self-coaching

[Talitha]

any ideas for self-coaching?

[NerdyMommy]

Self coaching can be very beneficial, especially for those who do not have the means to hire a professional coach. It requires discipline, and you have to hold yourself accountable, but if you can handle that, you can definitely self-coach!

To get started self-coaching, make some quiet time for yourself, in a place where you can focus and relax without interruption. The first step is to identify what exactly it is that you want to coach yourself on. A simple way to do this is to write down 3 or 4 issues that you are struggling with. Maybe you are late alot, or you forget appointments. Maybe it's broader than that - maybe you're unsatisfied with work, or with life in general. Maybe you don't know what you want to do in your career... these are all things that are common.

Once you have 3 or 4 things that you are struggling with, choose one that you are going to focus on first. I'd suggest choosing something that isn't terribly complicated or broad, for your first time. I'm going to use "being late" as the example through the rest of this.

So, you've identified "being late" as something that you are struggling with and would like to change. Now, start writing down everything that you can think of that makes you late. It doesn't matter what order you write them down, just write whatever comes to your mind. You've just listed the causes of your lateness.

Now, start to look at your list, and for each cause, ask yourself some questions, like, "How can I change this?" "What kind of things can I do to not let this thing make me late?" "What sort of tools might help me avoid this cause?" Try to come up with a short strategy for each cause - you may find that the same strategy will work for more than one cause. Just go through each of your causes until you have addressed each one.

Now that you have your strategies, look at them and decide if there is anything you need to do before implementing them. For example, if one of your strategies is to use a timer, do you have one? Or do you need to buy one?

If there are things that you need to do before implementing a strategy, your first goal will then become to do those things. Give yourself a date - usually a week is appropriate, though you may be able to complete it earlier. Write down the things that you are going to do and the date that you will have them done by. This is your commitment to action. Post this list somewhere where you will see it often, so that you'll be reminded to complete your task.

Once you've gathered anything you need to be able to implement your strategies, the next goal is to begin implementing them. You may want to pick one at a time. Again, decide when you are going to implement a strategy, and set a date (again, a week is a good period of time) for you to sit down and reflect on how this strategy is working for you.

When you sit down again to reflect, you'll want to ask yourself, "Was I able to implement this?" If yes, then "What things about it are working?" "What things about it are not working?" If the answer to the first question is no, then "What stopped me from implementing this?" "Is this an indication that this might not be a good strategy for me, or do I need to modify it?"

Once you've analyzed how your strategy is, or isn't, working, then you can decide to do one of three things: either continue with this strategy as is, modify the strategy, or give it up in favor of another strategy.

Once you decide what direction you are going to take, you will do the same thing as the week prior - set your goals, and set the follow-up date.

The most important thing is to be very precise and concrete in your goals. "I'll try to get a timer somewhere this week" is not nearly as effective as "I will buy a timer at Target on Wednesday afternoon". You need to be specific about how, when and where you will complete your goals, because being specific makes it much easier to be held accountable.

My last tip is this, and it is, in my view, the most important one of all..... Celebrate your Victories!!! When you meet a goal, celebrate it. Whether it's treating yourself to a mocha latte, or to a new CD, or just as simple as doing the Victory Dance in your living room - you have to celebrate your victories and tell yourself how proud you are that you achieved your goals. That celebration and reward that comes when a goal is reached is what will motivate you to push forward in the future as you tackle more complex issues.

I hope this gives you an idea of how to self-coach! If anyone has questions, or if anyone else can add to this, please feel free to post below!

[Brenda]

These ideas that you have suggested sound great. We all have to start somewhere. Today is my day. Thanks again.

[Talitha]

thnx for the reply nerdymommy.

before i had heard about "self coaching" i had written some suggestions to someone trying to describe one way that i cope. he said it sounded a lot like self coaching...

here it is:

Devote quiet time to solving some issues, problems or dilemmas.

-put on some headphones, set a timer to remind yourself of any upcoming appointments (so you don’t have to keep checking the time, instead you can just relax). Set your work phone to vibrate and only answer if it’s work related, all other calls can be returned later. (note: he works from home)

-identify the topics that your mind is focusing on. No matter the topic, write a key word on a list. In order to focus away form random thoughts, you are just “parking” them on your list until a later time (when you can refer back and deal w/them later). Basically isolating your thought topic to a single hyperfocusable thought.

-if you notice anything different you might make another note about how it feels and whether it’s positive or negative. Use your observations to change what needs changing, for example, if you notice that you hyperfocus on the lack of solutions to a set of problems… you might realized where a lot of stress is birthed and dwells. You might realize that part of the “problem” is just your inability to cease the hyperfocus of such negativity.

-so you are eliminating the clutter in your mind so that you have as much mental capacity to clearly focus on the solutions to one issue at a time

-leave all negativity & insecurity out of this. Hyperfocus is intense and you cannot allow yourself such intense focus of negative things. *if you notice you become sad or depressed, realize that it’s simply that you’re focusing intensely on negativity… and nothing more to be alarmed of… just don’t hold onto the feeling or let it go any deeper. You can control this.

-if you don’t want to take notes and write lists, you could try doing it all in your head. But just make sure to hyper focus on one thing at a time as to not get overloaded or distracted.

-directing your hyperfocus is the key, I think. You’re not limited to getting hooked on external data (like websites and wikis), you can do it internally as well (like things that pertain to your life, happiness, success, whatever).

-notice if you start to get tense, perhaps you were too focused to remember to breathe slowly and deeply enough to maintain a relaxed state. Don ‘t panic, just slow down and breathe.

-it’s all about making you feel good on all levels, so if you feel uncomfortable, hyperfocus to figure out why, then hyperfocus to find a solution. Then you’ll likely hyperfocus on its implementation.

**during this outline I got anxious and antsy because it’s hard to explain… but instead of letting the feelings overwhelm me I stood up, got something to drink and eat, took some deep breathes and put headphones in I didn’t sit back down until I felt better. I just stepped away from what I was focused on to figure out what to do to take my antsy-ness away. i'm learning how to be in control of myself and how to shape my awareness of my experiences.

**I’m a chronic problem solver… I cannot seem to stop focusing on a problem until I find a solution. Some problems have no obtainable solution, i.e. money/bills… I’ll obsess over a solution until I find one… so if I can’t find one, I’ll likely become depressed feeling and not understand why. But it’s because I can’t focus away from problems until i break the concentration (even in the back of my mind).

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do you think it applies...? not too far off in my opinion. :)

[Lisa Forman]

Try to do something different if your mind is spinning out of control

And I suggest trying not to fight negative emotions. Just label them and accept them and the moment. I have chronic pain and this is how I am working on it. If I try to fit it the pain gets worse