My son is subject to bullying,!

[Nanette]

My son Tanner is a 7th grade middle school student, who is very intraverted, but has a very kind and loving spirit. Since about 5th grade or so, he has been a " target" for bullies. there are days when he comes home teary eyed, and it kills me that he is hurting so much. I have contacted the dean of students, and he has talked to the major contributer of the bullying. But this has made things worse and now more kids are very mean to him. I really don't know what to do from here.
Tanner loves sports, and is really good at most sports he tries, he also is in two school band, the jazz band and the middle school band, he is also a straight A student who works very hard for every grade he gets. Tanner has been diagnosis with ADD with anxiety disorder, like me. He has never been in any trouble, but i have given him permission to defend himself, even if it is at school. He just wants to be accepted and at times i think he tries too hard to " fit in". Most of the time Tanner hears " Tanner no-body likes you" but his peers. I just don't know how to make this better for him. Any suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

thanks
Nanette

[NerdyMommy]

Bullying is so very difficult to deal with. My daughter, who is only 7, went through it earlier this year. Our school has a zero tolerance bullying policy, and actually, I really liked the way that the counselor in our school handles it. She notifies all the teachers who come into contact with the bully and the victim, and instructs them to catch the bully in the act - so that the bully has no idea that the victim ever said anything to anyone. It helped with my daughter, though she still occasionally has problems.

I completely understand though, how helpless you feel. I felt the exact same way. I mean, you can tell him to ignore them, and you can tell him to stand up to them... but in the long run, it still hurts, and I don't really know how to make that hurt go away. Is there a school counselor there that you could contact for suggestions as to what you can do to help him deal with it? If it's not going to go away, a counselor might have some ideas of what you can do or say to him to help him handle it...

I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you.... I'm actually hoping someone else does - because I could use some advice on this subject too. Hang in there Nanette.

[Nanette]

I have talked to Tanner about going in and seeing the school counselor, and he is willing to do this. I also think it is time to bring in his Mental Health Advocate and have a meeting with the principle and the dean of students. I know that they can't prevent every bulling situation every minute of every day, but maybe between all of us, we can come up with a saftey plan for Tanner. I don't want this to be " swept under the rug". Our school too has zero tolerence for bullying..I really don't know why kids don't like him, I have also reached out to the youth pastor of our church.

[Nanette]

I like the legal action thing, If the situation does not get better I may have to threaten that.

[hope4josh]

Oh, Nanette...I so know where your coming from. I don't know what happens to kids around the 5th grade, but they turn on each other and become little snots. My son also started having problems in the 5th grade. It started out small and then just got bigger. I approached the teacher and the principle and their action was pretty quick, but that doesn't mean it goes away completely. Middle school kids are just the worst. Once one starts, its like they all just jump on the bandwagon. It didn't help that this is also the time my son really started realizing that his ADHD was a huge factor in his life. He couldn't just ignore it...he HAD to react, which in turn made things much worse. I can't tell you how many days he came home from school crying that everyone hated him...it tore my heart out.

It sounds like your Tanner is a remarkable kid and is very successful in school in other ways. That is a huge plus. I would stay in constant contact with the school and document every incident that your son tells you. Its hard to remember each incident if you don't write it down. Make the school does their job, which is to make sure your son gets an education in a safe manner. I'm confident if you keep the lines of communication open with the school, you should see some results.

[Nanette]

thanks Hope for the advise, I will make sure that I keep documentation and keep in contact with the school.

nanette

[Zee & Me]

Our only child, our son, will graduate from high school in one week. As "hope's" son experienced, his major problems with bullies started in the 5th grade, which coincided with his first symptoms of ADD. But we had no idea what was going on, and apparently none of his teachers noticed either. (He and I were only recently diagnosed.) Fortunately back then, alerting the teacher and the school principal did wonders. He was still encouraged to try working out his problems first with the other child involved, but he was free to ask for help whenever he needed it. This, however, led to the problem of having other kids taunt him about being a "baby" or a "wuss" and worse. But he also had his friends and "champions" who would step in to defend him too.

The problems surfaced again, however, from an unexpected source. When he reached middle school, and had many teachers instead of one, we tried to alert all of them to the problems. But as you probably now know, a couple of them told us that we were "too permissive" and "pushovers" and that we needed to clamp down on him. And they were apparently determined to prove their theories. And the bullies, who had sort of backed off for a while, jumped in. So now, he was being attacked verbally in class by the teacher. We spoke to the principal and he spoke to the teachers, but I think they were upset and perhaps embarrassed, and the treatment didn't stop, although it did "quiet down" a bit.

In the first year of high school, a teacher took us aside in a conference and told us that her nephew had just been diagnosed with ADHD, and that our son, she thought, shared some characteristics. We were grateful, and sought and found a terrific counselor and M.D., but held off on medication until we could get a good handle on the problems.

He still struggled with all the things we ADDers have to deal with, however. Everything from having to fight his own depression and sense of failure, to realizing he was falling behind on social relationships. And at this point, because his interests were different than that of the usual high school student, some kids, even those he'd known for years, began to pull away from him. A girl, who had been a bully since the 5th grade, stepped up her harrassment too. The teachers couldn't be everywhere at one time, but that attitude that the kids were now old enough to handle their own problems was very pervasive too. And as is predictable, his grades were uneven; A grades in calculus, physics, and the physical sciences, but anything from B to D or F in English.

This last year has brought very mixed social reactions. The smartest boys are still his friends, but that's at school.....he doesn't really fit into their outside activities. And a girl, who has developed a filthy mouth over the years and has bullied lots of kids, still targeted him. And as will happen, while several girls indicated an interest in him, the bully made it her business to tell those young ladies all kinds of "things" she knew about him.....all lies.....and those girls now avoid him because they don't want to be a target too. And, of course, as is human nature, some of them wonder if he's really guilty of what the bully says. Our son isn't "cool," and that, of course, makes a kid a pariah.

Our son gets along famously with adults, and has many teachers who have befriended him over the years. But as we all know, he still longs for friendships among his peers.

One big problem I can now see, looking back, is that he was enrolled in a small, private school. Some of the kids in this one class have attended with each other since kindergarten. It's also a Christian school (Yeah, there's no difference in the kids or parents either from the public environment that we can see) attached to a local church, so the kids have been thrown together constantly for ages. I think they badly needed to have at least another classroom full of kids their age for variety and to prevent the "cemented" cliques that developed early. And we should have really gotten in the teachers' faces too, but of course, we were afraid of being tagged as "pushy parents." We enrolled him in this school to protect him, but imagine our surprise to find that if he was enrolled in a public school, there are programs in place for ADHD kids, extra workshops for kids and parents, and every teacher has to diligently study up on this disorder and learn ways to cope with it, and help the kids cope with it.

I would recommend the above advice about keeping track of incidents and helping your child to sort things out, but insisting that the teachers and school administration know how to work with an ADD child. I would give them notice that I would follow up on every incident, even if it turned out to be my own kid's fault. I would also recommend making sure your child has access to groups of kids outside his school.....not to overload him, but to instead provide a variety of personalities and increase the changes that your child will find a "soulmate" somewhere. I would also not let my son isolate himself so much. Here in Nevada, we also have an organization dedicated to educating people about ADHD. They also offer referrals to various state and local agencies, and they hold terrific workshops for kids of all ages to assist them with study skills and job hunting. Most colleges that we've contacted also have special programs for ADDers. And we've stopped pressuring our son to get right into college and jump into a full course load. Instead we're helping him back up and get grounded in better study skills. His counselor says he knows lots of successful ADDers who went to college "on the five-year plan."

This discussion has really been a help to me, but it really touches my heart. My son is also creative and has an amazing sense of humor. He's also very kind and encouraging of others.....I think because he's had lots of experience being hurt and has a great deal of empathy for anyone who is hurting. He has a huge range of interests, and is a terrific photographer. He was born in the wrong era.....he loves anything from the pioneer era, and he writes little novels and plays that always feature a hero who is brave, and a heroine who needs help, but doesn't need to be rescued :)

So, you'll always walk that tightrope of wondering how much or how little involvement you should have in his problems and life. It's hard, hard work and you'll probably feel worn out most of the time. It's difficult to simultaneously be somebody's cheerleader and disciplinarian at the same time. But you already know how special your child is and how many good qualities he has. And you know how shallow even high school kids can be. So your task is to keep him encouraged and in the game until he reaches the point where his social skills will mesh with others who appreciate him for his unique qualities. We're still not there yet, but the diagnosis is encouraging and resources such as this website are a godsend. I pray for you and your son, and the energy to hang in for that long delayed reward.

[Amanda Gray]

I don't know if this will help any, but in schools in Australia the government is trying to have a program called "Mind Matters" implemented in schools. It is about looking a mental health and incorportaing activities etc that help change the culture of a classroom in the context of bullying.

As a parent, you may want to direct your principal (especially if it is a small school or class) to the Mind Matters website and suggest that your child's class be educated on the issue of bullying using the http://www.mindmatters.edu.au/resources_and_downloads/mindmatters/m...">downloadable kit to change the culture of the school (including teachers).

If you are in Australia, you might also want to look at the Disability Standards for Education 2005. Part 8 specificially addresses the issue of bullying and what a school should have in place.

Sorry I can't be more helpful about laws and resources outside Australia, though the Mind Matters kit could be used anywhere.