OVER REACTING & ADHD.....

[DANA]

Have you been told by others that you "over react" and that you are highly emotional? If so, do you believe that ADHD is the root cause of this type of behavior?

All of my life, I have been told by my friends and family that I am very emotional and that I over react too much. Of course, this comment has brought me to question why I over react?

I try to make sense of it by questioning if this is mostly an ADHD issue, a hormonal issue, my personality or that I am simply very sensitive? Does my gender make it all the more obvious since females are socially accepted for being "emotional" or does gender have absolutely nothing to do with it?

Do any guys who are ADD/ADHD relate to over reacting or being emotional? If so, do you purposely try to change the way you react and respond to others? How does this effect your relationships with family, friends and co-workers?

Through the years, I have made serious attempts to maintain more control over my responses and emotions with others. There are times in which I am easily able to remain calm and not over react. However, in all honesty, if a conflict occurs, it is much more challenging for me to remain "detached" from my emotions.

The interesting thing that I noticed is that when I am at work, if I have a difficult client who is outspoken, rude or unpleasant, I am able to detach myself much more easily. I put on a big smile, I take a deep, slow breath and I continue providing excellent service, regardless how ticked off I may feel on the inside.

Being able to keep my reactions and responses in control at work has been very beneficial for me. It has proved to my supervisor and co-workers that I am very capable of handling negative situations with the public without losing it or shooting off my mouth.

What mystifies me is why I am unable to continue controlling my responses and emotions at home or with close friends? Why am I capable of detaching myself at work, but not when I with my children, family or friends? Does anyone else have the same concerns?

[Chris Tune]

I can defintely tell you this is not just a female's problem. I have this same sort of problem, and I've worked for bosses (also ADHD, or ADD primarily inattentive) who have the same problem. I noticed this as a kid, but did not know such a disorder existed. I viewed myself as "tempermental", which is still fairly accurate.

John Ratey, M.D., the author of "Driven to Distraction" has a book out called "A User's Guide to the Brain", which I am reading, and which seems to cover a great deal of the current (around 2001 or so, since book published in 2002) information about how the brain and various related nervous systems and endocrine systems work.

I would guess as a layperson, that you are adapted and well trained to provide that measured response at your work. This may be due to higher amount of involvement by the Pre-Frontal Cortex (so called frontal lobe), which, I would think is in higher gear for most of us during work.

I know I am able to completely detach myself during musical performances. I play often professionally in front of all sizes of crowds. Although I do get nervous, particularly during the time leading up to particularly challenging situations (like when a small group with myself singing tenor sang the National Anthem at Dodger Stadium) the key is that something is overriding the fear and is keeping me focused and on track, and not inappropriately emotional.

Anyway, I hope this helps

Chris Tune

[Eileen]

I feel like I could have written your message word for word. Everything in my life is so intense all the time. I just had huge arguments with both my ex-husband and my new boyfriend on this SAME topic. Neither could understand the intensity with which I throw myself into things and how difficult it is for me to break that attention.

My emotions are either riding very high or dragging very low. The slightest happiness is cause for great celebration in my mind and any slight or irritation creates an immediate sadness.

Regarding filters, that made me laugh. People tell me all the time I have no filters at ALL. I usually blurt out whatever comes to mind. Other times people have referred to me as the one person either brave or stupid enough to point out the elephant in a room; when people are uncomfortable or something is wrong, I am ALWAYS the one to get right to the point when everyone else wants to ignore it. Either I miss social cues or I'm impatient or lack filters or all of those things. But I do know it annoys people.

I just want to learn to get some control over all this emotional imbalance. I take medication but it's just not enough. I used to drink, and I drank for many years. That form of self-medication, while not good for me in any way, was what I used to keep my ADHD symptoms under control, although I didn't really understand that was what I was doing at the time. Now that I don't drink anymore (it's been 4 years) I find myself struggling to find ways to manage all this intensity. There HAS to be another way....

[Michelle MacGregor]

I think part of the management is to embrace the parts of the intensity that are good - the small celebrations. I read this book - Healing ADD: The Breakthrough Program That Allows You to See and Heal the Six Types of ADD that indicated that some types of ADD can be helped with both stimulants and antidepressants, they may control the lability or moodiness and intensity of ADHD.

Also, there is newer information that seems to indicate that stimulants do not just act on dopamine, but act on seratonin - so antidepressants are helpful as well. One study is from 1999, so I am not sure why it doesn't seem to be common knowledge, but it would explain why antidepressants help?

Here is a link - http://www.hhmi.org/news/caron2.html

[DANA]

Hi Michelle!

Yes, I agree! I think that antidepressants do help with some negative emotions, such as anxiety and depression. It may not be a "cure all", but it sure helps by improving the attitude and outlook on life!

[Teri the MOM]

Hi Dana:
I experience much of what you experience. At work, I was always able to function and relate to others in a calm, pleasant manner.....but, at home is a different story.

I do believe there is a strong connection between emotion and ADHD. I have always been told I over react, and I have always been told I'm highly emotional. For many years, I thought it was just who I was, but over the years I started to believe there was a connection between this and ADHD.

While I think for me there is a connection, I don't think everyone has the same concerns. I think people like us are wired this way and the ADHD just makes it worse. I really don't know for sure...but It is my opinion this is the case.

I think we are able to control ourselves in situations where we MUST control ourselves or be viewed in a less than good way. At home and with friends, we are able to be who we really are because of the comfort level of these relationships. Without realizing it, I think we gear ourselves to do what ever it takes to function outside our own personal world......

[Miss K]

It is definitely an ongoing thing for me, addressing my intense emotions. I learned inititally, before my ADHD diagnosis, that managing my blood sugar and keeping it level could really help me with that. I am hypoglycemic and now that I eat a much more "low glycemic index" diet, and eat regularly, my emotional roller coaster is much less wild, although I am still intensely reactive sometimes.

One of the reasons I went to explore ADHD diagnosis though, was because even after addressing that, I still had highs and lows in my reactions to things that were intense. I refer to it as my "reactivity". Since childhood actually I have worked to use various techniques to minimize my reactivity and to try to use logic to intervene when I am having one of these moments. It's a helpful but not perfect process, but I've made a lot of improvement. Basically when I was a kid I went to a psychologist who helped me to see that I could choose my reaction. They helped me to think about how when you feel like you're going to express an emotion, you can think about what it's telling you to do and decide if you want to do that "thing" or not. She also taught me that sometimes when that doesn't work...you can always just walk away for a little while when you feel like a big emotion is welling up. She didn't teach me that emotions were bad...just that it's important to be aware of them...and put space between them and your decision-making when you can. I also had a funny book that my mom gave me...two of them actually, about learning to manage your temper...one was Mr. Grumpy, about a very grumpy man, and the other was "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day". In each of these books my mother, humorously, crossed out the word "bad" in front of temper every time the phrase "bad temper" was used, and replaced it with "BIG". HAHAHA...

I have read that this is a way to distinguish between ADHD and bipolar disorder...with bipolar, according to what I read, people have intense emotions, but those emotions are not necessarily a reaction to something, they are reflective to whatever end of a cycle the person is in right then...they are in a depressive phase so everything seems crappy, or in a manic phase so everything seems great. ADHD, according to what I read, is more about momentary reactivity to actual situations. You can be in a totally fine mood and then something happens that is genuinely a bit annoying but you have a BIG reaction to it...a little while later (maybe after you ruminate on it a bit) you might feel fine again...but in that moment you are very reactive to the situation at hand. So it's not that necessarily that we are incorrect in reacting, just in the size/intensity of the reaction perhaps...I wish I could remember where I was reading about that...I read a lot of regular magazines and stuff about ADHD but I am in grad school so I have access to a lot of academic journals and scientific studies too and I wish I could remember so I could refer you to it...grrrr! (insert BIG ANNOYED REACTION HERE, lol)

[Miss K]

OH...I also know what you mean about being less reactive with non-family and more reactive with friends and family...I attribute it to me having a smaller than necessary amount of patience so the energy I do have, I spend on outsiders, and by the time ya get home at the end of the day...you're a little worn out in the "coping" department.

It's also possible to take family and friends for granted, but I am NOT saying that this is what YOU are doing Dana (or anyone else)...I just know that when I realized I was doing it, I realized that if I was indeed blowing my whole emotional coping wad at work, maybe I needed to figure out how to work to balance my life a little more so that I would have more of my energy to spend on the people at home. This is a constant struggle for me but a worthwhile one...takes practice but I think they're noticing the difference and appreciate me trying :)

[Miss K]

Oh gosh, sorry to be all post happy, I just keep thinking of other things...

About reactivity with family...this was one of the most stressful things in our family life when I was a child. I would bet money that BOTH of my parents are diagnosable with ADHD too. My father literally describes himself as being "compelled" to do humorous, wild things, and my mother...among other things is a time-management train wreck. She was a very good mother in many ways, but in this regard it would have been nice if she had been more self-aware about her behavior...oh I don't mean with the time management specifically. I mean that her time management was very poor and then she would blame the rest of us for it, flying into screaming rages about how we were the reason she was always late for work, and she was going to get fired because of us...this was nearly every morning...because she wouldn't go to bed, then couldn't get up in the morning, then had too many thing to do, and couldn't get them all done, and then...me and my sister got the blame for it. I'm not saying we were the speediest kids in the world in the morning...but we were the kids and she was the grown up. And her rage was scary and the blame was unnecessary. This also always made us late for school, and we rarely had breakfast before we got there, which only made staying on track until lunchtime that much harder.

Because of this experience, I have made it a priority to try to really stop myself before blaming other people for my shortcomings (and there are many, lol) and holding them hostage with my reactions, even if that means having to step away for a little bit, and come back...it means I take the time to sit down with people and talk the situation through with them, in the instances when I do have to admit that I've gone over the top.

[Jacquelyn Hedden]

Dana,

Your experience and the replies shared by many people on this topic also fit me to a T.

I actually started and maintained a HUGE fight with my boyfriend, basically ruining a night and part of the next day on this past weekend's holiday vacation, over something I now see was incredibly small. (He is NOT always right, but I was definitely overly sensitive and WAY off kilter on this one!) Am currently reading a book on ADD and relationships. From that, I think that with my family and romantic partners I may over-react due to my need for stimulation. it seems to me that when things are going well, I often start something based on my overreactions to small things.

I have been "sensitive" my entire life. My mother tells me that even as a young child I picked up on OTHER PEOPLE's emotions and would go and comfort them.

Being overly sensitive and taking things EXTREMELY personally has taken a toll on my social, familial, academic, and professional lives and is something I've just started looking into. Perhaps most importantly, it's taken a toll on my relationship with myself due to the failed relationships mentioned above.

It does seem to me that this could be tied to AD/HD due to having been criticized in the past for our ADD behaviors, for being impulaive (afterall,the manner in which we eperience our thoughts/feelings is as impulsive as the rest of our impulsivbe behaviors), and our need for stimulation. I may unconsciously allow myself to become extremely upset because it provides stimulation, even though said stimulation causes me great pain.

[designergrl]

Well first time to reply to anything here, so I didn't know if I should go to the END or reply here.

well Oh my, we Are a happy group of people aren't we ??LOL...I just went thru the day from hell on Sunday all by myself..every second crawled by, then poured out my fears etc, blubbered to my recovery sponsor that night.She says"you are in major anxiety." Duh, Ya think ?;)

She is familiar with ADD,and knows I was first daignosed less than 2 months ago.Over reacting ?Not moi! My lover does not call me in 48 hours and my logical side of my brain tells me there is NO reason for her Not to have.Especially since we just had a fab time together on Friday.I was so hyper focused on her that no matter what I did: breathing exercises, walking, eating,writing, calling people (noone was home), praying...nothing would stop or halt the spiral towards that brick wall.

So this week I will discuss med increase(I am on Straterra 60 mg)...I guess I have hit a plateau as I Had been doing fine.But sheesh!If I had been observing another acting as I did, out of sheer Mercy(and I had a shot gun) I would've put (me) outa my misery.9Bad joke I know and I don't mean suicide, but poor baby(me)....not fun!

Monday was pretty ok, then early this morning I grabbed onto an issue on my head(trying to determine between the validity of self-care, being treated with respect...and life just happening beyond our control)...so I merely said "I am angry.i don't want to be,and I can see the other side" to my gf on the phone. She acknowledged my feelings while calmly telling me to dial it back a notch...then we were able to talk.And I was no longer mad.

lol...now I am not sure ANy of this had Anything to do with this topic, but I am New to here And to Understanding my Self and ADD.

Tina, I would have (after oh 20 minutes), gone to the door and said "honey,I'll just bet you two are having a great time talking about fishing and all but it's getting kinda late and I need to put something yummy in my tummy before I blow up your car."...and smile really sweetly.

I am aslo exploring the idea of getting an aide part/part time to help me in my daily doings and business, getting me out of the house and conquer my socail phobia when it occurs.I know it's not good for me to isolate so I flat out need someone to kick me outa the house !

great ideas and insights, glad to be here.

Brandy

[papa]

My wife also over reacts to any critisizm or suggestion i might make and i wonder how are we supposed to discuss or solve any problems when we cant get past the 'reaction' ? we cannot have a cival conversation because the issue becomes the 'reaction' not the problem at hand ! the original problem gets ignored leaving so many unresolved issues . no matter how i have tried to approach this we cannot seem to resolve anything important ! if i choose to solve things without involving her i am accused of not asking or involving her , if i try to discuss it i am to critical when it is clearly something she has done. there seems to be no way to resolve anything without the backlash . the defensiveness and the overreaction overshadow the real issue to where it is extremely difficult to accomplish anything important . how do i need to approach this without having it always be a battle?

[Michelle MacGregor]

papa, my husband and I have similar issues, but I try to remember the original love...and approach things with compassion and empathyy first and blame later...

Saying that doesn't help though. I want to say that if you can, you need to seek therapy and make a point to discuss things with your therapist and write things down otherwise. It sounds ludicrous, but if you can find a counselor that either has ADD herself (wife might be more receptive to a woman, my husband certainly is), or specializes in ADD then you will be ahead of the game because you will know that he or she understands the issues that come up in ADHD. Defensiveness is almost built in at this point because of the blame and judgment that we all suffer from, especially if it has been largely undiagnosed.

Remember that the defensiveness is just that, it is just a defense mechanism. That is all. The core of that defensiveness is a lot of pain that has probably never been validated....and for me the lack of validation for pain that is so intensely felt is really super difficult and painful....so you loved her enough at one point to marry her....you know....I try to remember that with my husband when I am overreacting and he is overracting....the goal is a partnership and support and if you can find empathy and compassion for the pain that shows itself as defensiveness and validate and nurture and help to heal that pain, you can help your wife and your relationship! Good luck...and find help if you can....