Stories to make Lizard laugh...

[Sherrie]

Okay Lizard, by now you know we are all thinking and praying about You and your girls and extended family...but I think you could use a good does of some humor and distraction. As we all know laughter is the best medicine, so I thought in this discussion we could share our funnies for the day...week...whatever. The only rule is that it needs to be funny. So here goes my contribution:

Okay so like me and pretty much everyone here, I am a....well a....(admitting the problem is the first step you know?)...I am...a...."pile"-er, both in the "real" world and the cyber world. All ADDer's who know what I'm talking about say, "Amen."

You know how it is we are so overwhelmed by the massive amount of communication in this world and with an inability to focus...well, we get piles. And I mean PILES. I've seen every ADDer's home...cause I have looked at mine and behold thine enemy is there. But I know (in general) what's in those piles. If you need something, I know which pile to look in first....isn’t that worth something? There's a system, all be it a scattered system, but it goes like this: fun stuff where it is easily accessible and the boring grown up crap in piles that can easily be hidden or at least over looked without too much guilt.

From the never ending pile of dishes...why must the kids and the husband use a clean glass, every time they need a drink of water??? Why...why do they add to the piles??? Oh, they have ADD, and to boot I gave it to at least the kids...What was that my mother said..."someday you'll have a child just like you...good luck!"

Then there is the shear volume of laundry that a family with 4 kids still at home create. I mean really, you don't really have to change your underwear once a day, do you? Kidding...but the jeans, could you wear them at least twice? I hang up (or lay very carefully on my cedar chest in a neat work clothes pile...umm, anyway) my work clothing when I get home and slip into my comfy pj pants, tank and slippers. I shouldn't even start on my husband...but then this wouldn't be funny if I didn't.

So my husband has Anosmea...pause for dramatic effect...okay, yes that's a real disorder. I'll wait while some of you (Go Figure) google it.......


hum....
hum....

Okay, see it's real. Much like the world of the non-Adder, the world of those that have the ability to smell, don't understand the world of those that have no ability to smell. Now just for the background, and the humor, we will call my husband Jeff. (mostly because that it is his name, of course this is my story so I could call him anything....daydream...okay we will call him Johnny, you know Depp, cause I have a thing for him and why not day dream BIG?... I A.D.Digress (oh, by the way, Bryan, we really could use a spell check feature on this thing).) (I think I needed that extra parenthesis, don’t you?)

Now where was I. Oh ya, so he can't smell. Now for all you ADDers that fancy yourselves the Kings and Queens of WebMD...his, I mean Johnny's sense of smell is not a result of smoking or any injury. He was born without it. Can you imagine the horror of growing up not being able to smell? Not knowing the smell of coming in after a long day of playing in the dirt, not being able to tell if your mom made something good for dinner? How does one know whether you need to conspicuously (again spelling?, help me out here NerdyMommy) hang out at your friends house around dinner time. I mean you can't just ask: "what's for dinner?" I tell you how that conversation goes with my kids at that annoying question (even if I have managed to think of something for dinner), "Food", "what kind of food?", "the kind you eat", "ya, but exactly what kind?"….you can imagine the torture. Kind of twisted, but again that's Funny Stuff, I don't care who ya are, (right Gary?)

Okay...so Jeff...er I mean Johnny can't smell, never could. Realized it when he was 16 years old. Now aside from missing out on the good smells in life, he has the advantage of missing out on the really bad smells. Now if you want a career at a sewer treatment plan, not smelling is a good thing. But you see, Johnny like myself has/is ADHD (that's why I like him, that impulsive bad boy...) and some OCD tendencies. And he worries...a lot...that he smells bad, he doesn't know what he smells like and has no frame of reference. So talk about a long way to go...just to say that he baths twice a day and thus wears twice as much clothing, making twice as much laundry as the average "normal" boring smelling husband. So that piles up too!

Now back to the piles, piles of kids toys, piles of sheet music on the piano, piles blankets from the kids sleepover/living room fort, piles for the recycling box, and the ever present piles of MAIL! I HATE MAIL...I mean it, I really, really hate it. It just adds to those dab-nabbit piles (admit it Dana, you thought I was going to swear there?). I am seeing those piles the last two weekends in a row. They are on the kitchen table. Do the rest of your Adder's know where your piles are? (okay so those with co-morbid OCD might not have this problem, but we love you and accept you anyway...I guess...I think Maron said I had to be nice...)

So my mail piles (don't mistake that for Male Piles, Jeff, err Johnny wouldn't approve), are now in open, sorted piles. Because we (I) can't just open the mail and deal with each piece, there's just too much mail! So what do I do, but sort into new piles, giving each pile a relative importance or ranking on the priority list. Current (and past due) bills, medical bills (love sorting through what the insurance paid, cause ya have to match (sort into piles) those with the statements from matching doctors.) Okay then there's the business bills, the tax documents, receipts, bank statements, the ever dwindling 401K statements, and finally the junk mail, and the throw it away pile. And thus my story....Admit it you thought you would never get to the funny part???

The throw away pile. Now the throw away pile is very important. And I am sure that any of our friends here at ADDerWorld (like Hiking Junkie, Bob, Kelly or Luke) could advise us of a self help book that could explain the phenomenon, and how to motivate ourselves to deal with the throw away pile. Now my epiphany (really need that spell check...), was that I am also a... I am a... that is to say, I have.... I am a cyber “pile”-er. There I said it….

That's right I admit it. OKAY? I have piles of computer documents. I mean I have PILES. On my laptop with 60 GB, I have less than 10 GB left. I have copies of copies, I swear. I have the back ups and back up, back ups. Of course that comes from having a laptop stolen from my car, cause I was too distracted to remember to bring my bag in that night. And let’s just say losing 2 years worth of files really, really bites. But the Piece de Resistance (pretend those words are spelled correctly and have the appropriate French accent...lol) is my email piles.

You see I have often bragged about the amount of email I have stored. You see, I have been lucky up to now, because I have enjoyed unlimited amount of room for my cyber piles. Now I get like 50 emails a day, no kidding! Some are from friends, some are work related and some are the requisite admail, or even...ughh...bills. Now I often feel overwhelmed by my email. Periodically each day I scan through my new email, to see if there is any pressing matter that I must attend to, but usually, I read it and say....come on you know what you say..."that can wait for later."

Every few days I sort through the inbox, okay at least every week or two. I make my "to do" lists, reply to those that need response, laugh at the jokes if I have the time, (our friends in the Great White North know how to laugh, don't ya Gary and Gord, I mean really "Gord" that's funny stuff, I don't care if your from Nashville like MssPhoto, that's funny stuff.) If I think an email is of particular importance, I save it in the cyber filing cabinet.

Now let's clarify, while I do receive personal emails on my work account, and let's be honest the majority of the jokes are from my bored co-workers. Now, I being a government employee, I am always trying to cover my...my...ass (sorry NerdyMommy, you'll have to cover your kids eyes, or bleep this out for them.) Now mind you my ass-ets keeps getting smaller and smaller, but I don't like going around with it hanging out, where just anyone can slap it! T.M.I. ??? (Did you know that ADDer's have a problem with just saying whatever comes to mind...this story, or noveletta, is case study in and of itself.) You just never know when a controversy or scandal may come along, and with it a subpoena (Bryan, really the spelling thing...ya know we love ya right?) for all records of conversations between me and some elected official over some stupid vote or development. And keeping the emails makes sense in that world.

So back to the email. I like to use my email trash file as one great big pile. I vaguely remember some of the contents of the pile. It has some important stuff that I may or may not ever need again (just like my piles at home), right along with the junk and garbage. Well my email server allows me to easily search or sort through that cyber pile. So anytime, I think didn't I get an email about so and so, or something or another...just a couple of clicks and there are the email files that serve to jog my memory. As you can imagine, and probably to the horror of the computer nerds out there in ADDerWorld...I had almost 7,000 email messages in my trash folder. And I had started noticing that those searches/sortings were taking a little longer than they used to.

So last weekend, to avoid those "real" world, "grown up" piles I decided to sort and clean my trash email file. Now I didn't take note of what my total mailbox size was before I started that, but I will say that I was successful in sorting emails by name and permanently deleting over 4,000 emails. I was pretty proud of myself....I look for success in baby steps...

Fast forward a week. You see I contacted the email administrator to set up a new email account for my new employee (started Tuesday, and I am on cloud 18, as I really don't like cloud 9 and prefer cloud 18, it's higher and well just a bit more lucky of a number for me..again I a.d.digress.) Now I don't know for sure, but my suspicion is that this brought unwanted I.T. attention to my account. And who do those I.T. people think they are anyway? Needless to say, I open my laptop on Friday, at home, not planning on working on work stuff, planning on dealing with the "real" piles in my life, wrongly assuming that by dumping 4,000 emails out of the trash file (and hey some were graphic intense) that I had done a good thing....but NOOOOO!

What message do I receive at an attempt to reply to an email, but you have exceed the mailbox storage limit and will have to delete or archive emails before I can reply to any email, or send a new email. Those little I.T. (insert your favorite derogative here) had me over a barrel! I can't live without my email. I can't even go online to look up my bills, which is of course because I forget the login and/or password and have to have an email sent to me. And If I can’t use the email, I can’t deal with the "real" piles properly, until I deal with this little wrinkle in my cyber style.

It's wrong I tell you, I need that link to the ADA and a good attorney. I as a proud ADDer need special email storage accommodations. It's not too much to ask!!! It's not. This is discrimination. I’m calling my congressman. Oh what the heck, (can you tell I am from Utah, heck is exclusively licensed to Utahns…learn something new every day…don’t ya?) I am taking it all the way to my main man…Barack. I talking about organizing a million ADDer march on Washington to get our rights protected. Or at least to have one heck of a party!!! Wooo Wooo!!!

So do you know how long it takes to go through 3,000 emails and decide if you truly want to keep them and archive them (and commit your own hard drive with it’s dwindling 10 GB left ). And to decide which ones to throw out, gulp...permanently. Do you know what permanently means??? (of course not, we don't have a thesaurus feature either, now do we Bryan?) Well I will tell you, it means you never ever get it back. EVER!!! Now I haven’t even mentioned the physical time it takes to move the files (you can only move so many at once or the system stalls and crashes). I learned that one after having to restart the email server for the 3rd time!

Well on top of the injustice of just cutting me off cold turkey (you can’t do that to an A.D.Dict), the limit is just obscenely small. I mean what is 500 MB, nothing, nothing I tell you! After I deleted the 4,000 emails in the trash folder, I still had 2.69 GB of total mailbox storage. Argh, that meant going into the cyber filing cabinet and cleaning it out too, or archiving the important stuff.

So what I am trying to say in what has to be the longest story (noveletta) written in the history of ADDerWorld, is this Lizard. Do you think your brain surgeon is a .... is a.... "pile"-er. I think you should ask. Cause frankly, I think he should be. The ability to hyper-focus would be a good trait in a neurosurgeon. I think....

And last we all here at ADDerWorld wish you a speedy recovery so that you may get back to being a "pile"-er just like the rest of us (at least those of us strong enough to admit it). Just one look at those that are sending you their love, you will see we are circling the globe with our prayers for you and your family. From Portland Oregon to Brockton Maine, from Canada to Ft. Lauderdale, from L.A. to Amsterdam, Utah to Pittsburg and every city big or small in between, know we love and miss you.

Sending love, thoughts, prayers, good karma, positive energy and all the rest, Sherrie.

[DANA]

This little quiz is hysterical and I thought it may bring a smile to your face, Lizard. Enjoy!

A Ritual of Spring

Ah, Spring is here! Hormones surge... instinct takes over.. a woman's thoughts turn to... HOUSE CLEANING! Yes, it's true! Dust is in the air. It is time to celebrate the honored ritual of spring house cleaning.

It must be a primitive nesting instinct, the urge to renew and revive. Suddenly it becomes apparent that your house resembles a college dorm room.

Here are a few of the tell-tell signs.

1.

Your front door has more fingerprints than the FBI.
2.

The dust mites are having an anniversary party under your bed.
3.

You are wearing clothes from the floor of the closet - inside out
4.

Your family is eating off paper plates so you don't have to open the cabinets.
5.

You need a gas mask when you open the refrigerator.
6.

The kids can't find their toys -- in fact they can't find the toy box.
7.

The garbage disposal is coughing.
8.

You can't find the cordless phone unless it rings.
9.

You can't turn on the ceiling fan without creating a dust storm.
10.

Your chore for the day is to find the vacuum cleaner bags -- and the vacuum cleaner.
11.

The remote control has been lost in a sofa crack since the end of football season.
12.

The kitty litter is a concrete block.
13.

The cat has been missing for three days.
14.

There is something solid and black in the bottom of the coffeepot.
15.

You can't decide whether to clean the windows or just buy mini blinds.
16.

The dog has offered to loan you his doghouse.
17.

The mail hasn't been opened since last tax season.
18.

The piles of magazines may fall over and bury you.
19.

You are afraid to turn on the oven because bugs may be raising a family in there.
20.

You wonder if a hose down would ruin the carpets.
21.

There is something sprouting in the dishwasher.
22.

The washing machine reminds you of a concrete mixer.
23.

You introduce your kids as the three little pigs.
24.

You can't go outside because fresh air makes you dizzy.
25.

It seems easier to move than to clean the house.

If any of these seem slightly familiar, you too may have spring cleaning fever. The male of the species is seldom affected. Like PMS, spring cleaning fever is exclusive to the female.

Fortunately, the cure is rather simple. Apply soap and water, disinfectant, furniture polish, scouring power, grease solvent, and plenty of elbow grease and your fever will be cured in a matter of hours, with results lasting at least till the family gets home.

[Voodoo]

This is originally from a story I'm writing, but I'm changing it around slightly for Lizard. It's a romance fiction and I put Lizard's name in instead of the main character's name but also changed it around a little to make it more relavent... Please note the fiction part. This one's for you Liz! Oh and if it seems slightly grim at first just keep reading-it gets better.

"Sigh. I guess I should talk to Reaper..." mumbles God.

"What's that God?" asks many of God's deceased creations.

"Nothing." booms God.

God spies a black cloak descending to Earth by meteorite. He follows it cautiously. The one foot long meteorite crashes into the Earth and with it so does part of Ms. Reaper. It doesn't affect her since she went through the ground, so she got up.

"Ex-TREME!" she shouts and flips her hood and hair back.

"Umm..."

"DA! Oh, it's just God."

"I'm looking for somebody named Lizard...she may have been added to the list?"

"Lizard...she's the character of one of those 'reality' shows you watch?"

"Grim Reaper, I am watching reality."

"I probably won't get to her, but my magic might if you don't get there first."

God leaps into action.

"Gods are so funny," Reaper says softly.

"Lizard, I, God have saved you from death, so be thankful. Uh, I got to go, so yep you can wake up now."

"Huh??" Lizard exclaims as an out-of-body spirit. Her soul goes back into her body. It felt as though she got a nice head massage where the brain tumor used to be.

(Sorry that didn't distract well...but it was funny at least...wasn't it...?)

[Bob Harrington]

Here's a story for ya, Liz. It involves something you've seen a lot.

This is a true story that happened back in the early 90s, shortly after my son was born.

My friend and I went to the video store to rent a couple of movies and video games. We left my wife at home with our son. She was OK with it. While I was gone, she decided to sterilize some baby bottles on the stove. Now I have to tell you, the kitchen wasn't designed for people with ADD tendencies. The door to the kitchen was one of those heavy swinging doors and we didn't like leaving it open. We also didn't like spending any time in there. During the summer, it would get too hot in there. The hot water tank was next to the fridge. We always did what we could to keep the apartment clean, but stay out of the kitchen! Geez, I almost forgot where I was going with this.
My wife had the bottles on the stove, and she was playing Tetris on the Nintendo in the living room. I think things would have turned out differently if she didn't get distracted by phone calls AND she didn't have our son in her lap. Needless to say, she forgot about the bottles. Now, these weren't the nice glass bottles, they were the small plastic bottles (notice the underlined word). My friend and I just got back from the rental store. We walked in the door and noticed smoke coming out of the kitchen. I immediately rushed into the kitchen to see smoke and flames coming out of a metal pot on the stove. I grabbed the extinguisher by the stove and put it out. The water had boiled out of the pan and the bottles got so hot that they caught on fire. I realize that this doesn't sound too funny, but there is more. There were smoke stains all over the kitchen. Most of it was washable. I found out later, that the ceiling wasn't one of the washable items. I tried taking a sponge mop to it. It just made it worse. I still get picked on about it. I don't know which story is worse, this one or the time we put a bag of burnt microwave popcorn in the freezer thinking it would help. The only thing that it did was to make everything in the freezer taste burnt. Oh well. ADD, you got to love it! :)

[Go Figure]

Cute, Sherrie. Loved it.

[Sherrie]

Don't you just hate it when your male piles up ???

[sharon]

This is one forwarded email I've just received.
Let you learn a little bit about Canada and have a chuckle out of it:





TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do
the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from
downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest
going on.
5. Weed.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and BC.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for
the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can
think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford
to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government
militia groups.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a
beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your
mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float
by.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal
election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English
neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo
A*#!%!"


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your
income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't,
think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse
to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you
still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to
Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on
and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to
your wedding.


Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and
foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then
enjoy a good chuckle.
Let's face it, we're a rare breed.

[Lizard (aka, Butthead)]

You crack me up, I am not sure what he is, he is very neat and precise but down to earth and has a good sense of humor! He told me I am his 401K plan! I told him to not stick his fingers where they do not belong in there and that I pictured them all in there pushing the mush to see like my arms and stuff swinging around or me hitting myself in the face! I told him to make me smarter and less impulsive, but don't touch my art side! He said my impuliveness and candor was who I was and he could not dig deep enough to hurt that!