re-Question for Non-ADD'er's: How do you see 'us' and what did it take for you to believe ADHD?

[Jan Klos]

How do I explain this lifelong pattern that has controlled my impulsivity, bad financial management and poor choices for marriage partners to non-ADDer's?
Clarify Question: How do non-ADD'ers really see us with ADD? How long did it take and more importantly WHAT did it take for you to 'believe' the diagnosis was real? How do I talk to NEWBIES about it in a way that doesnt turn them off or make them roll their eyes?

I live in Atlanta, my family lives in Michigan. I want to try to explain to my parents (in their 80's) why my life has been like this, without making me sound like a total incompetent loser. I know they love me, but I'm pretty sure they think I brought all this on myself... they are disappointed in me, feel mislead, possibly used as enablers. Depression runs in our family, and I was always seen as one of the 'well' ones, and 'almost' successful many times-always landing on my feet. Having ADD is not seen as a legitimate 'diagnosis' requiring compassion, treatment and support. Plus, I don't ACT like i need it. Why 'all of a sudden' NOW?

I need to ask for financial help (again) to get on my feet for REAL this time, but have not ever talked with family members about this until recently when a sister came down and stayed with me, witnessed first hand how out of control my life is-but also saw how a few key changes could turn it around.

I am a 53 year old single self-employed mom with ADD, with 2 teenage sons with ADD. I have been 'maintaining' over the years, but not 'living'. Recently changing that--mysister helped me with natural remedies, including diet and exercise with gradually increasing successful results! Feels like I am clearing the cobwebs, 'coming out', joining Life again-a great feeling! But also very frustrating, feeling like Rip van Winkle waking up and seeing what a mess his life had become while he was asleep/dazed for so long...

At the same time, realized that I need help to get and stay on track. I can see light down the road for the first time in YEARS. I am trying to make progress (baby steps) in many areas that have been in a holding pattern of various stages of shambles-finances, relationships, home, parenting, work, health & lifestyle, disorganization. Every other time I would try to 'fix' one of these areas, it would end up so hard to do or I couldn't maintain it, so would just give up, sink lower, get down on myself until next time I picked myself to try again... with the same results, because I was never really getting to the CORE of my issues which were:

The areas I am trying to 'fix' are the very areas that my ADD prevents me from being able to do by myself. I need to let others know this and ask for their help in a way they can understand. I am not incompetent-I am incapable. There is a huge difference. Once I get on a track in each of these areas, it will run itself, if set up correctly.

I know this can be done. I have extensively researched and scoured the internet, bookstores, resources for answers and know they are out there, found a lot of great ones. How to pull them together is the problem-and it doesn't necessarily cost a ton of money.

But I DO feel like I need a break from the panic and anxiety of finances to figure this out for long term results, to keep on this roll, not slide back. How long, how much? they will ask-totally legitimate questions. How does an ADD'er EVER answer questions like that? "As long as it takes, as much as it takes" is not an acceptable answer, especially if you are asking to borrow money or support. But that is the only answer I have for now....

I know this is alot, and there are gaps in here that if you;ve read this far, you may be asking yourself... but I feel like my future lies on how I present this, AND my abilities to provide for my boys' future. I DON'T think like they do, never have. My boys will almost NEVER ACT like they're 'supposed' too and they are GREAT.

I have a couple of links to videos online that I can send, talking about ADD and its affects, both by medical/mental health experts and interviews with 'real' live adults with ADD that I totally related to.

I'm not asking for help on how to milk my elderly parents for money-I HAVE the money, it is tied up in so many complex (to ME anyway) legal and accounting systems I just can;t GET to it without help.

Anyone found anything I can send to my aging but sharp parents to help them understand that I am NOT taking them for a ride, a strategy of approach so I don;t say too much or too little...???

What works what doesn't? Suggestions, please!

[DANA]

Have you discussed with your parents that you have been evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD? Are your parents aware of the symptoms and frustrations of individuals struggling with ADHD? Are they aware that your son's have been diagnosed with ADHD?

From this post, I am wondering if you are receiving any professional counseling for depression, anxiety and to try to manage ADHD? Having the support of a professional therapist or a caring friend would probably be extremely helpful for you.

I sympathize with your situation and understand how overwhelming life can feel with ADHD. I relate to many challenges you have mentioned and I honestly do not know if there is one simple answer as far as the financial issues. Perhaps, complete honesty about your finances will be the best way to explain the complicated situation with your parents?

Another idea is to look for ways to earn extra income, such as selling gently used household items, clothes, books or jewelry? A great way to force yourself to get organized is to literally go through all of your stuff to decide on what needs to stay, what needs pitched and what could be sold for cash. I have sold many boxes of used books to a book store that purchases used books. Altogether, I earned an extra $50, which in this struggling economy every penny counts!

Another thought that you may consider is checking into a food bank so you could decrease the amount of money spent on food. Many local churches have food banks, free clothing and ministries to reach out and help single moms.

What a terrific sister you have who has helped you with natural remedies, exercise and diet! I am interested in which natural remedies that you have been trying and how you have changed your diet? I do think that the foods and beverages that we ingest do have a huge impact on our overall physical and emotional wellness.

You mentioned, "Having ADD is not seen as a legitimate 'diagnosis' requiring compassion, treatment and support. " I am not sure why you feel this way, but I personally believe that ADHD is a legitimate diagnosis that does deserve compassion, treatment and support. Ignorance is not bliss. There is medical research and scientific proof that ADHD is successfully managed with a wide variety of options for treatment. An ADDer may not need support or compassion to manage his or her ADHD, but it would be much more positive and beneficial for the individual to find some form of support and compassion even if it means joining an ADHD support group.

The beauty of having ADHD is that you can choose whatever treatment that you want, whether it be traditional medicine, holistic remedies, therapy, joining an ADHD support group, journaling, educating yourself or hiring an ADHD coach. If one method of treatment discontinues to work or you experience negative side effects, you have the choice to move on to another form of treatment.

My suggestion is to discuss your concerns with your parents and respect whatever decision they make, regardless of whether they do or do not understand the true scope of your struggles with ADHD. Best wishes!

[Jan Klos]

Dana,
Thank you so much for replying and sharing your thoughts. I guess I didnt phrase my question well, and that is a huge part of my problem! I am seeking insight into the NON-ADD mind, to try and uncover what barriers exist between us, in trying to reach a common ground to discuss long/short term solutions.

The Ideal would be to develop some sort of Template that can be adapted, depending on who I am talking to and their level of understanding. Almost like a script that is short but powerful, carefully worded, that hits on what works for people in the early stages of 'exposing' their ADHD and those just learning about it from someone they care about-gives them just enough to go on, to validate and support.

I need to learn what are the key points that help or block non-ADD people from 'hearing' about ADHD, stick to that and move from there.

Any thoughts to add to this?

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

I think part of presenting ADD to any person that is non-ADD is always a challenge! But, you have to be careful who your audience is and how passionate you may be about the subject. I think in general there has been a lot of progess made for people to accept ADD as a diagnosis, but there is still a long way to go in that people might think it is over used as a DSM.

I tend to either talk about it up front or leave literature in convienent places for the non believers to "find". Good luck in it, but you should determine how important it is for your parents to understand you, you may be chasing something that will not happen. Older folks tend towards thinking good old smack or iron discipline will straiten people like us out (not trying to offend anyone older here,, just and observation from my personnal history).

Good luck in this.

[blah]

Regarding the general problem of how to tell, or maybe not even tell at all:

I am quite new to this subject, and therefore quite experienced in "telling or not telling" non-ADD-ers (or PAN-ers as I love to call them). When I realized I "have" AD(H)D about half a year ago I was very excited and wanted to tell everyone I know. I did, and with mixed results, ranging from "there is nothing wrong with your head, it's just like mine" (my dad), to "ah, right. so how's work going?". I experienced there are a lot of people that do not want to know, don't know how to respond if you just bluntly tell them "I have ADHD", to people that deny the existence of ADHD. On the other hand, there are those who are at least curious, and those are the ones that will ask questions. And then of course you have the people that listen with more then expected interest, ask for clearification here and there and conclude with the remark: "ah, but that's how MY mind works too!".

Right now I try not to yell out "I have ADHD" (emphasis on "try"), but if there is a proper situation I just tell people: "my mind doesn't work like the average mind". If people are interested, they will ask questions. I will just describe them how my mind works, and if I get the feeling they are open to it I will call it ADHD, if not I will not mention the label.

I experience in this way I get the best reactions, and I prevent people from being scared instantly by using the label ADHD. Most people are more willing to listen this way. Also, you avoid putting the picture of the typical raging 10 years old boy in their head, before they have heard my story (which is off course totally different from that of a 10 yr old boy).

I'd like to know too how others handle this issue.

Recently I met a new potential lover, one which I'd like to keep. The first time I met him I couldn't resist blurting out "I have ADHD", to which he responded: "ah, but that's not a bad thing, is it?". Most of the time it's not, I told him. The other day we spoke about work and projects, and I told him I am an amazing initiator but I almost never finish projects. I also explained to him there are jobs (creative business) I'd never ever want to do, even if I'd make lots of money doing them. I explained to him I have to keep an interest in projects in order to finish them, and I am just not able to do them at all once I lost interest. His response: "ah, but that's just a matter of willpower!". Instead of punching him in the face I was able to just tell him: "No. No it's not", and kept smiling.

The willpower thing... How do you explain THAT to other people? (Right now I think "I WISH it was!" could be a proper response, but I guess that won't work...)

[Jan Klos]

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you do something VERY nice for yourself today...And thanks for taking the time to respond. You have hit on several MORE issues that I am facing-personal (intimate) relationships.

I have made some pretty impulsive decisions THERE that resulted in long-term issues and feel like I have finally dealt with that after 8 years. My parents think I avoid relationships and in the past that has been true, concerned that my radar was still off-attracting the Exciting/Thrill-seeker type who would sweep me off my feet, eventually realizing I REALLY just got dropped on my ass once again.

I don't feel that way as much NOW, but having a hard time finding the right guy who is a BALANCE of that, doesnt bore me to tears, and I wouldnt drive HIM completely bananas. So I figured, if I can get THEM to understand, (the 'Rents) that is a first step to talking about ADHD appropriately.

Otherwise, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and just say like what YOU said-'My head just doesn't work that way...here is what I need."

I'm amazed that even when I say that, it gets totally ignored, but I have learned to be more patient, and again, like you, keep smiling (it beats ripping their face off and having to apologize later-a real time-saver! See, we CAN manage our time...). Have a great day!

[Gary]

Explaining ADD to some muggles is always a big challenge because we have to figure out why they don't want to believe. Much of the time it's their issues not ours.

Some people don't believe in anything they haven't experienced themselves (or about which they are in denial). I know a guy who loudly declared that PTSD doesn't exist because he was in the war and he never had any of these problems so people should just quit complaining and suck it up.

Some people want to be different -- just like everyone else. In university a lot of us proclaimed that we were weird or crazy but oddly enough we all had the same belief system. We were just different from "them." People who are honestly different freak such people out.

Some people don't want to be different. In particular, any suggestion that their child may be abnormal sends them into a frenzy of denial. The funny thing is that parents also want their children to be exceptional. How a child can be exceptional but completely normal is one of those mysteries.

Some people still believe that "mental illness" is just a politically correct term for "moral turpitude." We see the same thing with the "have your tried not being gay?" argument. If a member of the family has a problem they don't talk about it because they are terribly ashamed that something like that is happening in their family. As an added bonus, they may feel responsible and guilty because if a family member has something like this then maybe they inherited it.

Some people don't believe in ADD because they have it! A friend of ours is almost like one of those fanatical religious types in her belief that ADD isn't real. We strongly suspect that this is because her husband has a lot of ADD symptoms and if ADD were real then it would mean that she married someone who has a problem and what does that say about HER??!!

The biggest problem is that people tend to look for the simplest and most reasonable explanation for things. If you walk with a limp then most people wouldn't think that you have a brain tumour -- you must have hurt your leg. If you daydream in school then you must be undisciplined or lazy -- the child doesn't appear sick so what do you mean she has a brain condition?? If you don't do the "smart" thing because a thousand things are going through your mind and you simply forgot then you must be stupid -- everybody has distractions so why should you be different?

None of this means that your parents WON'T understand. I'm just giving you some of the misunderstandings I've run into and hoping that they help you to understand why your parents might not understand at first. If you understand what I mean :)

As well as the video links you might try asking some of the posters on this site if you can send some of what they've written to your parents.

[Jan Klos]

Thanks Gary-

My family has been through a lot and I think you are right on-they don;t want to think I am another one of the SICK ones, I am just too competent (guess who they lean on in a crisis, and we have'em! And boy am I good at handling them-the mark of a ADHD'er! or so I am told...)

I feel like I HAVE to be able to explain this to THEM-if THEY don;t get it, they will live the rest of their lives (remember they are in their 80's, could be tomorrow...) with misinformation about who I am and how my life history makes sense. I am the middle child of a large family and the somewhat black sheep-turned her- turned failure-turned oh she's up on her feet again-turned Why Does She Live Like This and Why Doesnt She Get a REGULAR Job and Just settle down with a NORMAL guy like the rest? Everyone predicted I would either be a HUGE success or end up in prison...no in-between. Fortunately, I LANDED in between...whew, had a few close ones.

No one really ages in my family, physically or mentally-none of us LOOK our age, or act it (part of our collective charm). The downside is, the parents (in denial of being old) deny that we 'kids' are actually grown-ups now. They still live in the house I was raised in, and everything there is still exactly the same-if a chair gets old, they don;t get a new one, they recover it with the same fabric! It's like being in a time warp, but cool when I take my boys there ("See, that;s the window where Mom climbed out at night after being sent to her room...no, YOU don't do it!") If I can get THEM to 'get it', ANYONE should be easier!

The bottom line is that the term ADHD is a misnomer and I am searching for a better way to explain it with out ever using the term and conjuring up preconceived biases and images. With all my research and exploration, I have been personally validated enough with sites like this to stand tall and fight, not curl up in a fetal position when my own brain tries to take over. I am searching for ways to trick my own brain into doing MY will, and that's a lot of work to stay one step ahead of an 'entity' that is pretty darn sharp and usually knows what I am doing, thus can sabotage even the best laid plans.

I am getting better at that, but still searching for the magic 'keys' (so far, exercise is Numero Uno, and nutrition a close 2nd) to reducing the symptoms altogether. I told my sister that if there was a drug that I could take that would eliminate the symptoms completely but had horrible side effects, I would swallow it so fast without reading the 10 page warning pamphlet that she wouldnt even see the top come off the bottle. In those Sane moments, I would tolerate the side-effects and come up with a REAL strategy that would work for me, and minimize the medication to a manageable point or eliminate it and get on with Life. Aahh, my fantasy world...

Meanwhile, Just trying to take this a step at a time, learn how to talk and listen to the 'other side', so we can live in harmony, without having to have this discussion, over and over and over again... By the time I am done, I think I will have a marketable 'Script' that can be adapted to who ever one is talking to-" (Fill in blank___boss, child, relative, friend, spouse, partner, lawyer, officer___, let me explain/show you something that will help us get done what we both want to accomplish...")

Thanks for your thoughts-what videos do you recommend? I found a great on on another site that I was thinking of sending: Public Television: The Health and Wellness Series- Healthy Body, Healthy Mind.com http://www.itvisus.com/programs/hbhm/index.asp Ended up meeting with the woman interviewed, very enlightening!

Jan

[DANA]

For the question, what did it take for you to believe ADHD? For me, it was first by reading the book by Sari Solden called Females with Attention Deficit Disorder. It was like reading about myself!

Second, it was after many years of knowing that I was diagnosed with ADHD, yet, I refused to deal with it and I did not have good luck with medication so I was trying to manage all on my own.

Looking back on this one event, it actually could be hysterical, but at the time, it was completely devastating to me and it was my WAKE UP CALL to deal with my ADHD. What happened was that I was on my way to work, driving down the street when I decided to open up my new package of photographs that I just picked up from having them developed.

I was so excited to check out the new photographs that I didn't give much thought to the risk of driving and looking at pictures at the same time. Perhaps, the first problem is that I did not think and the second problem is that I used poor judgment, while driving?

So there I am driving to work in my new shiny car, listening to my favorite CD, enjoying my new photographs and smiling to myself as I became quite absorbed in looking at all the pictures. When suddenly, BANG!

Opps! Someone put on their brakes quickly and my car smacked right into the other cars rear end! My car was close to being totaled and we had to beg mercy on the car inspector to allow our car to be fixed. In the meanwhile, our car was only 6 months old and now I just messed it up quite badly!

Unfortunately, this is what it took for me to WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE! It was a brutal and painful wakeup call. I cried for weeks on end, went into a serious depression and I eventually went for counseling to address the ADHD. Eventually, I learned from my mistake and I started educating myself about how to manage my ADHD symptoms better. Due to this accident, I had to face the truth that I have ADHD, I am impulsive, I am distracted, I do not always think before I talk, I am great at putting my foot in my mouth and I am forever humbled by this humiliating experience.

[Gary]

You're welcome! I also find that exercise (karate, aikido, parkour, ballroom dancing, running) helps and I feel much better now that my diet has a lot fewer carbs. Ritalin and I are also BFF :)

What convinced me that I have ADD was reading the symptoms in the DSM-IV-TR. Perhaps you could get your parents to agree that you exhibit the symptoms and then show them what the list they've agreed to means. That gets around the "I have ADD. Now let me convince you of that" argument by replacing it with "do you agree that I have the following symptoms? Then you can see here that this means that I have ADD."

Best of luck!

I don't know of any videos off hand other than the ones on this site. I know it makes me an alien these days but I tend to be a reader rather than a watcher.

[Jan Klos]

Progress is happening-working on my 2 minute ADD elevator speech, will post when I have a draft that looks promising. My parents seem to understand why it is so important to me that I get to explain myself my way at my pace (after I repeated that several times... CALMLY). re-signed up for counseling at local mental health place-free, weekly-good routine every monday morning to start the week. Had been working with counselor there since last fall but stopped, now I am more focussed on what to work on. Her brother has ADHD.

All of you have helped me more than you know...THANK YOU. Jan

[Miss K]

Yay to resigning up at mental health center! Sometimes those tricky therapists come up with ideas that we never would have thought of ourselves, and it's soooo helpful.

I think a lot of non-Adders (or undiagnosed Adders like your dad, lol, and mine) just don't really understand what Adhd is so they *think* they are talking about Adhd when they rely on stereotypes, or say it doesn't exist. I think the idea of a 2-minute Adhd elevator speech is great. For later, after you've formed a bond with someone, maybe it would help to keep some of your favorite articles or books (or pieces of books) on hand so you can offer to educate your loved ones in small doses...small, medically trained and published doses :) That's what I do with my sweetie, and with my mom...when I find a tidbit that's really good, I send them along with a "you might find this interesting". They always make my boyfriend laugh and he'll say things like "oh my gosh, that sounds just like you!". Of course, he wasn't hard to convert...but even my supportive sweetie didn't totally know what ADHD meant so it helps having the literature around so I can give it to him in chunks when he's interested.

I understand what you mean about being too "competent"...because people don't really know what ADHD is, people are always surprised when I tell them about my diagnosis..."YOU don't have ADHD!?"...but they don't know what's going on in my head, or in the parts of my life that I work to hide from other people because they are more out of control. They seriously need to update the diagnostic definition...I mean yes, in some ways I do fit it or I wouldn't have ended up with a diagnosis, but there's so much more to it...