - the switching focus can be difficult and it will be difficult to get him to change from playing to eating or playing to bed. To help with this, we set alarms on our phones or just a simple kitchen timer . We give him advanced warning that his activity will be ending, then we set the timer and when the timer goes off we aid him in transitioning. He is gettig better daily with it.

I am not sure how this will work where you live, but American schools have education plans and accommodation plans that the teachers put into place in order to help the child. I assume that you have these, but never safe to assume right? So when you get to the American school, you might ask for some of these accommodations. Oh, providing him with a small fidgeting toy that he can put in his pocket or something during times that he has to concentrate might help him. My brother says that he puts little bits of tape on his desk and plays with it and it helps him to concentrate. So if you can find something that your son likes the texture of and it is small and moves a bit, then he can keep it in his pocket and just play with it during lectures and quiet times.

I hope some of this helps, write again if you have any questions.

[Bozana Ivos]

Dear Michelle,

very practical advise is something which I appreciate a lot. I am really sorry for all the troubles that you have with your son but it seems that you are coping well.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that one can see on my son which could betray any troubles. Only at school he doesn't function. His teacher tells me that he often sounds like an adult and that he is far ahead of his schoolmates. But he is the last when he needs to do the tasks.

I have to accept this bitter reality and start fighting the add, along with him. I am not native in the country where we live now, but he was born here. Still he doesn't fit. He is calm and obedient but he lacks concentration. Of course, kids consider him a loser and they are bullying him, which makes him unhappy. Last year he had a great teacher who protected him and worked with him whenever he needed extra attention but this year he has two teachers who don't give him extra explanations.

I don't know whether to tell the teachers about his add in the new school because he could be stigmatised right away. I might choose to give him structure at home and some tutoring, because then he can achieve average results at school. We'll see how the teachers will be. My family and friends are telling me that everything will change when we move away from his drinking father but I don't think so. I know him from the beginning and he has always had the concentration problem.

I'll follow the instructions you gave me, with giving him as much structure as I can. As a single parent, working full time it can be difficult but there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him.

I wish you God's blessing and many happy days with your son, patience you already have. Thank you very much and regards,

Bozana

[Miss K]

"There is nothing, absolutely nothing that one can see on my son which could betray any troubles. Only at school he doesn't function. His teacher tells me that he often sounds like an adult and that he is far ahead of his schoolmates. But he is the last when he needs to do the tasks."

Oh my gosh, Bozana, you could be describing me here. Finishing school assignments was always so difficult, teachers wrote about it in every report card...but I was polite and well-behaved, and smart, so my teachers were always baffled. The other thing in school that was awful? Timed math tests and teachers always wanted to give us timed math tests. Other kids would finish them in a couple of minutes...I would get two problems done. I spent many days indoors at recess time because teachers would make me "sit there" until I was done...which has got to be the worst way to deal with an ADHD child. All through school I felt like I was "getting away with something" because I knew that I was not achieving what I should be, but baffled teachers would just send me to the next grade...because they just didn't know what else to do with me. I always felt like I was living a double life, and just waiting for my world to collapse, because I knew I was struggling to just barely appear normal. Children definitely thought I was odd...fortunately there are always a couple of other odd kids in school :)

Seeing you write that about your son, and knowing that I had a very similar experience, I wish I could give you practical advice...but I was not diagnosed until adulthood! Definitely make sure he gets a good breakfast with protein before school, and if you can, send a non-sugary, protein-rich snack with him to nibble on when he needs to. Definitely make sure to, as I said before, find ways to use his strengths to help him learn things that are harder for him to learn. And always, always make sure that he knows that he is very smart, it's just that his brain just thinks in a unique way!

[Bozana Ivos]

Dear Miss K,

The best comfort for me is reading your posts and realising how smart you are and how far you have come. Reading your disputes with Bryan makes me happy especially. Not becuse I agree or disagree but the fact that both of you made it. Knowing that my smart little boy can come that far makes it easier to accept. Not knowing the dyagnosis was more difficult.

Thanx and have a happy day.

Bozana