Comfort of Writing

[Voodoo]

I had writer's block for an incredible amount of time. Everything I wrote didn't seem to my potential, but I didn't know it until someone said just that. I had forgotten something in this work I had created. I realized it was comfort. I would be writing out of fear of myself when I was supposed to be writing to calm myself. Now I enjoy the comfort I get when I write and I think more of my character is written then I've actually talked about. This is sort of the bridge where I don't know what I should share and what I shouldn't, because I can say more here than anyone would have the patience to listen to if I spoke it aloud.

Anyone else have writer's block, ever feel uncomfortable about writing or feel comfortable about writing now?

[Lindsay]

I totally agree with the fact that writers block stems more from fear than lack of creativity. That's what made some of my grad papers so disastrous -- the sheer fear of writing something substandard kept me from writing anything at all.

The best advice I have yet to hear regarding this comes from psychologist Albert Ellis (via my therapist) and writer Anne Lamott. The first apparently liked to advise his students to write "one hour of crap" when stuck. The latter emphasized the power of the "shitty first draft". The first helped me actually get the ball rolling on some of the afore mentioned papers, and the second is why I'm on Act IV of my first attempt at a play.

It just helps to know that if we write something "substandard" its ok -- that's what revising is for :)

[Jacquelyn Hedden]

Voodoo,

Thanks so much for your post. Because I have experienced writer's block intensely and in a ways that "penalized" me scholastically, I will tell you my experience, though there are MANY books out there on writer's block that provide steps for what to do to overcome it, what causes it, etc. (Julia Cameron has some good books out there. One is about giving ourselves permission to write, though I can't remember the exact title.)

When I've had to write a research paper for a seminar, this has been my personal experience:

- I select a topic I'm extremely interested in.

- I come up with what I believe is genuinely a unique theory or perspective on said topic. (This is the part of my writing process, the creativity, that I can brag about.) :)

- I research everything I can about it, and I do mean everything. If I am writing about a novel by Virginia Woolf, I read every piece of literary criticism the library has about it. This constitutes piles of material. Having done this, I am actually a bit of an expert on my topic.

-I sit down at my computer to write and nothing will come out of my fingers. Nothing. I walk away from the computer, feeling like a failure because I know all there is to know about my topic but can't get it out.

So here goes. My theory on why this happens is this. :::deep breath::: The reason I research everything in the library, and the reason I have trouble with the actual writing aspect, is because I don't want to appear stupid by writing something that seems uninformed or shows the world how I feel about myself inside. One of my greatest fears is being seen as stupid. (I now know these problems with self-esteem and feeling stupid have a lot to do with not being diagnosed until later in life.)

For me, not being able to write is about my deep-seated shame. I am afraid that when people read what I write, which is NEVER as highly personal as this post, they'll be able to see the insides of me, the parts of me I am still working on not hating. I am still working on feeling like I am okay as a person and not a mess up or a failure. Writing anything is a highly intimate act for me, and putting words onto a page allows others to see into me. I have been afraid of what they will find there, that they will find my very essence lacking.

Experiencing writer's block when I have tried to write, feeling these feelings of shame (even when I didn't know that was what was going on with me), and then getting up from the computer . . . going through this repeatedly, reinforced writing as an incredibly negative experience for me. Until very recently, I said I had a hate-hate experience with writing. Now that has evolved into a love-hate relationship.

Here is something ironic. I have taught English composition to college students many times. In some classes, I have told my students after giving them a writing assignment, "You better not bring any great writing back in here next time! Your first drafts better be really, really crappy and disorganized! If you don't let me and the rest of the class help you work on improving them, then I'm out of a job." (I say this with humor.) It's funny that though I can tell them this and MEAN it, that I've had such a hard time being gentle with myself and applying such advice to my own life!

I hope this posting isn't too long and doesn't make anyone uncomfortable because it is personal. I am certainly not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, and hope it doesn't come across that way. I am making progress with overcoming my writing fears and am proud of that. For me, the book Face the Fear and Do it Anyway! has been very useful (though it isn't about writing).

Sharing what is simply my own personal experience provides catharsis. I am so glad we have this forum in which to do that.

[JP (Judy)]

Jacquelyn, It's been a long time since the above post so don't know if you're still experiencing writer's block or not. I find I am blocked much of the time although I "claim" to have a passion for writing. You hit the nail on the head for me regarding fear of appearing stupid. I, too, spend an ungodly amount of time researching, taking notes, comparing theories, searching for related literature, outlining or mapping to assure I'm synthesizing information correctly, etc. I get stuck there so often, not feeling ready to pull my thoughts together and commit them to paper. Everything I get my hands on to read that's related in any way presents a new slant. At times when I do begin, two paragraphs, two pages, or even two sentences, I'm not satisfied, feel "stale," etc. and I walk away.

I want my writing to knock it out of the ballpark, to reflect wisdom, knowledge, and maturity, to grab the attention of the reader immediately, and if my beginning bores even me, I can't continue. I find that when I sit down and just begin writing, about anything and everything, extemporaneously, about whatever I'm thinking and feeling at the time, important events in my life, etc., not worrying about grammar, punctuation, etc., somehow I'll drift towards the topic I seriously want to write about, and by then my passion and my writing juices often have started flowing and I have generated the enthusiasm and impetus I needed to get on track. Doesn't always work, but often enough.

I know very well that it's hard to practice what you teach! My many years of counseling and teaching effective coping skills to others enabled me to talk a good game and to know how to mask my own ineffective skills. I found though, that when I desperately wanted to (for example) lose weight, the thing that worked for me was to offer my services to a local wellness clinic to teach some weight control classes using behavior modification for the next session. I would then strive to "get myself into shape" to be a role model by the time the next session rolled around. Sounds silly, but it worked.

I'm wondering if you could manufacture a classroom situation of some sort, even in your imagination, in a way that would challenge you to perform (to get unblocked, etc.). Jacqu, I just reread this and it doesn't make any sense! I'm digging a hole I can't get out of by trying to explain further so I'm going to send it on anyway and maybe you can glean from it what I mean. If you do, I hope you'll let me know, 'cause now I DO feel stupid!

[Jacquelyn Hedden]

JP,

Thanks for your post. You weren't digging yourself ANY hole! It sounds like our experiences are very similar, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. And I appreciate your ideas. Thanks again!