DOES ANYONE HAVE ADHD KIDS THAT HAVE SOCIAL CHALLENGES?

[DANA]

My middle child is 13 years old with inattentive ADD. She has always been more quiet and shy, but in the past three years, it has become more of a concern to me. I have tried to get her to spend more time with friends and to socialize, but she is very uncomfortable with going to places with crowds of people. She only has one good friend and she does not feel comfortable meeting new people or talking to others.

Does anyone else have children or teenagers with this problem? How do parents promote socialization to kids that absolutely do not want to socialize?

[NerdyMommy]

Does it bother her, Dana? It's probably difficult for you to understand, because you're so outgoing and sociable, but she just may not be that type of personality. I've always been the same way, believe it or not LOL... I have to force myself to socialize. It takes me a long time to warm up to where I feel comfortable with people. I hate meeting new people - I tend to be very shy around new people until I find my comfort zone with them. Even then... I prefer being alone to being in a crowd of friends. I am friendly with the guys at work - but for the most part, I don't socialize with them often. I really only have my cousin that I spend time with on a regular basis. That's ok with me though, that's how I like it. I don't need alot of friends or a busy social life to be happy. I'm wondering if your daughter feels the same way.

It's a different story if she's upset by not having alot of friends. If that's the case, then it's probably her self esteem that is holding her back - fear of looking stupid, not fitting in, etc... all the normal teenage issues, but magnified by her ADHD. If it's something she wants to work on, I would start by inviting one or two kids over to your house - inside of her comfort zone, and start small. You also might want to consider that she may have some social anxiety going on - I do, and it's something that I've worked on in therapy - and it's gotten better. Alot of social anxiety stems from the fear of looking stupid, and thinking that people are criticizing you or that they are laughing at you behind your back. Again, it's self esteem that is the main issue there.

So, if she's ok with the way she is, content to be a loner, then really it's you that needs to accept that she's just very different from you. But if it bothers her, and she wants to work on it, then definitely work with therapy, and start small, with easy things, preferably at your house. When she's more comfortable, you can nudge her to going places - again, starting out with places that she's been before. I can't think of anything scarier to me than going to a new place with a bunch of people I don't know... it's truly a nightmare for me.

I hope this helps!

[Lisa G]

Dana,
I will say that my son has many OCD behaviors that are not socially acceptable. This sets him apart socially as well. He doesn't have good eye contact or personal space boundaries. It can all be an issue and will be especially as he gets older. He will do just about anything to make friends, which is very scary for me. Especially as he gets older. I cringe at the thought of what could be involved. So yes, he is socially awkward to say the least. It's a tough road our kids travel. I think in the end they are stronger, better people but it's rough in the mean time.
Lisa

[DANA]

Thank you HappyMommy & Lisa for sharing your own experiences and idea's about socialization. As for my 13 year old daughter, I think that basically, she has a personality more like her father, which is opposite of my personality. I can accept that and agree that she is just a more private person who prefers less social stimulation than myself.

However, my daughter is so anti-social that it concerns me. For instance, her girlfriends will call her and invite to their house, to go swimming, to go to an amusement park, to go to the movies or whatever. My daughter will typically turn down every single invitation. Usually, she refuses to talk on the telephone when her friends call. Due to the fact that my daughter is no longer attending a typical school and is at home 24/7 for cyber schooling, she is hardly ever in social situations, which only causes her to continue this anti-social behavior.

Her therapist has brought up the subject of socialization during counseling sessions and her therapist believes that my daughter is fearful of socialization to the point of having anxiety. The first step her therapist suggested is for my daughter to gain some form of independence by having her own bedroom INSTEAD of sharing a bedroom with her little 10 year old sister. It took about one month to talk both of my daughters into having their own bedroom, but finally they made the big move.

The therapist believes that it will be beneficial for my daughters to learn how to go to sleep by themselves and to maintain their own space in their own bedroom. Jenna seems to enjoy some of her new privacy, time to read a book alone, write letters or decorate her bedroom. My youngest seems to be doing alright, too. However, just the other night, Jenna ended up sleeping in my younger daughters room with her. I didn't want her to, especially because right now my youngest is sick with strep throat and I do not want any one else in the family getting sick.

Do you think that my concern is inappropriate for my 13 year old daughter or do I have a reason to be concerned of her anti-social habits?

[NerdyMommy]

Dana, if her therapist is concerned, then I don't think your concern is inappropriate at all. I do know first-hand how difficult social anxiety can be - it's a beast that will run your life if you let it. Mine got to the point where I wouldn't make phone calls to people I didn't know, and I wouldn't call people I did know if I thought that someone else might answer the phone. I couldn't call and order pizza! (Thank goodness one of the pizza places here lets you order online!)

It's a strange thing too - I can give a presentation to a room full of people. Speech class was my favorite in college, and I was always the first to volunteer. I know now that the difference between giving a prepared presentation on a topic I understand and am comfortable with, and making a phone call to someone I don't know all boils down to confidence. If I know exactly what I'm talking about, and I'm prepared, I'm fine. If there's a chance that I'm going to say the wrong thing, or stumble over an answer, or misunderstand a question... that's where the problem is.

I also have trouble going into a new store, or one that I haven't been in before. Same with restaurants. I'm afraid of not knowing where something is, or going to the wrong line, and I feel like everyone will think I'm stupid.

It sounds to me like your daughter is having social anxiety, rather than being anti-social. There's a big difference there. If she was anti-social, she wouldn't be sleeping in her sister's room. Sounds more like she needs that comfort and reassurance of her comfort zone. You have a really good reason to be concerned, Dana. I'm glad you clarified what you're worried about - and given that her therapist is concerned, I would be too. I'm sure that continuing to work with the therapist, and also, like I said, small nudges. For me, it was little things. Like, one day at work I just said, ok... I'll call and place the lunch order. It was scary, and made me anxious as all get-out... but I did it, and I didn't die from it. The lady on the phone didn't laugh at me or call me stupid. In fact, she was nice. Afterward, I felt good. So the next time that it was time to place an order, and I felt that anxiety creeping up, I reminded myself that I had done this before, and didn't die from it. It helped. It's a slow process though... hang in there, support her as I know you are, and keep showing her your full love and support for her. I don't doubt that you'll be able to guide her through this Dana! You're such a caring and wonderful mom - your children are so very blessed to have you advocating for them, and not just wanting the best for them, but doing whatever you can to make that happen. I really admire you for that Dana. It's gonna be ok...hang in there!

[Nanette]

That must be tough for your daughter. my son is shy and uncomfortable is social situations that he is not familar with, and usually just stands back and watches. He does well though with the youth group from church, because he knows everyone and the youth pastor is working with him. Is there a group or a club that she feels comfortable with, such as a youth group from church? I wish I had some answers for you, but I would get her connected with counseling if she isn't already to help her address her fear of social situations. I would just keep encouraging her and maybe start off with small group settings.

[betsy davenport, phd]

OMG yes. I don't know where to begin. Anxiety, it seems. While shyness, according to research, is not a big factor or early marker for anxiety later on, shyness (get this) is an early marker for AD/HD.

My daughter is now 16 and has not been in school for three years Anxiety went through the roof as she passed though puberty (just past age 12, sheesh) and she was severely compromised socially, having always been a non-initiator but had very good friends since kindergarten. She became unable to go to sleepovrs, answer the phone, talk to people, go in restaurants, etc Stopped riding which was her passion

I could go on and on and would rather not because I have written so much about it and it has been absolutely agonizing for her and for my husband and me.

I made a transforming discovery a year ago, though, which is this: her anxiety and debilitation have much more to do with her physical health than anyting specifically in her brain! Go to CorePsychblog.com where Dr. Chuck Parker has so much useful information about how the brain is actually a body part and how just as it controls so much else, it is also controlled by everything else going on. Like stress.

She has been under so much stress managing school (very smart but slow processing speed so homework took her three times - or more - what it took everybody else and none of her teachers ever got it (and there's another grim book to write). On top of that, or actually beneathall that, she has a couple of whacked out hormonal conditions which can create anxiety and immobilization, too. Her cortisol levels (cortisol is the hormone that is kind of a stress manager) are so low, she has no stress tolerance at all, and no energy. She sleeps around the clock if she has done anyting requiring physical energy the day before. Anyway, I urge you to look into plain old anxiety, but more than that, to have all systems - especially endocrine - checked out. Unfortutely it is hard to find a doctor who is able to use any medical knowledge newer than 20 years old. I mean it.

Go check out Parker's stuff and you may always contact me for a pep talk or anything

I found it very helpful to inquire of my daughter just exactly what she was feeling at certain times, and because there was precedent for that with us, and because she undersood it to be interest and not criticism, she was forthcoming. Mistakes we made have to do with not always being able to believe it was so awful for her, that she really was paralyzed, and for too long we kept trying to get her to do things. I had to remind myself overn over that I had seen, many times with her, that when she can, she does.

My only addition now is to caution you not to let it go without close attention to her experience i her own life, and use that as a guide about what to do, and when.

(My keyboard has been misig one-third of my keystroks so if I missed soe corrections, am sorry.)

[betsy davenport, phd]

One more thing. I know everybody is different, but my daughter has said that her anxiety is irrelevant to both confidence and self esteem. She said, "How could I have come this far if I didn't have good self esteem?" I have to agree with her. And, she said, she is confident. She knows what she can do, has always been able to talk in front of a group, is proud of how hard she works, and it is only this wave of anxiety (which is not all anxiety, we now know) washes over her and she can't do things.

Do you see the difference?

[Anya]

I was like that :)

I would say try helping her seek a small group of acquaintances by testing out a variety of extracurriculars (activities that involve creating something) to see if she finds a match (art class, music class, dance, poetry, drama club). Even now I cannot tolerate a typical 'hang out and chat' scene but have no problem jumping into a group of people enjoying karaoke.