Getting to the Disturbances Within

[Rorey]

Well here is my first go at a blog. It is in fact a response to Tracy's posting "I've got the Jitters". I don't know if it will really mean anything to Tracy, or if it will be true for her. A day later there are no responses for me to know, but that's OK. Maybe no one read it or maybe it didn't stand the test of having meaning to any one else. I'm not actually trying to seek casual opinion. Rather, it has meaning to me because I have put effort into capturing something of deeper value, as best I can, and as such I should be responsible for putting it on my page. Here it is.

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Hi Tracy, Rorey here responding. Sorry to hear you are so out of sorts - not a nice place to be in. What's really disturbing you? You know it is not the medication thing by the sounds of your post. But you know there is something there that's really hit something important.

How about the professor thing? Did he mean something more to you maybe, not seeing what you really were, or worse come on romantically and then totally disown you as you responded- whatever it was, what was it that happed about then? {point of clarification: these are my questions not her suggestions- Tracy merely mentioned a professor in passing}.

My best experience of finding it, is that it won't be the generalised sort of answer you might first come up with - you know - the meaningless, useless, non specific crap like " I wasn't able to be who I really was" or "I wasn't able to give my love" or "you know uni was pretty hard". No, if it is real, it will be a very specific event or moment that has intimate meaning to you and is still sitting deep in there right up against the sweetness of you, but it is covered over. As you approach it within, the sort of thing that would make you feel so vulnerable, that part that you have gotten out of touch with, and when you are being worldly or sophisticated, would say isn't there, or say about incidents that effect it “oh that doesn’t affect me’”. The knowledge of whatever it is, as you approach and uncover it within the sensations inside of you, might cause you to just weep. Not emotionally or indulgently as "poor me" but weep really, with your unknowingness and vulnerability as you weep the still and silent tears at the sheer pathos, as your now mature intellect rediscovers by being, that moment when that hurt entered the open, sweet and innocent girl who didn’t know the reality of the world, or have the experience to understand what others do out of their hurt, or how they could do it. That’s pretty deep, and in this world there are many other incidents that occur that could be on top of it by now – so maybe it would be enough to start getting at the other layers of hurt emotion that have joined in covering over it (or whatever it is).

If that were to happen then that might set of a chain of other recognitions that would be revealed or maybe that would be it. You would then have to be very careful not to knit them into any of the stories you have developed about yourself or what life is about.

You said you feel like punching the guy in front of you for being creepy and inconsiderate. Inconsiderate maybe, but how was he creepy? He is only pacing.

That’s why I go down this path. Who is it that you really want to punch for being creepy and inconsiderate – creepy especially? What events does that bring up? What really happened? When a leader “peaces out” (I don’t know that expression) sounds like they wimp out on what a man might be expected to do as a leader in those circumstances. Less kindly, what expectations do you have that were not met by someone else?

If you do get the answer to what is really disturbing you, what about being so impersonal as going into your own vulnerability to see only the truth of it affecting you?

If you start to see the incident that is stuck in you, causing all this unrest, know that it is impersonal love and truth that is serving you though your own purity – otherwise you wouldn’t really be seeing the truth of the problem – all you would have gotten was a lesser selfish idea of it and you would recognise that as just being more of the same old thing. And if you see that it is some great power as love and truth that is serving you, then your gratitude and love of that would carry you deeper. You would know implicitly that thinking or expressing any anger or resentment (or guilt) would be too dishonest to that presence ( because you would instead be just another angry and nasty person with an excuse for it ie. every other angry, nasty presence in the world and actually the cause of what you are suffering). But especially don’t judge yourself or be guilty either– that’s the same thing choosing the best camouflage of all, selecting your self as the target – because how could such noble self victimisation be bad. Instead life is giving you the moment to be the great intelligence of woman and in that instant to be your own solution.

And if you continued with that freshness and a lack of selfish interpretation, perhaps access to the power of your deep intelligence (the intelligence), might help create a life that has a most unimaginable and real value for you, a life that you could never create using your own wilfulness, wants or avoidances. At the least, if you could consciously discover whatever it is you have not seen that is disturbing you, you would be able to keep that particular disturbance out on all future occasions and you could teach your future daughters how to do the same.

Tracy. I don’t know anything about you other than your posting. This might be wholly inappropriate and irrelevant to your situation and could be taken as insulting. If so I apologise.

I am really putting myself “out there” though, am I not? All I know is that I am moved to write with as great a perspective as I can possibly muster though this is my rending of truth that has been already discovered. They are the same fundamental problems for all, one way or another and there needs to be a greater truth and real intelligence for each of us to deal with it.

There is so little real truth in our worldly times that maintaining our natural brilliance, rightness and vital joy is dulled. Each person who enlightens themselves of a burden, however trivial but difficult that may seem, to find even a little more truth and peace and joy behind makes it easier for someone somewhere else to do the same within their body and provides greater access to intelligence and truth, enabling the possibility of our human intellect to penetrate further into the finer and more beautiful realms of that. There is only one spirit or intelligence behind it all (I am not using the word God because, for too many people that comes as loaded concept of what that means unless they have a direct knowledge of it).

I have tried to bring as much love and intelligence to these words as I can for this to be as real and useful as possible to anyone in whom this resonates as truth. I know that to really get underneath problems requires the presence of a love of something greater however that can be invoked.

Perhaps I won’t try to continue posting along this vain if there is no real value to others – but in this first instance I do it for myself, to stop being half baked or self considering when there is a greater truth I know inside (I do see though that I have at least one more posting in me along a similar, but slightly different vain) .

Rorey.

PS. I noticed Tracy that in you details your Relation to ADHD; is - "Diagnosed as an Adult" Congratulations ! You are the first person I know that has officially been "Diagnosed as an Adult" most of us are only diagnosed with ADHD - your problems are solved!.

[Rorey]

Sorry Anna,

I can see what is here but can't capture it in words and simple idea.

Perhaps this is the best way of starting.

The “moment of presence” it is a deep perception, actually a realisation of intelligence itself, perceiving how intelligence perceives”

In that there is a very clear idea of “something coming into this vast presence of nothing”. And how in this state, both the something and the nothing are indescribably beautiful .
Now you see the beauty in that, somewhere . But that cannot be held for long in your “thinking mind” because your thinking mind (and my thinking mind – and everyone else’s thinking mind) is too busy, and comparatively slow to ever perceive with that vast intelligence. It always deals with “somethings” (like objects/concepts) so the presence of “nothing” is completely beyond its understanding, more than that, it disturbs it, because your “thinking mind” thinks it is all there is of you, though you know different in the wholeness of your being.

Then you start to access the power to be more intelligent because you stop believing everything that appears in your “thinking mind” as correct, or representing all that is. You start to see that your greater more real intelligence is almost as nothing, to your “thinking mind so it can’t perceive it. Now your “thinking mind” does have some experience of the knowledge that passes though it, but once it has gone, the mind panics, because it thinks it is doing everything , but suddenly it doesn’t know what is going on. What it had a minute ago –it no longer has – it’s responsible for creating everything in its thinking world – but it can’t remember creating that (because it didn't).

Look back on the posts and you see that after the initial recognition of truth, insight or beauty, there are remarks of doubt from the “thinking mind” like “I can’t put the pieces together”. To me it is a powerful tool to understand that a vast part of me is there as a still and silent intelligence, but when there is a lot of “thinking activity” or emotional disturbance on the levels above it , it is just harder to see, yet it is always there. In that knowledge I start to be more permanently connected to it.

[Rorey]

Hello Anna,
Sorry I couldn’t respond sooner. I had to do a trip and I’m some catching up on many things for the next 2 weeks. I usually take my laptop but don't get time to respond.
I’ll post separately under this note (so I can delete this later – and keep this very long post as simple as possible). In the next hour I hope to post a response. My plan - to be succinct , the actuality - well, I'll have to wait and see.

Rorey

[Rorey]

Hello Anna,

Thank you again for your spirit in this. You are both acknowledging and open.
I wasn't actually trying to delete anything but to gather them all into the one blog and maybe separate that at a few crucial places. I tried posting your comments into my blog where they fell but then they looked like they came from me. I'm not sure how to keep the flow of the dialog in one place. Because responses finish in different locations like separate comment walls. My fault , I started it when there was a comment on your wall.

I agree about keeping the order of the thread. This interaction is dear to me because I see something more profound working behind the superficial appearances and this is what I want to capture so when it is laid out as it happened in time it can be very revealing as you look back at it with your own intelligence, and then your superficial mind also gets the idea. Then it is powerful in your own life if it connects you more to your intelligence that is already there.

I already know that the intelligence coming through me is for the purpose of trying to communicate this. It just keeps rising in me from a deeper level whether I want it to or not. This has been going on since when I joined the forum. Intelligence always knows what intelligence is doing and if I tap into the deeper levels of my intelligence I see it, so I too know what I’m doing.

I am trying to demonstrate all this in our living experience. Not Rorey, not Anna but the intelligence behind. Whether it will happen is entirely another thing. It depends on THE WILL and me keeping any thing personal for me out of it. It also depends on your affinity. But the purpose is still served even if you don’t resonate with that idea, if someone else does as a result. If you read back from the beginning of this posting a number of times without thinking about it you start to see that purpose and a greater intelligence there. The posting articles flow one to another as a whole of different parts but I have never tried to make that happen – I couldn’t do it rightly of my own personal intent, it would make them sort of “holier than thou” if I did and you wouldn’t respond.

If you are ever with a master you see a profound demonstration of what it means to live from your deeper level of intelligence. They are not living “their” life but you see that life is actually “living them” giving them an unassailable joy and what seems like a profound control over events.

I understood that the previous question about “logical thought “ might have been from another thread, but that did not matter, behind the scenes it was the right question and it was thrown up by you. I’ll try to make it more clear why logical thought can’t exist because “thought is not logical” because that realisation is one of the main aims.

Your next question is great too,

Why can't I feel intelligent all of the time?

I’ll speak to that as soon as I can, so you can look at it.

[Rorey]

At 6:22pm on September 19th, 2008, Rorey said…
Hello Anna,

I only just found your reponse on a second page of my blog. Even though my comment was after it (I had wondered where that went).

Thank you. I can hear where your beautiful acknowledgement is coming from.

I'm still getting to a question that I wanted to respond to though how soon that comes I'm not sure. Delete Comment

[Rorey]

Hello Anna,
Thanks for your honest responses. Sorry I couldn't get to answer since time has beaten me tonight, but I'll be on it tomorrow.

Rorey

[Rorey]

The Beauty of Thy Call - and I Implore You to Listen.

An Open Letter to Anna – an others who seek a depth of understanding – and can’t find it


It is 5.15am in Australia. There is a beautiful full moon outside my window. I’d say I’ve been woken up by life because I went to bed last night tired, and at 4.00am I am wide awake, no trace of tiredness and I realise I’ve been woken because there is something I have to do. It’s still dark as I sit down to write and the first calls of birdsong have just started. In the first bird I can hear within the beauty of her call, the capacity to sing beautiful melodic cascades, but I am touched by the poignant simplicity of her call as she breaks the silence of the darkness. Together, both are filled with beauty . Gradually now there are a few more calls including a character with his own raucous call and original beauty. There is the distant primeval roar of a big surf down on the beach. I have the knowledge that I am profoundly intelligent at present and it has the same simplicity as the bird call in the midst of nothing. An impossibly sweet sense and knowledge able to be seen so clearly because it is appearing in the vastness of nothing. This type of intelligence is what inspires Haiku poetry but even as that, it has moved too far, and started to become ignorance because it has started to reflect off its own profundity. This state is beyond that, it is intelligence now, as knowledge but no reflection.

Whether you believe in God or not , there is such a profound unity and rightness in which everything is contained in this vast implicit moment of knowledge, now, that the only right words I know for it are the mind of God or intelligence , and behind that only the intellect.

I am being– and it is being me.


I cannot say too much more than that about this state, even right now, because then it becomes something which is exactly what it is not. And that is the eternal difficulty for our human intelligence down through the ages.

I have to get up and go to the toilet, my stomach is rumbling and so I’ll have a bowl of cereal (with soy milk of course –you see I am very spiritual ) Welcome human being to these two worlds you have to maintain presence in to be able to have a sense of wholeness, purpose or innate integrity. The unmanifest stillness, and your ordinary life.

I am ordinary man speaking honestly and looking into the depths of my intellect while I do. The above writing is not some carefully crafted sophistry generated by my thoughts, religious concepts or what someone else told me to represent what I want you to see, or how I want things to be. It is the total opposite.

I just sat, seeing what was within and without me and the significance of it.

[Rorey]

Anna,

Thank you for your question. It is more valuable than you know . There is a wonderfulness behind things that would make your heart sing.

I don’t have faith. That is because I have knowledge,and when you have knowledge you don’t need faith. When that knowledge gets beyond the limit of my normal human understanding, I look inside the emptiedness of my intelligent presence (in which I also feel my sensations inside) to something much deeper and finer which communicates as (what I will call) “implicit” knowledge”. Closest explanation I can give about implicit knowledge is that it is the extraordinary means through which the intellect is able to communicate things beyond our normal human understanding. Things such as the knowledge of the presence of God, or purpose, or the will. (The above explanation still needs some further refining in my use of the right words, since these matters are beyond words and concepts - but it gives the idea of the process).

For me, it communicates the knowledge of an inconceivable intelligence which is behind everything. Everything that can possibly be, is contained within this intelligence, even the universe itself. That is as very fine, intangible, but real understanding within me.
Now I am an ordinary man, living an ordinary life but at times I will experience a profound presence of understanding or deep insight. This is done by the will when/if it happens. The initial grace is that a Master (enlightened master if you like) had to appear outwardly to me to affirm that this knowledge implicit in me was true. This is needed because the more “real “ (in a spiritual sense) and true something is the more fine and subtle it is – and the brain would simply obliterate the perception of it, with its coarse materialistic rational thinking. So that external affirmation to the finer perception within me, lets me know, I’m not making it up - it is real (then once perceived as real there is no doubt of it) .

I cannot write more at the moment but I hope to give some insight into how the intelligence is working behind the scenes at the moment, and how impossible that is to conceive.
There was something in your posting before you left the group that caused the intelligence in me to need to respond to that. A questioning or searching for something I know needs to be bought into more clarity – because that helps every one. I have some sense of that but let’s see what happens.

I have been waiting for your question and expected it would come somehow because there were elements when I wrote that posting that related to that, even though you had left the group. The weird fact that you had two identities on the site tonight is significant to me because it indicates the superficial level and the deeper level behind that is seeking the communication and I was right there within a minute of your posting a question.

I hope to write about the way real symbols communicate, including the moon as an example. How it is possible when we are associated with a deeper purpose in intelligence, then at times even the moon can communicate something particular the way only symbols can.

I hope to give an example written whilst perceiving the presence of intelligence and the difference between -This written through my understanding, and what is written wholly in the moment.

I’ve just gone back to that record and it is a perfect example - didn’t realise that I had already headed the letter and it was written on Monday morning I think that is before you even returned to the group. I didn't finish whatever meant to put on the bottom but life moves on and here it is.

Amazingly it is headed to you

The beauty of thy call - and I implore you to listen
A open letter to Anna – an others who seek a depth of understanding – and can’t find it

[Anna]

Rory I am finding your words to have been written with much insight.

There is much to think about, and if I don't get back to you please remind me!

[Rorey]

Thanks Leesa,

You no doubt saw that I'm OK if no one is moved to comment and I can also see what you say. I did see Tracy's blanket thank you, but had posted after that.

Mostly I wanted to say thank you for your communication.

Rory