Complicated Does Not Always Equal GOOD

[Eileen]

In spite of making some inroads with this relationship, it is now officially dead. I do not claim to even know how it happened yet somehow I know he feels it is all my fault. It's to the point that it is so confounding to me that I've started to believe that perhaps he is mentally ill, and I do not say that in a condescending or joking manner.

Not two days after the incredible turn of events, where D. shared some of his inner life and expressed his feelings about me, he then got angry over an innocent comment I made and ended the relationship by saying, "I can't do this anymore." The comment came in the midst of conversation. I made a joke, he said "goodbye" literally. When I attempted to find out why he responded that way, his answer was the above, I can't do this anymore. Apparently something I said hurt him though I may never know what. It's been almost a week now and though I've tried to communicate (though stopping short of being a stalker) he has yet to reciprocate. I guess sometimes I just don't know when to quit.

Now, anyone that knows me knows that you can't do that to me. You can't cut me short and then leave me hanging. All this does is make me MAD!!!! Being ignored infuriates me! Not being allowed a chance to rebut the issue is insulting and rude at best and it's making me crazy! I want a chance to defend myself, to explain myself, to redeem myself, even though I don't believe I did anything wrong. All I want is a chance to understand what is going on in his mind. The fact that he has closed down to me so completely is not just frustrating, it's making me INSANE!!!!!

Let me tell you a little bit about what INSANE looks like in my world:

**(Mon night/early Tues am) After he hung up on me, I called him back three different times. Granted it was one in the morning, but I was so pissed off that he hung upon me, that the fact that he refused to answer just made me even angrier. I wanted to have my say, dammit!!!!

**(early Tues am) I sent him about six text messages throughout the course of that night expressing all my particular "AHA" moments as they came to me. Not all of these were profound in an Oprah sort of way; in fact, none of them were profound, most of them were the product of an angry, tired mind and aching heart. Bad combinations all around! It's like drunk dialing without the booze. Or the dial.

**(Tuesday) I cried for about four hours, off and on. Fortunately no one else saw me do this.

**(Wed/Wed evening) The day after that, I cried some more, although I started to realize that maybe his personal problems were larger than I might have known. Then I sent another text message, something upbeat and perky about wanting to kiss and make up after a big fight. No response.

**(Thurs) Tried to actually get something done. It didn't work. Six baskets of laundry sit unfolded; a clean dishwasher sits unemptied; the sink full of dirty dishes sits unwashed. Thank goodness the kids are with their dad.

**(Fri) Had coffee with a friend. That helped me smile a little and actually get some work done. Friday night I cried for a little while. Then I got angry with myself and angry with him for stealing so much of my power. I folded the damn laundry.

**(Today) I discovered that the asshole posted to his Facebook page that he'd joined a dating website. I don't use the nasty adjective lightly; I have adored this man for many years. But his behavior is beyond appalling. It's as if he's out to hurt me. At 40 years old, I find this kind of immaturity flabbergasting. And I don't use the word "flabbergasting" lightly either!!!!

Many, many bad words are at the tip of my tongue at the moment but I will spare you the rage. Suffice it to say it has been made clear to me that the man has many problems of which I am not aware. But it speaks to this need I have to "fix" damaged and emotionally unstable men. It also shows me that my penchant for difficult people (see Bryan Hutchinson's article today on difficult people) is really just that: difficult. Being difficult doesn't mean that person has a great reward lying inside that only we can unwrap from their hideous behavior. Sometimes it just means that that person is not only incompatible but it could be that an they are downright mean. Nothing is worth this much pain. Maybe relationships with men are not supposed to be this difficult. Maybe it's okay if something were easy sometimes. I think I deserve a shot at that.

[janne wallace]

very true tere, very true

[tere]

I would just like to take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt condolences for your sorrow, anger and disappointment. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. OUCH! I would also like to strongly encourage you to RUN, not walk to the nearest bookstore or library and check out all of Marianne Williamson's stuff, but particularly "A Woman's Worth" and "A Return to Love". One line in one of her books still stands out to me fifteen years or more after reading the book and that is "Daughters of God don't brake for jerks." She is an amazing writer who will empower and encourage you at all levels to find the Divine core within yourself that will no longer tolerate violation by others as you grow into your own Light and strength. It is very New Age, so I hope that isn't a problem for you, but it is very helpful when you are in pain and need to feel reaffirmed and reconnected to the good in your life. Peace be with you.

[Miss K]

I really relate to a lot of what you are saying.

I also am a pro at picking people who have their own issues. It has taken me years and years to identify that I was doing this, and why. For me, I think it was a stimulation seeking behavior, it kept me engaged. It also took all of my energy and prevented me from dealing with my own poor self-esteem. AND...when you surround yourself with high maintenance people, in a sick way, it's a quick fix for feeling better about yourself "if they're so effed up, I must be doing great, because I'm not a screwed up as them!". Yech.

Anyway...I think a lot of people struggle with this, choosing complicated relationships. And I can say in my own life it has been hard for me to choose healthy ones, but I have one now and even though it's awkward for me at times, I am proud of the fact that I've pushed myself to learn healthier relationship habits/skills.

One thing that was really hard for me to learn though...nobody ever has an obligation to communicate with us. Their choice to refuse communication is theirs to make...it might mean they're an a-hole, but it's still their choice to make. Just as we have no obligation to communicate with anyone else.

This also ties in nicely to taking back your power...I mean, if you insist on communication with him, doesn't that just perpetuate a cycle that wasn't that great to start with anyway?

Our anger is ours to process. Even when it seems justified :) Someone might be a total jerk to us, but the anger lives with us, not them. This is totally not me lecturing you, I don't even know you...I just know for personal experience that those angry feelings can be really powerful, and it takes a lot of work to deal with them, but it's ours. Making someone else the source of our anger only misplaces our power...

Another thing I always remind myself of about anger...it's often just a mask for something else. Disappointment, pain, hurt...all of these things sometimes show themselves as anger. Because it feels more powerful to hold onto anger, than admit that we are feeling vulnerable. That used to be a really tough one for me...

Anyway, just some thoughts from another person who likes to pick the "bad ones". Good luck to you...you and your kids, obviously, should be your number one priority. Don't let other people's garbage muck up your healing and living...

[janne wallace]

yw jacquelyn:)

[Jacquelyn Hedden]

I appreciate this post. Thank you.

[janne wallace]

hey eileen-yes, yes, yes-ALL MEN ARE NOT DIFFICULT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIPS WITH-i literally have a proof of this to template from-from just having recently met a man and am going to get to be with this person-and his working partner (who in our situation-is not his wife-at this time. his working partner-a woman-will be joining us to help) btw-each of these people are hyper joyous and nurturing to their marriages and us..
i say us-because i'm one of their students-and they as my leaders-will be
happy to help us learn-what a breathing, and real 'ship (friend and relation) is-as well as-'feels like per their model. i'm very excited to learn of how they'll help me to process-through with which i hope they can also help me safely outrage how angry i've been at people in general-most of my life, though more specifically of late...over
my would-have-been partner for life-except for not being so because of the many problems he has-of which one is with no care to being checked of for diagnosings (btw of which is not due to lack of money-that can't pay for the diags.-for he had recently gained an inheritance-LARGE of cash.) i concluded that C. didn't really like my being careful, conscious, courageous and clarifying of (my) behavior. it was assumed of him that we were going to play the co-victimize game of uncareful, unconscious, so forth-via his lead..
throught out which in our interact was too-flabbergastingly so: negligent, unremorseful, unapologetic, clandestine-or otherwise sneaky of his behavior's conducted.
but alongside/and my no longer interacting with him-he has kids from his marriage prior (btw-she is/was unmanaged bi-polar-so his track record isn't ran of so great-whether or not-of my example to try to prove to him otherwise-i am a better risked into example to take up-of healthy and ever-so-safe-and would provide so from my necessary ability to save my own life-through processive psyche/therapy work about us) which one of-wants to come and live with him-his youngest-and only son. ..so sad for his dad-my would-have-been partner-as i am so sure-he is of greater mental illness that what i previously experienced.
beyond what could be estimated understanding of his just only being with ADHD (i don't say with ADHD-as though it is exclusive into the be of it active
going on-curable with the wave of magics-and hyper love of the person..)
ADHD in one's life is not automatic association of label-that persons are crazy-so ADHD friends caring for their life-managing themselves because they chose to get all-around careful/responsible-you have my utmost support* meanwhile for you eileen..be ever-so Divinely intervened of Helps.
the Best You that will have your back and Highest is the one that surely comes as you heal from this horrendous accident-even if elongated by years accumed-while on the way to Heaven-is that fair/accurate-to call it so?
may i make the suggest that you can outrage-with support of your anger-so that not doing so-remains UNdiffused-and possibled the risk-of yet again-attracting or being attracted to-people, okay men-who need fixing.
they need to fix themselves-and if or while they go about whichever wayward they'll move to-your own self care and empowerment are vital to worthy and embrace yourself of. ALL THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH IS JUST, PAINFUL OF NO DESERVE/DISRESPECT, AND NEEDS OUTRAGING. you also per all this time-may have been allured of a psychic/energy pull-on-your-Life-force vampire. this behavior of some people-is a real and true happening. my would-have-partner been was-and is still out and about doing this to folks-truly know-that the guy you adorned and the one that i adorned too- getting up to this-upto punking people-won't work. they'll drive a bigger bunch of women away from them-than what will be attracted to them-truly trust this. GodSource truly makes for this to occur-for i've alrteady seen how "my" C. isn't drawing many new people into his life. (i can tell you why elsewhere-if you must truly know why and how i'm getting my source)
i hope that you truly will chose-to have it out (you rage of D.) with gobs and gobs of support..
whether money has to buy it-or not. your/my's life is worth the hold up and out of joys irresitable-especially of whom IS you and i-and a glorious man ea. that really can be had in the process to co-reach for him-and he you/i-is a real manifest awaiting our Co-create to:) we're truly in process of earning the shot to-really we are:)
let us know how you're doing -as energies go on..
be ever-so well
janne w