HOW DOES PARENTING EFFECT YOUR MARRIAGE?

[DANA]

Are you married with children? If so, how does parenting effect your marriage? What stage are your children in? (Babies, elementary school, middle school, high school, college or adults?)

My three kids are 10 1/2, 13 1/2 & 17 1/2. At this young age, kids like to remember the half because they like getting older. Have you noticed that the older we get, we do not want to add the half to our age?

My kids are at a stage where there are definite benefits. They are independent enough that I do not have to supervise them 24/7, they can all make something to eat or get something to drink, which makes my life more simpler as a mother, they are old enough to stay home with each other, while my hubby & I go on a date and my kids are old enough to help with chores around the house.

The down side is that my three ADHD kids do NOT want to do chores, do NOT want to make themselves something to eat since they think that I make it so much better and my kids do not want to always follow the rules. Hmmm.....could this just be a phase or is this the permanent attitude of our younger generation?

If I had to pick the one great thing about having kids in this age group, I would say that I love the fact that I can run to the store or go out with my husband and not have to hire a babysitter! It is a terrific stage to be at! My husband and I love that we are having the opportunity to date more. Spending more time together is a good thing for us and we enjoy it!

The downside to my children's age is that they NEVER give my husband and I privacy. No joke! I can not simply hibernate in my bedroom with my husband because usually one of my kids will knock on my door, they will start fighting, they will want me to entertain them, they will expect my husband or I to answer the phone when it is ringing or they have friends over and the music is so loud that I can not even think straight!

I have decided that my husband and I will need to come up with a new plan for intimacy. Since our house is always full of kids, friends and noise, there has to be another way to find "alone" time without any interruptions, disturbances or kids pounding on my door. For our "20th" wedding anniversary this past November, my husband & I literally spent the night at a hotel to be guaranteed 100% PRIVACY! We sent the kids to my sister-in-laws for the night. We normally never have the luxury of having this occur as frequently as we would like, but I must admit that for our anniversary celebration it was a special treat!

I think that there are pro's and con's with every age group of kids, from the early infant stage to the grown up independent stage. Feel free to share the stage that you and your spouse are experiencing. All interesting or funny stories are always welcomed!

[Janet Rothstein]

Hi Dana
I bow to you being successfully in a marriage after three children! Do any of them have ADD/ADHD? It has not been that easy here in my home. We only have one 11yr(and 3mos., since you insist on accurracy)old who has ADHD and of course, ME. It was fine just the two of us....kinda. I was building two careers and working on another when after 8years we decided to try to have a family. Changed everything for everyone. I didn't want to do anythingelse and that was fine but our son was not the average baby or child. woke up crying always needed stimulation. Thought I was doing something wrong and so did my husband. Then as he got older and was physically attacking me, my husband didn't really stop him and I resented him. Awful isn't it? I knew my son didnt really want to behave that way and it took a while to convince my husband he needed help because my son was smart and knew not to hit kids. Besides he was always the biggest sweetest kid his age so he would safely release all that pent up frustration on me.
Finally when he couldn't catch all the instructions, doing the wrong assignments, wasn't able to finish all his work in 1st grade I got him evaluated at a major institution and paid thousands. They said he had an auditory processing disorder. ( remember,in my home it is still thought that I am doing something wrong as a mom. I am inconsistent, I play too much,I am the problem if I am there and if I wasnt there,).
Finally by the end of third grade he got focalin and lexipro. He was able to focus, and he and I went to therapy to heal our relationship. After 8months of previous therapy out of pocket expense w a therapist that my son totally created a whole new boy and world in, I insisted we start off with me there to make sure he didn't tell another tale. He started to answer questions erroniously in the beginning about sports he played, friends he had and things he did that he hadn't. I guess it was habit. I kept him in reality and we are really great now. I love my son and how he is dealing with his ADHD. I want to keep it going. I fear the meds. loose their ability to work at some point so I am very busy investigating neurofeedback, biofeedback, brainmapping, etc. coaching sounds like a very obvious thing to do no matter what. We all need coaching to do life. Most people, ADD or not, could use more of it to deal better in the real world!
Oh, my husband? we are healing also. I am obviously quick to take blame. It comes with having ADD. I have pulled back this year from all the charity events I was running without any joy or real friendships and I am devoting my time to organizing my world,my life. Clearing out the papers, clothes, files, throwing out things, exercising back on the schedule, and taking my creative projects seriously. I promised myself to record my music if only because I wrote it and I want my son to have it. I am forgetting about any other professional dreams that make me anxious. I am keeping a diary of all the things I think to do like a bucket list. I have to make peace with the past and do all I can for now and the future.
Most of all, I will love and guide my son to acquire all the skills and tools he needs to feel good about himself, have great rich life experiences, long term relationships, and accomplishments. We will get strong together!
People need to inspire each other. so thank you for inspiring me.

[DANA]

Hi Janet,

As for my kids who are 11, 14 & 18, the youngest and the oldest have ADHD, while the middle child has only "inattentive" ADD. So that makes 4 total people in my household diagnosed with one form or another of ADD/ADHD. Never a dull moment!

How old was your son when you suspected that something was a bit different from him and other children? For me, by the time my son reached two years old, I knew something was different about him. He was cute as can be, with the most beautiful, biggest brown eyes, but he was practically bouncing off the walls, driving me and everyone else nutty!

All of my nieces and nephews were much calmer and better behaved so I always wondered why my son was so defiant, misbehaved, hyperactive, constantly breaking something or destroying everything he touched, fighting often with kids his own age and literally diving off the school desk!

You mentioned your son physically attacking you. Coincidentally, my son was aggressive and violent at a young age of four. It is difficult to imagine a four year old being violent, but it became extremely out of control after my daughter was born. Sibling rivalry was a constant battle!

My son was upset that I had a baby girl, instead of a boy. He told me that he did not want a little sister. I figured that he would eventually "get over it,", but his behavior only got worse.

The first six months of my daughter's life was a nightmare for me and her! My son started hurting his baby sister whenever I turned my back to cook, clean or was tending to chores. I literally caught him trying to suffocate her with a pillow. From that point onward, I made every attempt to NEVER leave my new baby girl alone with her brother. Trust me, it was not easy and it was very stressful.

I felt completely torn between wanting to love my son and helping him with his challenges, but at the same time protecting my new baby girl and providing her a safe home to live in. The situation with my son become so stressful, frustrating and out of control that I had my son evaluated at a child psychiatric unit in a hospital.

This is when my son was diagnosed with ADHD & OBD. It broke my heart that my son was experiencing numerous problems and I felt deeply sad that life had to turn out like this. The only good that came of this horrid experience is that my son was under observation for about one week in which a psychiatrist and professionals had my son in daily therapy and began stimulant medication to treat the ADHD.

Although, at the time I felt as if my life was crumbling to a million pieces, I somehow stayed sane and managed to cope with the daily complications of stress, anger, sadness, obstacles and challenges that came my way. All I can say is that I am so grateful all of that is BEHIND US!

My son is 18 and he has matured into a fine, respectful, talented, happy young man. He has been getting high honors in school and is doing very well. It is so rewarding to see how far my son has come and how hard he has worked to manage his ADHD and behaviors successfully.

I think that my kids have auditory processing disorder, too. Each child was diagnosed with learning disabilities and two of my kids still have an IEP. Having 3 kids with ADHD & LD is a full-time job! Not to mention, my own ADHD issues, which tends to never go away completely even with medication.

I am glad to hear that you and your son are healing your relationship as well as you and your husband are healing. Parents with one or more kids with ADHD tend to experience more challenges and stress in their marriage relationship. However, I do NOT believe that a marriage problem is the fault of only one individual. It takes two to tango!

Why do you take the blame for the marriage challenges? I suspect that many NON-ADDer's attempt to cast all the difficulty and conflicts on the ADDer spouse, but I clearly do not agree with this situation.

Yes, we may be moms with ADHD, but that does not mean we are complete trouble maker's, failures, totally irresponsible or unable to maintain a relationship. If you take a good look at the whole scenario, I guarantee that both partners made mistakes in the marriage. Nobody is perfect.....No husband, no wife, no marriage, no kids and no family.

I like your idea about having a "bucket list!" It would be exciting to be able to check off some of the things on the list! Very empowering and rewarding to turn a dream into a reality!