When our families can't adjust...

[Miss K]

I am actually having a very painful post-diagnosis experience with my family, and I want to share it because I bet other people might run into this as well. So in the name of "being only as sick as your secrets" here's one of mine as an offering to continued health...

I should preface this by saying that I love my family very much, and actually get along well with most of them, most of the time, despite some pretty severe quirks in our family dynamics. For your best understanding of what I'm about to write below, here are some of the challenging realities and dynamics in my immediate and extended family on both sides. Among us we have many undiagnosed ADHDers (and one other diagnosed besides me, and only in the last year). Tons of other mental health issues including drug and alcohol addictions, serious depression and anxiety, likely bipolar disorders, some possible personality disorder issues and a fairly recent suicide...and all that this can entail. Yes...all of this exists in my family all at once. Yes...it's quite something. Let's all give a cheer for genes!

I have been actively working on my personal set of issues since early college...seeing therapists on and off, and just this year actually receiving a diagnosis of ADHD and a general anxiety disorder. I am regularly seeing a therapist, and my medication situation seems to be working out really well. The medications that I take are making my body and mind very calm, which is something I have never felt before in my whole life, and I love it. I still have my creativity and spark and energy, but without the compulsions that constant anxiety will torture a person with. I am more able to sit through really boring meetings, and more importantly I seem to be more able to not make impulsive decisions that I regret later. My life is transforming in positive ways that I never felt possible, and I love that my ability to be accountable to my surroundings has increased greatly.

Now that I am feeling calm, and good, and am making terrific progress with my therapist, and am feeling really good about myself, my parents are having an interesting reaction. My mother has been trying to tell me for weeks that there is "something wrong" with me...but can't tell me what that thing is. I haven't argued with her about it, I just ask her questions to try to clarify what it is she's trying to say...she never has an answer, and just gets agitated...at which point I thank her and tell her that I hear her concern, but assure her that I actually feel really good. Tonight she said to me "oh I HEAR you, but I'm telling you, I don't LIKE it, there is something WRONG with you". This is after she's been discussing me (no I'm not imagining it, but it would be way too long and weird of a story to explain how I know this) with other family members...who all keep expressing their "concern" about me. For several weeks now, according my immediate and possibly some extended family, I have no valid feelings. This has always been an issue between my mother and I, this is just the first time in my life that I literally have had a small but influential chunk of my family jumping on the bandwagon.

When I was a child, my mother would not allow me to have any feelings that she did not agree with (and would make jokes about being "domineering". Again, a long explanation to clarify this...but anyone with parents who have poor emotional boundaries will know exactly what I am talking about. I am old enough to be able to see that her own issues with likely ADHD and other likely mental health issues (she takes medication for depression, for one) made her feel very out of control and this was one way that she could feel control. Doesn't make it okay...also doesn't help me to wallow over it...just giving a fuller picture for explanation's sake. And my father...she's the emotional mouthpiece for both of them. He won't directly communicate with me about his real feelings...he attributes them to her and tells me by telling me that this is what she thinks. I guess I'm not the only one who isn't allowed to have feelings that aren't on the "preapproved" list.

Clearly, this could (and has, for my entire life) produce some extremely painful moments between us. Again, to those who also have parents with poor emotional boundaries, you will totally get what I'm saying when I say that there have been moments where it was more than clear to me that my own mother would rather eat me alive than lose the upper hand...even when I'm not even fighting her for it. Even at times when I'm actually the person trying to help her with a given task or situation. So...very painful...now made more painful by the at least partial validation of a few other family members.

To be clear...I have actually taken their concerns into consideration. I don't doubt that there is a trace of genuine concern there. And it is important not to let pride get in the way when people are giving you feedback, so I have carefully considered this. But I'm serious, and my mental health team totally backs me up on this: for the first time in my life, I feel really good. I am not plagued by constant mood swings, and I am able to consider my decisions more carefully, and my concentration is better and I don't have a sickening anxiety living in my body 24 hours a day. I am frustrated and sometimes afraid of my own family right now...because while I understand it all logically, my heart can't understand why my own family doesn't support my best interests and improved health.

Any opinions I express or decisions that I make are responded to with "there is something wrong with your medication"...they cannot be seen as valid or real on their own. My recent breakup with my boyfriend...due to what was becoming a re-enactment of some of the worst trademarks of marriages in our family...was apparently all a product of my alleged mental instability, according to my mother. Well actually, according to my mother, through my father, which adds a whole other layer of wtf. (For contrast, you should know that...I work as a professional, and am very involved in and accountable in my community, despite the challenges I have faced this year.) Even the now ex-boyfriend reacted to that with a "WHAT?!".

The logical part of my mind understands, as my therapist and I have discussed, that my health and quest for wellness are invaders to the family "system" and are being treated as such by my family because they don't know how else to react. The fact that I am dealing with my own mental health issues honestly, and head on, is contrary to the choices of generations of my family. And the breakup...unfortunately...is a silent comment on the marriages around me. I would not, and HAVE not said as much, because it's not my place...but my dear Aunt said to me the other day "honey...men are just like that". To which I had to restrain myself from responding with "they are in this family". If settling for a passive-aggressive and miserable addict is what I have to look forward to...I'd rather be single. My ex was NOT to that extreme yet...but the signs were there...

I respect their right to make bad decisions, and I do NOT harp on them about it...but then I am expected to seriously entertain their concerns when they essentially ask me to do the equivalent to shooting heroin with them. They essentially are saying "there's something wrong with you because you don't want to do something that will kill you with us"...I do not actively question their choices...and I even respond respectfully when they ask about mine...but they get to accuse me of being mentally sick, for making quantifiably healthier choices for myself?

I know there is no way for me to "make" my family accept me in my new form.

It just hurts my heart so much...to have to be on the receiving end of this. And to have to even acknowledge any of these sort of miserable facts of our family's history and structure. I want the image back that I used to have of my parents as healthy caregivers...even if it was never true. But I won't sell my soul to make that happen. This experience would be catastrophic for me right now...if the reality of the situation wasn't so clear.

This issue is very ripe for me today however, because earlier this evening I talked to my mother. The essential content is pretty much covered above...but the manner in which we found ourselves talking was pretty awful. I used to, when I was horribly anxious, call my mother several times a day...which I am embarrassed to admit. That's not to say that I don't like talking to her, and don't ever want to talk to her...just that since I started taking meds, I don't feel anxious, and I don't have to hang on every detail of every minute of the day...in other words, I'm no longer sweating the small stuff and it's allowed me to just live my day, instead of microanalyzing it with my mother. Even though I knew that these phone calls were probably just feeding a dynamic I shouldn't have been feeding, I didn't have another way of processing this anxiety. So now, without the phonecalls...she's probably legitimately missing me...but also missing a link to feeling that she is "in control" in our relationship. (Another amen to my friends with emotionally polluted parents!). I see her all the time...and she has not been able to express that she misses me...or any other feelings that she might be having that could be perfectly understandable under the circumstances...it's always "there's something WRONG with you, get your medication checked". I try to respond neutrally "I know it can be hard adjusting when someone in your life is going through a lot of changes", which is met always with that whole me being "WRONG" thing. The other day she came in to my work with some mail for me and I could smell her weird vibe a mile away but...she only discussed the mail and left. She looked like she didn't expect that my bosses would be there and when she saw them, she left and I felt like I'd dodged a bullet and didn't know why (interesting to note that when I get mail at my parents house it usually goes completely unnoticed amid the huge, neglected piles of untended to mail...but somehow THIS little handful had been noticed, scooped up, and micromanaged all the way to my workplace...hmmm...).

So she called my father, not realizing I had his phone...and then told me she was calling him to ask about me. I said cheerfully "oh, did you try my phone?". I knew the answer but asked anyway, to make a point. No, she did not. I reassured her that she can call me any time. She'd seriously called my dad...to talk about me...then told me she was doing just that...then we had the "mom, I'm glad to talk to you, I feel really good"/"there's something WRONG with you and I don't LIKE it" exchange.

And now. There's not really an action step to be taken here. I just have to accept that my emotional connection to my parents is totally measured, at least unconsciously by them...by how much control they have over my emotions. I know this is abuse, I'm not pussyfooting around that. It is and it always has been.

I just wish that it wasn't true. And I really, truly just wanted to share this because...if anyone else out there is having to deal with something like this, while trying to proactively deal with their ADHD issues...just know that you're not alone. That you can't fix it. That all you can do is plod along with your mental health team and practice responding neutrally...and that while you're doing it, and the whole scenario is hurting your heart, know that you're not alone. Don't let it eat away at your confidence...and don't let it make you afraid of other people. It's hard to find the balance, and I'm struggling to learn that myself...but it's there...keeping searching, it's there.

[Miss K]

Sorry...novel...but if one person reads this and is able to hold onto their own sanity amidst this kind of shitstorm...it's worth it.

[DANA]

Miss K,

I read the whole story and I could relate to many issues that you mentioned. Trust me, dysfunctional families is how I was raised. I definitely understand the negative challenges within your family dynamics in which you have been coping with.

The one thing that really stood out to me the most was when you said, "The fact that I am dealing with my own mental health issues honestly, and head on, is contrary to the choices of generations of my family.'

This spoke volumes to me. I have recently been attempting to unravel childhood experiences that truly explain so much about myself emotionally right NOW. Of course, my mother and older sisters do NOT want me to discuss anything from our past. (God forbid, we wouldn't want to blame anyone for my present challenges with anger and depression, but that is a whole other saga.)

After reading your post, I can honestly share what I think. Keep in mind that I have experienced similar challenges with my family, but one difference is that my parents were divorced from the time I was two years old. Therefore, my mother raised me & four older sisters by herself, while my wealthy father ran off with his young mistress to marry her. Sadly, my father was mostly absent my entire life and my mother had way too many boyfriends for me to keep track of. (I think you get the picture...)

Between me and you, this sudden shift in your well-being has totally thrown your family off balance and has taken them by surprise. The girl they once knew is no longer the same and this is very disturbing to your family.

Now that you are feeling much better, taking medication, seeking therapy, getting life in order and running much smoother, you are able to function independently. This very fact is most likely upsetting your family, especially your mother, due to the new boundary that you have established.

In my opinion, your mother is not able to accept you with these new boundaries because it would mean that she has to "let go" of you and discontinue controlling you. Unfortunately, your mother will not consider your positive well-being beneficial because in her mind and in her eyes, you are no longer obeying her commands, following her directions or allowing her to take complete control.

Therefore, your mother is intimidated by all of the changes taking place in your life, she feels threatened and she responds by acting as if your medicine is messed up when truly YOU ARE JUST FINE! The point is that your mother and other family members may unconsciously NOT want you to be fine. Perhaps, it could be deep rooted, but your family resents that you are getting well enough to become more independent.

Do you think that your family fears that you do not need them the way you used to need them and depend on them? I doubt that they would confess to feeling this way, but I most certainly understand that this new shift in the family has them terribly upset. Instead of your family members acknowledging that they should be happy that you are feeling much better, they choose to believe that something is WRONG with you when there isn't. Does this make sense?

I know that in my own family with my mom & four older sisters, they can not stand that I THINK for myself, that I seek the truth, that I work towards healing old emotional pain and that I admit to real problems that have occurred within our family. My mother and sisters have made it perfectly clear that they do not want me to analyze past events, to discuss how each member in the family played a part in the past event or mention how this has caused me some serious anger issues.

Just a few months ago, I started working on an extremely traumatic experience from my childhood. After my therapist and I began working on the unresolved issues, I wanted to gain more knowledge about what happened to me in my childhood so I inquired with my family about it. Unbelievably, my mother DENIED everything, my two sister's DENIED knowing anything and only one sister came forward to confess that I was correct in what I remembered.

By my bringing up this negative past event, which was very traumatic for me as a child, my mother and my one sister literally spoke to me harshly, twisted the truth, became downright defensive and said that I was losing my mind! The inappropriate way that they responded to me and behaved was very hurtful to me. Yet, it spoke volumes to me!

The bottom line is that many dysfunctional families are emotionally unhealthy and they live a lie of family secrets buried to never be discovered. When and if anyone in the family discovers the truth about a family secret, the family typically verbally attack the innocent family member. Hostility, verbal abuse, false accusations and negative behaviors surface in an attempt for the family to gain control. They do NOT want family secrets brought out into the open. They will go to great lengths to
cause much animosity within a family to simply protect that family secret.

The amazing truth to this sickening situation is that I have begun researching the psychology of abuse. The books that I am reading are so very helpful in making it clear that what I remember from my childhood is TRUE, not imaginary. Thankfully, I have one sister who admits to the truth, who shared very much information with me and has given me more insight about my childhood.

If we take a good look at our families, it is apparent that CONTROL is a serious issue. By chance, do you happen to be the youngest child in your family? I am the youngest of 5 girls in my family. My mother and my one older sister who I am very challenged with are both major control freaks. There are times in which I can no longer stand it. Usually, I will stand firmly on what I think or I will distance myself from them to maintain peace.

No doubt, it is very difficult to live this way and to continually have to deal with challenging family members who are so determined to have their own way, regardless of how unhealthy and dysfunctional it may be. It is times like right now, which I truly think that I should move far away from my family because that is the best method of living in peace.

Miss K, the one thing that I disagree with is when you stated, "There's not really an action step to be taken here. I just have to accept that my emotional connection to my parents is totally measured, at least unconsciously by them...by how much control they have over my emotions."

The action that could be considered is to stand firm in not permitting your mother or relatives to control you, your thoughts, your actions & your moods. It is never too late to set new boundaries, to establish new rules, to make necessary changes for the better that will be much healthier and stable.

Miss K, we are both adults and regardless of our past, regardless of ADHD or any other challenge, it is time that we move forward to lead a happier, healthier, more productive and satisfying life. My goal is to forge ahead, heal from past pain and become whole. I pray that you can do the same. Best wishes!

[Michelle MacGregor]

Miss K, you have worked so hard to get to where you are right now. That work alone deserves congratulations and applause. Pat yourself on the back and know that regardless of what anyone else does, you will live a happier, more pleasant and fulfilling life, and even if they cannot understand or express it this is what your parents would ultimately want if they truly could understand what it meant for you to have this freedom!

I think the one thing that I would seek to give you and what I think will help you, not in the day to day, but in the emotions of the relationships is that in their own illnesses and dysfunction they cannot possibly understand or see what mental health looks like. I think withouth each of your family going on their own individual journies to mental health, they will not be able nor capable of understanding what this strange, new and beautiful creature is that they see now versus the familiar, neurotic, sick and poorly functioning person that they are used to seeing.

My guess is that like in most cases, mental illness and brain-based illnesses begat genetic offspring and affective disorders in order to compensate...they hardly had a choice either. Think about how many people tell us now that we are lazy or just do not try hard enough and how our society uses guilt and shame in order to regulate behavior that is biologically based - and then imagine having an entirely "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" and electric shock therapy as a part of your world view of mental illness or any sort of disorder that was not accompanied by a rash or cough.....and try to not have a fucked up world view...

The truth is that your view of your parents is right - that they are dysfunctional and their lack of emotional boundaries and emotional awareness and intelligence is incredibly painful, AND they were loving caregivers as is evidenced by their continued presence in your life - and they were probably as healthy as they could be - as healthy as say someone who was born with only one leg and told that they have two and they just need to try harder to keep up and to not be lazy could be. They had little chance to be mentally healthy,,,but you do have a chance...and maybe, just maybe you can be a beacon of hope and light to just one other person in your family....

The way to deal with this in your heart is to understand that this in not an intentional slight, but the face of dysfunction. If they were functional, this wouldn't be an issue....

All of that said, I am so sorry and it is so, so painful to experience this kind of dischord and dissonance in your family - and I am so sorry to hear that you have split with your ex, but good for you for taking care of yourself and your needs.

I also want you to know that I say all of these things coming from a family that has experienced two suicides, one possible murder, one attempted murder of parents, the same member was institutionalized with meth induced psychosis because he self-medicated ADHD...a grandmother who drove her five children to the edge of a cliff with her five children in the car and sat there for five hours contemplating driving off of the cliff, same one stayed in bed for weeks on end crying, drug and alcohol addiction coming out of the wahoo, incest, rape, bankruptcy, divorce, hidden children....abandonment...you know the usual messy disgusting soup that makes up humanity....not one of them with the exception of myself and one cousin has sought treatment for ANYTHING...not even a 12 step program....my family is seriously fucked up...and I struggle and I love them and in the end I walk away and mostly have tried to create my own, more healthy world.

I think that you can do this without necessarily jetisoning the entire family, but maybe you can limit interractions or put it very plainly what you will and will not endure when it comes to comments on your "medication" and "wrongness" of your new personality. It is so hard...I have never been able to do this with my family - my mom is dead so I have never been able to figure out any of this with her, but I think it would have looked a lot like your relationship - my mother could not stand to see me think I was smarter or more successful than her, yet she loved me...I know she did, just through the super distorted lense of her own dysfunction and that is what I have to live with in my heart because I cannot put on her glasses and I cannot give her mine and she is gone...

Take care of yourself as you are and go forward with love and in the end protect your heart. If you ever want to chat, just let me know! I am on here whenever someone posts...or you can send me an email on here and I will give you my addy.

[Miss K]

Michelle...thank you for taking the time to respond...and articulate so well the contradictions in a situation like this. My parents ARE very caring in some ways...and they are also emotionally sort of stunted. i truly feel sad for them sometimes...I know they have both experienced their own sad occurrences, relationships, and mental health issues...and usually without support...so...I guess I'm grateful for the gift I'm giving myself right now even if it puts me at odds with them. It's truly a "there but for the grace of god and my own self-determination go I" scenario....

You also articulate nicely the fact that...indeed, I don't think they know any other way to be. Maybe over time there will, as you suggest, be ways for our relationships to evolve...and as long as I am respectful of the boundaries that I need to maintain with them, perhaps our relationships can even improve. That would be great...I won't bank on it of course, because that might be at least partially unrealistic, but I would be open to that happening :)

I like the metaphor of the glasses... :) Perfect!

[Miss K]

Dana, thank you so much for sharing YOUR experience. It sounds like you are doing a great job of staying strong for yourself and keeping your eyes on your goals of health and well-being.

I have some family members too who "don't remember" stuff or deny certain things. It really is challenging to trust yourself when others insist that what you know is true is not. I struggle with that but...I know what I know.

I think you are right...mum is struggling with me "not needing" her. I think that I am going to try to think of new ways to express my caring for her, ways that are healthier for both of us. Even if she is not satisfied with that, I will feel better know that I least tried to genuinely express caring to her in a new way.

I also agree with you that I really need to continue to define the healthy boundaries that I need to have with my family. I guess the only way to do that...is by doing! Through trial and error. And I guess it's good to do that with them instead of dragging my quest for resolution of these family issues into adult relationships, which is so easy to do...

As for birth order, interestingly I am the oldest. However, in childhood, I was the obedient one, and my sister "the bad one" who was always questioning the family system. We seem to have switched...after a lifetime of defying the family order, my sister sort of got beaten down. Me, I left home, went to college, then came back, looked at my family and went "OH MY GOD! Something is seriously wrong here!". Having that distance made me able to see it finally...at first, I made the honest mistake of thinking that if I pointed it out, my family would see the light and agree with me...yikes, not so. So...I'm a later bloomer in the family troublemaker game :) I know that what I'm doing for myself is the right thing for me...so I guess I just need to (as you are too Dana) just trust that and keep going with it.

Thank you again ;)

[Cathie]

Sorry you're going through this, my family didn't react this way to my ADHD....but they did after I moved away and got involved with some great folks at a church I was going to. These folks did weird and wacky things, like address actions that hurt them, and spoke the truth to each other without anger. :-)

I'll never forget, I was living about a 14 hour drive away....and didn't have a car. So, I didn't get home to visit much. It was the first Christmas I had been home in 3-4 years. My siblings, my Dad and I were going to all meet for Christmas Eve, and then Christmas Day was going to be spent with various inlaws and such. Well, the night before Christmas Eve, my brother calls (I was at my Dad's house already) and explained that my sister-in-law wanted to spend both Christmas Even & Christmas with her family (not unusual--she had some big issues of her own). I just calmly stated that his decision to not come for Christmas Eve really hut me. My brother's response?? He hung up on me (my family doesn't actually speak the truth about important things). So, my Dad was sitting next to me, and it was obvious that my call ended abrubtly and so asked me what happened. I explained that I told my brother the truth. My Dad's response is classic for my family....."You can't just go around telling people the truth!!!" I can smile about it now, but at the time I felt pretty attacked.

The point of this long-winded yarn is, everyone's got a role in the family and every family has their "rules." When you change your role, or don't follow the established "rules"....it throws everyone off. The only solution I found was time; just to live through it. Just to continue to do what you know to be right. For me that was to continue to speak the truth in loving and calm ways. It took time, but my family did adjust....in fact, they now come to me to help mediate conflicts (something I have to be careful of....the last thing I want is to be in the middle).

So, hang in there......what I kept in mind was the fact that I can't change them.....heck, I could just barely change me :-) So, I just kept focusing on what I could do something about.....it's a process....they'll likely adjust in time.

[Miss K]

Cathie, I am just DYING reading your quote from your father about how "You can't just go around telling people the truth!!!". That is SO funny and such a perfect encapsulation of family dysfunction, haha.

One time last year my mother had been ranting for DAYS about my cousin and how dare she this, and blahblahblah, all these things she was riled up about about my cousin (who, while as imperfect as the rest of us, is one of my BIGGEST supporters in the family)...I finally looked at her and calmly said "mom, I hate to see you so upset about this, have you called Anne to just tell her how you feel, I think she would appreciate hearing how you are feeling (Anne is like a big sister to me and I KNOW she would have been a compassionate ear for my mother's concerns, even though they were wacked). She stammered several times "why...well...uh..." and finally laughed, smiled, and said "your cousin and I haven't had an honest relationship for nearly 40 years, there's NO WAY I'm starting NOW"...

Bwahahaha...at least she had a sense of humor. I guess it's that many time...humor...that gets us all through...my family has a kick ass collective sense of humor.

[Miss K]

PS...got a chance to talk to my cousin today...she always "gets" where I'm coming from and she took the time to reassure me (although I didn't ask) that she's proud of me and where I'm headed...and that yes, other family members are shackled by their own dysfunction and taking it out on me right now...and that I don't need to feel afraid or alone in this process. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So nice to hear....ESPECIALLY because she goes through the SAME thing at various times with the same family members, lol.....