Relationships, Social Interactions, and just doing the human thing

[Weslee]

OK, I dont know if anyone experiences this but it seems like almost everyone know has had at least one friend for life. I have never had a friend for life....I dont really seem to understand people and people dont understand me. Iam often labeled as anti-social (not the Iam gonna beat you up kind of anti-social). Is this an ADD thing too?

[mcl]

I have two best friends I consider life-long friends: 1 I've known since I was 2 and the other since 12. Although I am fortunate to have them as friends, I would say remaining friends was difficult, probably more for them than me. I'm pretty confident I was fun to my friend I have known most of my life but also incredibly annoying and tactless at times. College was difficult because like most of us, keeping in touch was difficult, so rather than writing letters like most people I ran up my mother's calling card because I had to talk when I wanted to, but I'll save that for the impulsivity chain.

Life was easier with my jr high friend because we shared so many commonalities. I think our friendship worked because she didn't always have to be around big groups of people, and she understood how I liked to do things on my own. I wasn't a good friend in college because I was horrible keeping in touch, but she never stopped communicating with me. She always thought my negative behavior was a result of being a spoiled only child and often encouraged me to stop being so hard on myself and trying to be a perfectionist.

I thank both of them daily for not excluding me from their lives. As much as my ADHD tendencies drove them nuts (still does); my impulsive, idealistic, creative side also pulled us together because I love trying new things. I'm glad they could see it when I could not and they worked on our frienship when I didn't know how.

Now what's weird is my sister and I experience the "anti-social" behavior you mention with each other and we don't live in the same town.

[tere]

I have been pondering this same experience in my own life. I truly have no friends but my husband and my mom (whom I call every day of my life from 3000 miles away). I have had many very intense friendships that start out with me feeling like I have found a "soul mate" and a "kindred spirit" and I am filled with excitement and hope and eagerness that this time the friendship will be "the one" (this is as stressful as dating, by the way). Invariably, this story ends the same every time. I am unable to maintain the initial level of interest, I become distracted and unfocused on the person, I then feel guilty for dropping the ball, and I back off because I feel so guilty and ashamed for being such a loser. Because my ADD compels me to jump into things without thinking or planning, I have often initiated friendships without considering whether I really have the time, energy, and attention to devote to this person since just managing my own home and family life is daunting enough. In the last five years, I have finally learned from my mistakes and just decided not to even jump into this cycle. When I meet someone I like and start to feel that old "rush" and wanting to say, "let's have coffee" or "let's do lunch", I just bite my tongue and let it go. I know I am a bad friend and I am just not going to go there anymore. It sounds lonely and sad, but it is actually a relief in many ways and I am not at all unhappy to not be failing at this anymore. I have many people I casually socialize with at church and through my husband's former work, and that works well for me. I have people I can invite for dinner or go camping for a weekend with, but no one I really confide in or am emotionally close to. I look forward to possibly having a good friend later in life when I am not so busy with my own ADHD kids and spouse and the pressures of making a living and running a household. Since I don't multitask well AT ALL friendships have been the one thing I just didn't make the effort to keep up with when everything else got crazy. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a jerk, because I am actually friendly, warm, and fun even if I am not very good at the follow-up that a solid, intimate friendship requires.

[Véronique St-Martin]

I always had difficulties with relationships. I never really felt connected to the others, I don't know why. The others also didn't want of me, they pushed me away from them... It's really hurtful and frustrating because I don't know why. I try so hard to fit in the society and the groups but... it doesn't work.

When I was in primary school, I made few friends but the majority were laughing at me... It was the same when I was in high school... So, I stopped to want to fit in the groups... I always was lonely because I didn't meet nobody who really understood me and wanted to be with me... I rapidly lost interest in conversations, that I found superficials... I was also special, different from others because I had any interest in clothes, parties, etc. but I loved very much reading and making researches and talking about spiritual subjects... So, I began to write, to sing and to express me with art, wich made me feel better about myself and in life, in general...

[DANA]

I have left a previous comment, but I did not actually write about my own situation with socialization and relationships. As a child and a teenager, I made friends very easy. However, I never felt that I "fit in". The truth is that I wanted to be liked and accepted by others. I have had many friends come and go in my life. Sometimes I try to figure out why they all come and go, but do not permanently stay in my life?

It is very humbling to take a good, hard look at myself and analyze why relationships have not worked out or lasted. I think that in all honesty, I have never intended to hurt anyones feelings or cause any negative feelings, but I still have to question if I accidentally caused friends to discontinue the relationship over something I said or did unintentionally? For instance, I talk a lot and maybe it irritated someone? I have a bad habit of interrupting others and perhaps it ticked off someone? I have a difficult time BALANCING my life so there may have been plenty of time in which I totally lost contact with friends, due to getting hyperfocused on one particular area of my life, such as working or parenting. Trust me, with three ADD/ADHD kids, it is easy for me to get distracted!!!

One of the toughest situations for me is that my husband is so quiet and anti-social. He typically does not like socializing, going over people's houses or getting together with other couples. I am much more outgoing and social, but my husband is the opposite. Although, I feel the need to have friends and to socialize, my husband does not want to. This drastic difference has caused me to spend much less time with my friends or to even pursue new friendships.

Oddly, I have just reconnected with a high school girlfriend who I used to be very close. We have gotten together a few times and I have really enjoyed it! I do not know what will come of our renewed friendship, but I would like to see it continue.

[Devin Mackey]

No lifelong friends here. I tend to have 1or 2 close friends, but those come and go. I wonder if it is an adhd thing.

[DANA]

Yes, I do think it is an ADHD thing. Most of us on ADDer World have so much of the same issues and it can not all be "pure coincidence."

Has anyone heard that saying about friends who come and go in our lives for a special purpose? The saying states that some friends are only temporary, while other friends may be in our lives for a specific purpose.

[Michelle MacGregor]

Dana, I think that a lot of having issues with maintaining friendships definitely has to do with being able to follow up with committments or initiate contact or activities.

Also, Dana, my husband, I am pretty sure has ADD inattentive type and he is so antisocial because he has had such self esteem issues as a result. People love him and think he is smart, funny and artistic, but he gets bored easily and has a low frustration tolerance and as a result going to parties with my friends is difficult because if he doesnt' like a partner or the people at the party then he is just miserable and miserable company and he always wants to leave early.

So the two have resulted in no friendships for me....I have no life long friends because I moved from the town I grew up in and did not have a good friend I kept in touch with from that time. I had lost all high school friends as I completely decompensated in college without support and structure. So all high school friends moved on while I spun and then i moved to Portland and knew no one. So I have friends I made here, but they are not childhood or life long friends.

[Cookie]

I have a friend that I've known for 40+ yrs, the problem is that she lives in the midwest and I live in the southwest. We've seen each other a handful of times since I moved 30ish years ago. Even if its been awhile since we've communicated we start back up where we left off. I have family in the community she lives in, so its easy to stay connected even if we're too busy to talk for months. I think what someone else said is true, that its overwhelming to try to deal with life with ADD and trying to reconnect with a friend sometimes. You get all the anxiety stuff going on in your head that you think they don't want to hear from you, but of course that's not true. They're happy to hear from you and want to spend time with you. I've also had friends that are only there for a short amount of time.

Having found out about the ADD recently and starting a new job this year, I've felt its harder to make connections with co-workers outside of work. I think maybe its a byproduct of medication and counseling since I'm trying to figure how to turn around the negative self talk and anxiety in my head to learn how to cope in the non-ADD world. I have lots of friends, but there's actually on a couple of women that I confide in and we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. Which is why I guess I feel a void in my life now.

[Emily]

I think it might be, at least partially. I find that pretty much everyone I know thinks I'm pretty great, but I don't have a lot of close friends that I've known for a long time. I also, oddly, find that the people that I do have long friendships with also have ADD or ADD tendencies. In fact, my best friend from grade school was diagnosed about the same time I was (when we were 21), and she and I don't talk often, (maybe every 6 months or so), but when we do get together, it's like we were never apart.

I'm really glad I found this website, because I don't have any friends where I live now that are crazy like me, and it is really lonely, sometimes. I don't think it's anti-social so much as you need to have a few people in your life who really understand what it's like to be you. I think if you had some ADD friends, you would find that it's a nice break from trying to focus socially so much and you'd be a lot more comfortable in your own skin. Do you have access to any support groups or anything? If not, hit me up, I'll talk it out with you, haha. ;P

[designergrl]

ok Ladies and gents, let's do this:A lot of us have acknowledged that we suck at friendships.One of the things we hope to Connect with people we just get to know is having mutual interests.Ok, well here is One.We suck at friendships! ( I heard this in a movie; Embrace your Suck-i-ness!)

How about if we(yes WE) put out a general Outcall for Life long friendships like "ISO of lifelong friendships.Unusual, quirky,never boring(puhlease!),loyal to a fault etc..all the usuals.I don't require much...acknowledgement that I am here and noticed (email me and tell me , even if late, that you have been thoughtful of me this week)...and I am a happy camper.I will tell you upfront that I will probably forget a lot of things, one being to email you Back on a regular basis......BUT THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! ISO of someone(s) to send me Good Vibes mentally,wish me the best in my daily endeavors, and to Know that you are Treasured even if we only touch base once every month or so.You will be an Important part of my circle of Lifelong friends...by the virtue of your simple Desire to be one.This Really not a complicated thing(altho' it seems to be).Once acknowledged as my Lifelong friend, all that is required of you are good Thoughts for me and prayers..and Know that I most Assurredly will do the same for you.Know this!My ADHD keeps me forever distracted and forgetful and probably always will.It makes keeping friendships hard. But I figured that if I put out this generic call and let one know I have no expectations...and love happy suprises...anything Over that will be Treasured.If this makes Any Kind of sense to you, come join this Unusaul and very Inclusive Circle of Special Life Long friendships.!

Ok, that was rather winded and wordy, but you get the gist,I think.

[Jessica]

I feel sorry for the three friend outside of work I do have. For ever 5 phone calls, emails, text messages etc they send me, I may respond to one. I intend to, I care about them, but one thing leads to another and a couple week go bye. One of my "close" friends (th kind I can call after not talking to for a year or more texted me every morning for two weeks things like "good morning, I hope your day is as wonderful as you are" until I called her back. Before that she emailed me every other week. I intended to call her everyday but never got around to it. Then didn't because I fet guilty for not calling her.When I finally did, I felt good and realized what a great friendship I was missing out on. Come to think of it, I need to give her a call.

[DANA]

I think that this one friend of yours is an absolute GEM! Yes, definitely pick up the phone and call her to let her know what a terrific friend she is!