When the poo hits the fan.

[Tigger]

I know, I know. I haven't been around since forever, despite the fact that ADDer World is firmly pasted in my Bookmark Bar and I get updates every week. Let me try to explain.

It all started when my Mother died unexpectedly last August. By that time, I had already attended several other funerals as one parent or another of my friends started dying. I knew fine well that I was at risk for losing a parent. I just didn't realize the enormity of that loss until I had to confront it. My partner's father was recovering from a heart attack when my sister called to tell me that Mom was in the hospital. Intensive Care to be precise. At that point though, no one imagined that she wasn't going to come home.

As the news got more and more grim, my sister and I went back and forth over wether or not I should come home. I live in the Midwest, my family in California. In the end, we were afraid that if I DID suddenly show up it could easily upset Mom who wasn't exactly strong at that point. A couple of days before she died, my sister ended with "do what you think is right. Whatever that is, I will support you." My partner and I discussed it at length and fixed on a day to leave for CA. Two days later, I got the call.

Writing this, even at this very high level has tears threatening. It has been over a year and I still miss her more than I can begin to say. And this is after a whole lot of healing work.

My Dad has accelerated his slide into Alzheimer's. He can remember the past but has absolutely no knowledge of the present. In many ways, I think it is a defense mechanism. He and my mother were teenage sweethearts and had celebrated their 58th wedding anniversary a month before she died. In the world he lives in, she is still there.

So I hear you wondering why a whole year passed before I stuck my head in here again. I could say I've been busy and that would be true. But the driver was my partner's diagnosis of terminal lung cancer in August.

I read Bryan's post on good-byes and realized that the one that he didn't touch on was the good-bye that happens even though neither person in the relationship is ready to let go. I've had a whole bunch of those in the last year and am now in the role of caregiver to someone that I committed to "forever" with. Forever hasn't been nearly long enough if you ask me.

At this point, they are telling us that the chemo has been successful (it hasn't killed him and the tumors have shrunk) but they also have cautioned us that we can't expect more than a year. The ultimate good news/bad news. My ADHD demands that they give me solid information and not blow sunshine up my tail and so far, the oncologist and pulmonologist are respecting that. I don't like what I hear but I would rather know than hear someone tell me once again that I should "think positively! There are people who live a very long time with this diagnosis." Yeah. 16%. When it is caught early- Stage one or two. We caught my partner's at Stage four. There IS no Stage five.

I have drawn quite a lot of criticism in fact because every time I hear the positive thinking idiots coming, I run. I have very clearly told them that I am not buying what they are selling and would really prefer to be left alone. They all tell me that I am not myself and MUST be depressed, clinically so, and should see someone who can prescribe something. Whatever. I'm not feeling it.

It HAS occurred to me that ADHDers must "do" this all differently somehow. Me? I know what cemetery I want him buried at, found a suitable funeral home that can manage cremation, started going through photographs for the memorial service and started the conversations with Hospice for when we get to that point. We have revisited his will to insure that it is still appropriate to his wishes, and gotten his health care directive notarized and filed with everyone who needs a copy. Powers of Attorney have been drawn up and I have lists of what should go to whom. I even have a file of the music he wants played. Given all this, you would think that his demise is imminent. Nope. I just feel a pressure to have it all organized in advance.

What I have been told is that I am being pessimistic and my pessimism could be deadly for him. Yeesh! From my perspective, I am simply honoring the fact that I don't handle surprises well and am trying to shield myself from the unpleasant ones.

Didn't mean to hit y'all with a wall of text but would be interested in knowing if I am really off my rocker on this. If you care to share, I would love to know how you cope with loss. What I keep getting told is that I'm doing it wrong. Anyone know how to do it right?

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Hi Tigger,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is never easy and if there were a perfect way to cope, well, I haven't heard of it. Yes, there are suggestions, there are ways people have found that have worked for them, but in reality each person needs their certain amount of time and ways to cope, sometimes talking about it helps a lot, with a friend or with a therapist, or maybe writing about it as you have here. I do know what you mean about getting ready, seems to me you are planning for the worst and hoping for the best, perhaps that is a coping skill to keep from doing nothing and doing nothing would drive you crazy. I tend to think that we ADDers have been on the down side of events so often that we pretty much come to expect them and in effect try to protect ourselves from them.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish you the absolute best.

About the Goodbye post, that's true what you mentioned - I think the article close to what you are looking for is the one I wrote called: Lost Friends and Lost Lovers and Life Thereafter

[Tigger]

Thank you, Bryan for that link. That is a beautiful post.

I had not considered your statement, "I tend to think that we ADDers have been on the down side of events so often that we pretty much come to expect them and in effect try to protect ourselves from them." but can immediately see the truth in it. I have generally been able to keep from ruminating on a subject but find that none of the coping mechanisms work on this one. I feel pressed to prepare as much as I possibly can so that when the day comes, I am as ready for it as I can possibly be. I KNOW that the chemo will only do so much and that there is an unmistakeable end to this.

I have gotten a bit gun shy about talking to people directly. There is a strange expectation that I will never have a down day, will always be positive and cheerful and strong. I often feel like I have stumbled into the Twilight Zone (think Rod Serling). Why wouldn't I feel pain and angst? I have a front row seat to the demise of the man I love. I get to live with HIS pain at coming face to face with his mortality. Wouldn't it be "normal" to feel sadness?

I realized after posting last night that I have been carrying all this around and NEEDED to do SOMETHING. Writing- and especially to people who are like me- seemed to be a good alternative. I am reminded again of how grateful I am for this place and all the people here.

[Miss K]

There's nothing wrong with feeling whatever it is that you are feeling. Pretending we don't have the feelings that we have simply doesn't work. Can't go around it, gotta go through it...if not now, it will follow you and bite you in the ass later.

BUT...I agree with you that dumping on your partner would be way wrong. I would suggest finding another dumping ground :) Having your own dumping ground may be the thing that keeps YOU sane! Why lookie here, here's one dumping ground, this website! See if there is anyone else in your life that can be your go-to person for those times when you really need to vent some pessimism or whatever else it is that you need to vent.

I am not in the same boat you are in, but I do have a dear friend that I'm really angry at right now. I don't feel I should express everything to her right now but I DO feel like it's okay for me to feel that way...so I found a different person to tell about how I was feeling. Just typing it out helped a lot. I'm sure her response will help even more. And sometime, when she needs it, I'll return the favor...

I am like you in that I like to deal with reality, and I don't like having people blow sunshine up my ass. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's probably just another aspect of that ADHD trait of "needing to see the whole picture" to really understand what's going on.

Hope some of what I've said is helpful, and truly, don't feel like you can't hit this site up with a wall of text, if you can't do it at an ADHD website, where can you?!

[sherry mulberry]

TIggger , I just wanted to say sorry for your loss I just lost someone really close to me . I took care of her for a year and half . And now juist found out yesterday that my grandfather is not going to make it . So I will have to deal with that loss . How I dealt with my first loss I just had to go through the different emotions. There are five different process of loss 1. Denial 2.Anger 3,barganing 4 . Depression this was the worst one for me you just have to make yourself every day and take a shower and get cleaned up . there were days I didn't do that for about three days. So don't feel bad if you don't feel like doing nothing it is your body greiving. 5 Acceptance- OK that's the way it is , but I can change myself. Well I know all that but, Dealing with again yikes not ready for that . And Tigger the husband and the lady that passed on they had every detail taken care of before she even died so it is ok to be organized . It gives them to have their input in it too. We all need to think of what we really want when we die. I know one thing I learned through all this I don't want to be put on no breathing machine. I want to be dnr that means do not resusatate . Because the lady I took care of was that way . and she died on her own when it was time for her to go. My grandfather is on a vitalator and they are having trouble letting him go. And there is nothing we can do . I don't want my family to go through that . I hope this helps you some . But, everyone grieves in their own way . And yes I hated all the you will be ok 's so don't feel bad. take care and god bless
sherry

[Robin]

There is no right or wrong. What is right for you could be totally wrong for me. I also like to be organized in advance. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. I just got married less than a month ago to someone I have been dating for almost 18 years. Unfortunately, his mother is in a home with severe dementia and his father only attented the ceremony because he was too upset over his wife. My mother is in early stages of Alzheimers and my stepfather (who raised me) is just holding on. All of my friends are in the same boat. Some of us have already lost a parent and all of us are just "waiting." Maybe you are being pessimistic or maybe you're just being realistic. That's what I say when someone tells me that I am being pessimistic. This is sometimes a coping mechanism and if this is what you have to do to protect yourself emotionally, then it is the right thing to do.

I don't know if you pray, but now may be a good time to start. I wish you good luck, strength and comfort. I hope a cure or a better treatment will come along in time for your partner.
Robin

[DANA]

Tigger,

I applaud you for taking the initiative to prepare in ADVANCE and to ORGANIZE the necessary details to reassure your partner that you have everything in order. I personally believe that it took much time, motivation, energy, attention to detail and very much courage for you to begin planning for the future.

I am so sorry for the numerous losses and challenges that you have experienced. Loss of a loved one is rated as the #1 reason for stress. It is understandable that you have endured much stress over a one year period and you may have reached a point in which you are trying to manage the multiple losses, emotional pain and changes in your life.

The fact is that no two people experience death or loss the same way. Each individual is unique and we will all respond differently. There is no right or wrong way. Each individual may grieve in whatever way they choose and the grief response may even change through time.

For family or friends to express concern for your, I do believe that it is important and helpful to know that you are not alone. However, family and friends need to be open to the fact that individuals react differently to death and loss. No one should judge you or tell you to change the way you feel, the way you cope or try to prevent you to move forward in dealing with the serious challenges in your life.

The BEST thing your family and friends can provide for you is a good listening ear, a hug, understanding, emotional support, the ability to give you space when it is needed and to allow you to just be yourself. If your family and friends consider your attitude to be pessimistic, that is their own opinion, but it does not necessarily mean that they are correct.

Five years ago, my mother-in-law, Barb, was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and it was in stage 3. It was very upsetting for her as well as the entire family to accept the diagnosis and prognosis, but all of us responded very differently. I wanted to make sure that Barb knew deep in her heart how much me. my husband and my kids loved her.

For me, my way of coping with the possible loss was to make my mother-in-law a beautiful scrapbook filled with personal letters from each of us, sentimental cards, photographs of her when she was a little girl, teenager, young mother and a grandmother as well as many photographs of all of her children, grandchildren and family.

This homemade scrapbook was given to Barb on the last Mother's Day that she celebrated being a mother. I wanted to give her a little piece of each of our hearts, a token of love, all wrapped up in one memorable scrapbook. This was my way to cope with Barb having terminal lung cancer and to reach out to her to show her how much I love her.

Tears are rolling down my face as I type this comment to you. Here it has been five years that my mother-in-law passed away, but it feels like only yesterday that I had to say "goodbye." Although, time may feel as if it is slipping away and life has changed so much since Barb passed away, I still treasure the wonderful memories of her. I still miss her so very, very much.

Once in while, I will open up the Mother's Day scrapbook to allow myself to go down memory lane and to relive those last days of her life. Each time that I open up Barb's scrapbook, I am reminded of the tears in her eyes as she looked through each page and read our personal letters to her, expressing our love for her. This gift may not have been very expensive, may not have been very fancy or luxurious, but I will never forget that this was one gift that demonstrated how much we cared for her, while she was still alive.

The most important suggestion that I could recommend for you right now is to take time to care for yourself. It may sound selfish, but really it is not. Purposely, take quiet time to relax, unwind and recharge your "batteries". By taking time to renew your body, soul and mind, you will actually be better equipped to manage any present stress and challenges in your life.

Consider writing in a journal to work through your feelings and to have a safe place to "vent" or to just write whatever is on your mind. Journaling is an excellent way to heal, to grow as a human being and to gain insight about life experiences.

Another way to cope with loss and stress is through therapy or by joining a support group for family & friends who are in the exact same situation as you. Many hospitals and churches provide support groups for individuals who are grieving. It is a positive resource to help you work through grief, listen to what other's are experiencing, to connect with other's in similar situations and to share what you are going through.

Tigger, I am keeping you & your partner in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated when you have the time.

[Laura Sherman]

What is wrong if being organized is giving you the tiniest feeling of contol? Especially when dealing with a monster like cancer and a loved one. Ive been grieving my father for 5 years... and he is still alive. Thanks to a ruptured brain aneurism the dad i've known and loved most of my life is gone and they told me 5 years ago it could be a month or ten years. About once a year i still go through everthing to make sure all is in order. It gives me a feeling of coping with reality. I wish you the best and i hope the beautiful moments you have left touch your heart forever.