My son was attacked at school!!!!

[Nanette]

Earlier I wrote that my son was experiencing bullying at school.....well I spoke to the Dean of students to inform him about all of the bullying on several occasions.
On tuesday the bullying crossed the line and my son was attacked in the locker room after gym class. I was never notified by the school that this happened! I called yet again the Dean of Students and he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, even though my son went to him and told him.
I can't imagine that fear that my son must of felt!!!!! I told the school that this wasn't going to be swept under the rug and something needs to be done...today!!!!! I was ready to press charges against this kid, who by the way is 2 years older, and about foot taller and 50 lbs heavier!!!!
So he called my son and his attacker down to his office at the same time!!!! I am sure my son's anxiety was through the roof! The outcome was.....hmmmmm...get this.....my son has to change his schedule for the classes that they have together....and the other kid was not suspended....and was told that if he puts his hands on him or any other student again he will be escorted off the ground by the state trooper.....who is being punished here?

Nanette

[Lisa Mullins]

That's terrible-they are punishing your son for being bullied! They also are not protecting his safety which is part of the school's responsibility. I don't agree with the way this is being handled, at all. I am sorry your son is having to go through this.

[NerdyMommy]

I agree with Lisa - punishing your son is not the answer. Is there someone above the Dean that you can take this too? School board, perhaps? Superintendent? If it were me, I would voice my feelings, even though it may not make any difference in the way this incident is handled - because it's just not fair what they are doing to your son. I'm sorry too, that he's going through this.

[Nanette]

Yes I agree...his safety has to come first. I talked to the Dean of student's again today and stressed the fact that it should be the other kid that has to move his schedule around, not my son's. My son has never been in any trouble at school, no detensions, not even being called to the office! the dean of students wasn't looking at it like a punishment for Tanner, but understands where I am coming from. He asked my son if he was ok with switching classes....and of course my son said yes, because of being scared and his anxiety high! I have been living in this town for about 1 year, and I love this small town....but middle school...not a big fan!

Thanks for the comments and advise, I will keep you posted if anything changes! I did call his Mental health Advocate and she is going to be going up to the school on Monday!!!!

[Anya]

Oh wow sorry to hear that...it's as if the bully controls the school more than the Dean does. I think the main reason for such illogical disciplinary action is that schools are reluctant to confront attackers and always want to take the easy way out of the situation. Rather than taking the responsibility of eliminating the problem they just shuffle things around...knowing that your son would more easily comply with a schedule change rather than the bully. Not willing to deal with the bully is extreme laziness and carelessness on the schools side (just move the attackers victims out of the way, then call the police if it gets too complicated?). I'd say it is definitely your turn to 'bully' the school by pushing them to handle the situation better even if that means going to the school everyday to talk or discussing it with higher authorities.

[Nanette]

Thanks Anya....My son has always been subject to bullies, and did stand up to one recently...(not the same kid who just attacked him though), but the kid he stood his ground to, has now backed off. But the kid who attacked him did it when Tanner was caught off guard and didn't even see him coming. My son has spent some time with his youth pastor and hanging out with him doing fun stuff and talking. I am greatful for him because I am a single mom, and he loves having one on one time with a Male role model.

But let me tell you, it doesn't stop my child from being who he is!!! He places his focus on his sports, which he is naturally good at!

Thanks for the comment and advise
Take care
Nanette

[Charlie Girl]

My son went through the same thing. A bully tried to rub his bare butt in my son's face. The only change the school made was to have the other boy change his clothes somewhere else. It didn't stop the name calling and hitting that happened every where but the locker room.

Please press charges. The bully isn't going to stop and child welfare will be called if your son is too scared to go to school and you stop forcing him to go. It happened to us.

Make sure you document every instance in writing and send an e-mail or registered letter every time even if you go to the school. My husband took over dealing with the school because I was working and he wasn't. We have proof of it happening last year but nothing in writing for this year. He went down and talked to that nice principal who seemed to really care instead of sending an e-mail. Why am I surprised that the school claims nothing happened this year, no one said anything to them, etc. We have no proof so they sure didn't keep records of it themselves. CPS found us guilty of neglect and it will be in the state data base that we are child abusers for the next 15 years. If there had been written records to prove he was still being bullied, I think they would have at least considered the fact that we really had a good reason for not forcing him to go. We had no trial, no chance to defend ourselves. They aren't held to the same laws as the rest of us.

Please do not let it get that bad for you. The one who suffers the most from it all will be your son. Ours has social workers and psychologists aplenty and they are all working to bolster his self esteem now and help him adjust to going to school without fear again. I see a lot of improvement. Of course, 3 different agencies wanted to know why the bully was still in a position to hurt my son so its not surprising that his schedule was changed to keep him away from my son completely. Even though they denied he was bullying my son, they stopped him from bullying again. Of course they know they are now being watched and that I will make sure they are notified in writing if it ever happens again.

[Nanette]

Sorry that your family had to go through all of that! The bullying seems to be getting better at school. There has not been any bullying since that day! I ask my son how it is going and he says it is better so I have to believe that.

Thanks for the reply
Nanette

[Amanda Gray]

Hi, Nannette
Bullying is such a terrible thing! I am a special education teacher who now educates undergraduate teachers on including children with disablities in inclusive classrooms. In the course I teach we have a lecturer who grew up with cerebral palsy and was bullied at school. He talked about what he wanted to happen. He said the child bullying him got in trouble, but didn't really stop bullying just kind of went "underground" with his bullying so the teachers wouldn't notice because the punishment didn't deal with the cause of the bullying. He suggested, and the thing that some schools in Australia (my country :)) are using, a reconciliation circle. This is where the child who is being bullied brings friends, parents and any witnesses, and the bully comes with their parent/s and they all discuss the incident under strict controls eg presence of school counsellor, school principal with clear guidelines about active listening. The idea is to create empathy, and for the bully (and his family) to understand the full impact of his/her behaviour. It has been shown to work in many cases, especially if the bullying is occuring as a result of thoughtlessness or stereotyping and so on. Often when faced with a united distress and disgust, the bully - and the bully's parents - often get a sense of shame and back off.

And, yes, I agree that you should document everything.... keep a diary if need be.

For me, I want to start training children at a very young age how to be assertive and defend themselves from bullying no matter what their ability. Check out my page if you want to know more (ooops, this is a genuine invite, not meant to be an advertisement. I hope you take it in the spirit it was written:)).

Hope all is going well.
Amanda

[Nanette]

I think that is great that you are addressing bullying in your teachings! I think that is very important. Keep up the good work!

My son's situation appears to be getting better, and no bulling since the attack in the locker room, that I am aware of. My son says that it is a lot better. So I praise God for that .

thanks for the reply
Nanette

[Faith]

Reminds me of when I was in high school. I was beat up in class by 4 guys. They told the principal that I sprayed them in the face with hairspray, I was just sitting there reading a book. The boys didn't get any punishment but even after my mother went in screaming, I still got detention

[Nanette]

It just amazes me that, this can happen, which sends a message to bullies, that they can do whatever they want to, and get away with it. In my son't case, thing have gotten much better. My son did not have to end up changing classes, and no one has bullied him in awhile. My son's says that the kid who attacked him, has not been in school for awhile. Not sure what happened to him.

Nanette

[Charlie Girl]

Press charges against him now.

My son was harassed and bullied for years, then it escalated to the point where this other, older, larger boy was attacking him. The school did the same things yours did and even though it continued, the other boy was not punished.

It got so bad this year that I stopped forcing my son to go to school. They called CPS and since we didn't have any of this in writing, it was our word against the school's. Guess who they believed! Yep! My husband and I are both listed as child abusers for neglect on the state data base. We never went to court, had an attorney or a trial. They just found us guilty and since we can't afford to pay an independant lawyer, we got screwed big time.

Either e-mail or send a letter, return receipt requested the first thing Monday morning. You can also take a letter in and have them sign that they received it. In it, tell them you are just making sure you have the facts straight and want to have it all on the same page. Describe everything that happened in detail, what occurred, what was said and by whom, including the Dean. Tell them that unless you hear back from them, you are assuming that all the details are accurate.

From here on in, never have a verbal conversation regarding any bullying that occurs (or anything to do with your son, for that matter). The law is that if it isn't in writing, it never happened. Cover your butt.

This won't make them take a firmer stand against the bullying. It might get them to stop it for a few days but thats about it. You need to make an official police report about it now. Even if you don't press charges, you will have taken steps to prove its an ongoing thing and it will help in the future.