First Time to Principal

[Liz♥]

Son got sent to the Principal's office, I heard bits from two sides to the story and I feel some things are misunderstandings and/or son is really not aware of his actions and speaking.  But there are 3 complaints from his main teacher, special Ed teacher and the office staff.

At his school they don't have a cafeteria or any type of lunch program except a "Hot Lunch" Catering service that I started using this year.  This is the third week of it.  The first week they had a dish that my son didn't like, baked Ziti, he likes my baked Ziti but says the cheese on this one is yucky.  So when I ordered lunch for the week I asked him if he wanted me to make lunch for that day instead of the Ziti (again) he said yes.

12:00 noon, (Lunch time is 11:45 -12:15) - I got a call from the office staff lady that my son came down from class  & was wondering why he didn't have his Hot Lunch as she doesn't show an order for it.  I told her he didn't get one today because he doesn't like the Ziti so I made him Ravioli for lunch and he should have it in his bag with his morning snacks. She responds by saying he doesn't like it, she responds with he likes Ravioli and not ZIti, I then tell her he doesn't like the cheese they use on it.  He forgot I told her.  She then says okay and she'll tell him.  

Boy's story:  He forgot that I packed his lunch and went to the office to check on the Hot Lunch.  He then was told "he had a lunch."  I asked him if he was upset, he said yes and all I was doing was tapping my foot while I waited for her to find my lunch. (So I can see him talking with "his tone" that sounds disrespectful/and or aggressive to grown-ups but he doesn't know he sounds that way when he is upset and he is just trying to get his views heard, but he gets flak by that time by the grown-ups, and gets more upset.  If the problem he is having gets solved, in a calm manner and no flak for the way he is saying things he'll calm down and back to "normal."  

He tells me the whole days story:  He says that his special Ed teacher told him he was being disrespectful, he said he saw a hole in the desk and that he put his pencil tip there and she thinks he made the hole.  Also something about him making funny noises and tapping his pencil on the desk.

Then the lunch thing happened, and his main teacher tells him that the office staff said he was being disrespectful when he went downstairs and he tells her he wasn't he has a witness and the boy tells her that he wasn't doing anything wrong.  The teacher turns her back then turns back to see him throwing his hands up and proceeds to take him downstairs to the principal, but just sits him down in a chair doesn't say anything to him and leaves him there.

Then he is sitting there in the office and the principal comes to talk with him.  He says the principal was nice.  But she told him that this is a warning, the next time I will have to call your parents, and the third time you will have to leave the school.  (This I feel in not appropriate to tell him)

When I went to pick him up from school his teacher tells me that he made gestures to her and thinks it's something with his hormones.  I tell her I don't know what's going on with him this week, some days he compliant and fine and the next argumentative and not fine.

On the way out his special Ed teacher stopped me in the hall to tell me about what happened.  She says that his main teacher told her he was making faces at her. (he told me he was just explaining to his friend in class about what happened in the office with his lunch and threw up his hands and she turned and thought he was making gestures towards her.)  I asked what did he do stick the finger? or what, she showed me.   By this time David came by and she asked him about the gestures.  No comment from her, as I think it was a misunderstanding about what happened there.   We had a good conversation with her and he was cooperative and calm and told his side.   He goes out to wait for us to finish.

And then she goes on to tell me about him in her class, that he is combative aggressive.   I acknowledge this and I tell her he is with us at home off and on too, and this week I don't know what's going on with him.  She says this isn't like him and that she really thinks all this can be solved by getting him on some medication.  And I should call the pediatrician and see about it as they the teachers can't diagnose him, just give him their observations.  I tell her I was looking into getting a developmental pediatrician.  I tell her finally about the Pediatrician and the evaluation and that he wants to get the assessment done first.  (I was composing an update email about Pediatrician, etc. and hadn't finished and was going to send tomorrow. ) She is adamant on medication and I sensed urgency in her voice too.   I am concerned too and tend to agree with her about medication if it will help him now.  And any other testing can be done if it doesn't work. (Just like Doug said in one of the comments here on my blogs~ thanks again Doug)

She also told me about him seeing the Principal, and the principal said she didn't need to tell the parents yet, but she said yes you do need to tell them about this.  His main teacher briefly said he went to see the principal but didn't get into it.  

I'm still in trial and error with behavior strategies him.   The ones that work are modeling/being patient and calmness, repetitive reminders, praising good behavior, and routines.  Forewarning of any changes in the routine. (Like his lunch threw the whole day out the window!  I should have reminded him, but I forgot to.  I guess I assumed he would see it at snack and would know, but he says he thought that was snack too.)

His teacher and special Ed teacher both want another early morning meeting about a behavior plan next week, I told them that I already had planned to try and set that up with them tomorrow.  So I will let them know which day next week by tomorrow.  

I'm wondering if I have to teach them how to work with him?  

I'm wondering what they can do, that I do that works, and if they will do it?

I've talked with my son about what I expect from him today and he did really good today by getting all his classwork done. Of course this was because of last night he had the meltdown and no Xbox and told him he wouldn't have XBox until it was done.  He was doing his homework in class so he could play Xbox, and not doing his classwork.  This morning I told him new rule, Classwork done in class, Homework done at home, and anything else he couldn't finish in class.  I then asked what he did once he finished all his work, if he walked around a lot, and he said no, he just sat there and played with his hands and ate his snack.  

I spoke with another parent today at his soccer practice and she says her son calls the main teacher the ice queen because she is not warm and fuzzy.  I admitted that my son calls her a witch.  Not to her face but only to me.  And I told him I don't like  him saying that, it is not nice and that he should listen to his teacher.  He's been calling her a witch since last year off and on, always when I hear from his teacher about him not focusing on his work. Old story here.  

Tired, tomorrow's another day.....Talk to current Ped. Dr., get referral for Developmental Ped. for second opinion?  Decide when to have next meeting with teachers next week.  

[Liz♥]

Just a quick update:

Had the meeting with teachers and principal.  It went well.  I was very honest about the family dynamics going on.  What I thought was going on with my boy and how I just want to do what ever will make him happy.  I gave them the list of three things he would like in class to help him:  Sit at the computer table sometimes (which actually was used as a time out for him previously), be by himself, and third take breaks from working on classwork.  I also mentioned about him standing to do work, and that he likes to doodle and maybe he could have some paper to doodle while he works on classwork as he seems to do better multi-tasking.  

I let them know the night before with an email that the Ped. Dr. will not prescribe meds or diagnose without an assessment done first and that I had contacted some Drs. for appts but would like the school to also try and get one as the sooner the better we know what we need to help him.  

So I signed a paper authorizing it, filled in behavior papers and health history papers and will turn those in to them tomorrow.

I got a copy of what I signed and I noticed a couple things of the various assessment areas:

Wechsler Intelligence Scale for Children-IV (WISC-IV) 

Behavior Assessment System for Children-II (BASC-II) <-with Observations, Interviews, functional behavioral assessment, also underlined.

I told them that I would like all areas assessed and these are two of the five areas under General Intelligence and Social & Emotional Condition/Adaptive Skills/Behavior.  So I guess the Special Ed. teacher doesn't seem to think that the Health and Sensory/Achievement, Academic Performance/Achievement and Speech/Language/Communication is necessary.

I will ask her about this as I think he has some sensory issues and is very visual and I would like that tested under the Health and Sensory/Motor Functioning area.

His academics are borderline average at this time for his grade.

His Speech/Language/Communication doesn't seem to be a problem with regard to communicating but his way of communicating is a problem so that may fall under the Social and Behavior section.

Along with these assessments we talked about a behavior plan and they designed a reward system:

Number of times stayed on task and/or completed assignments - 

Number of goals completed today -

Number of times was disruptive in class (socializing, inappropriate comments. -

all with a point scale that allows for a certain amount of video game time.  

Special Ed teacher said he wanted to start Monday but I received one for today (Thursday 9/27) with a score of 3 which would mean no video games as it was the minimum for the three sections...I didn't see this until he was asleep and I went to look at his school folders as he has a field trip tomorrow so no work.  He played his usual amt. of time after soccer practice today.  I will talk with him about this later and not count it as he spoke with the other teacher about starting later on Monday.  Today didn't start off well as my son told me he didn't sleep well and didn't want to go to school, I did tell him that if he didn't go he wouldn't go to the field trip either.  Yes I felt bad.  His dad told me later (he started speaking to me today) that our son was up early and said his legs hurt so his dad massaged them.  Since last Sunday he had some bug bites that itched (Think he got them at soccer practice on Saturday) and he wanted to stay home from school for that on Monday and Tuesday.   Monday wasn't so bad, but Tuesday was and I felt like I would have to drag him, but told him to get ready like he was going to class just in case he felt better, because I couldn't leave him home alone and I had a meeting with his teachers, of course he must of thought this was because of the principal visit, but I told him it was to find out what would help him in class and that is how I got his list of accommodations. :)  I gave him some of his allergy antihistamine and rubbed cortisone on the bites before leaving home.  After the meeting, which we were late for ran over to 8:30 and class started at 8:15 (he was in before school care with another teacher) I looked at the clock and said to his teacher, I'll go get him for class and she said he should have been sent to class already so I went to go check (his teacher had the assist. teacher in class so she was staying in the office a bit then), I ran into my son at the front door and asked him, "What are you doing here, you should be in class?" He told me that he wasn't going.  I then told him, let's go see the nurse to see what she says about your rash.  We went and to make it short - she put calamine lotion on bites, advised me to see doctor if not better in a week and I told her how I told him that it wasn't a reason not to go to school and she agreed and told him if it was itching again he could come down and get more lotion.  So off to class we went, he told me "You tricked me!" and was very upset with me.  So I had to do some trickery and psychology with him to get to school twice this week...I did ask him to forgive me for the field trip thing and that I didn't like doing that but he needs to know it isn't fair if he doesn't go to school to learn but gets to do only the fun stuff.  He brought up going to school last year and now and in the future and that he thought it wasn't fair of me.  He forgave me though :)  

Whew, I'm so tired but hanging in there!   This was suppose to be a quick update and I go blabbing away.  Good Night

[Margaret]

Hi Liz

Here are a few more ideas, since he is 10.

When he has something to do that has more then one step, highlight the steps in the directions with different coloured highlighters. Then, when he goes back to check his work (yes, he has to go back to check it), he makes sure that he did the things in yellow, green and blue for each question he answered, (just making up the colours here!) So, if he is supposed to write out his new spelling word 3 times and then use it in a sentence, writing it out is, say, yellow, and the sentence is blue. This can help in making sure that he READS all the directions, and then doesn't forget any of the steps for each question.

When he is doing a writing assignment, when he reads it through, he can trace over his capitals at the beginning of the sentace with green, and the punctuation with red (green for go - starting the sentence - red for stop at the end of the sentence).

The score system doesn't work well for kids with ADHD. It is complicated, and often takes the whole day into account, which is too long for them. Break the day into small chunks, and be specific as to what the goals are - e.g. not forgetting to raise his hand and wait for the teacher to call on him more then 3 times. (That is 3 times per "chunk" of day, not the whole day). However, this really has to be paired with a strategy to manage this behaviour - and this can only be done if they discuss the behaviour with him, and find out WHY it is happening. Does he talk out because he is afraid he will forget what he wants to say? Does he just forget to raise his hand? Does he feel like the teacher never calls on him anyway? etc. Once there is a WHY, then a strategy can be put into place to help him. I usually say no more then 2-3 goals to work on per day - otherwise it is too confusing for everyone to keep track of. It also must be done consistently!! And the goals stay the same for several months, until he is meeting them consistently on a daily basis. Then they can be changed. He should be part of the discussion as to what his goals are!

As far as school work, he needs to use a planner to write down all his homework, as well as when it is due (not everything is due tomorrow!) There should also be a section for him to write down things he needs to bring home (e.g permission slips, forms, whatever) and a section to write in ahead of time of things he needs to bring that day - e.g. if his permission slip and money for a field trip are due next Thursday, then on Thursday's page he should have written down to make sure he has brought it in. This section should be checked at least the night before. I suggest that people make their children's planner - design the page on the computer, make copies, and put it in a report cover etc for them. There should also be a place for parents to sign that they have seen the homework, and a place for the teacher to initial before the child leaves school - indicating that she has checked that he has everything written down correctly, and that she has checked that he has everything he needs to take home with him in his bag. Some teachers balk at this - too bad, someone has to check it. You can only make sure he does what comes home! You can often use one side of the page as his planner page, and the other side as a place for them to record how he does meeting his goals. That way, you see both every day.

If he has a behaviour plan, make sure that there are things in it to help, not just discipline, if you see what I mean. SO, not just discipline for fidgeting, but something in place to help him with it - fidget toys, standing,etc.

Good luck, let us know what happens!

[Liz♥]

I'm printing this out!  

My son is 10 years old.  

I've told the teacher (same teacher this year) towards the end of last year about how he is more of a visual learner but I didn't see anything incorporated.  And he doesn't have a sense of time, you hit the nail on the head with that one.  

One thing they tried was a score of 1-5 each day, that lasted about a week and a half and not consistent, then not at all.  Also, I've repeatedly asked for class weekly goals with directions if not stated on the worksheets.   ...so I found teacher may not think these are "tools."   Her concern last year was academics, since he is almost at the meets standards by 4 points, I think her focus is on his behavior now.  This is not a so called touchy-feely teacher, and I'm using another parents view, also the parent gets no follow up on things too.  This happens to be a parent with a son with dyslexia.

I also think his teacher is very, 1,2,3,4, 5 do-it kinda person as I observed on the one day I was there.  She is very fast in her multiple verbal directions and just lists things to be completed.  I am going to try and shadow him in class at least once a week.   

He is the fidgety type and has a ball that is actually a cat's toy, it has rubbery plastic like points on it that intersect, and I've told him he can keep that in his left hand while he does writing and keep it on the desk when not.  No throwing it around or bouncing it.    I've read about the cushion and standing at a counter and will bring these up at next meeting set for Tuesday.

I try to give him one goal for the day regarding either behavior or school work.

 We had a talk about how schoolwork is to be done in class and homework done at home, with any classwork that couldn't be completed that day.   I have to say he did FANTASTIC on his catching up on classwork on the same day he saw the principal! That could have something to do with it maybe, he got all his weeks worth of in-class work done, even though he sat in the corner.  I wonder if he got any praise in class for that?  I know I gave me lots.  He told me he actually doesn't mind being in the corner, I think we may make it a perk for him even if teacher thinks its a punishment.  It just maybe what he needs so he isn't distracted.

I like the standing at a counter thing, I've seen my son stand at his desk here at home so that is another idea to maybe do at school.

So far since I gave hubby some parenting pointers, he has been pretty good, a couple slips here and there but nothing major.  I've changed my way of reacting or not reacting to things with hubby and have settled on the "I'm going to try and deal with him how I am dealing with my son" ;)

Thanks Margaret, this is very helpful to help remind me also of things I've tried and what can also be tried at school.  Gonna go finish my dinner now ♥

[Margaret]

It sounds like you have a good principal, which really helps. Your son also sounds incredibly anxious!!

Have you/the school tried using visuals with him? A visual schedule to help allay his anxiety about what will happen during the day. Visual routines as reminders so he doesn't forget parts of what to do, and completes the routines. Visual reminders to focus or get back on task (this can also be done discretely so as not to embarrass him in class). Visuals should have both pictures and words.

A visual timer may really help him as well - he may have no real concept of time (very common with kids with ADHD), so 10 minutes may seem like a lifetime!! 

Is he really hyper, or just really fidgety? Well, okay, clearly he is fidgety (thinking of the pencil and the desk). He could use some fidget toys, firstly. Secondly, if he really needs to move, he may benefit from a sit 'n move cushion, or from sitting at a table on an exercise ball to do his work. Or even standing at a counter to do work (you can try this at home for homework and see how it works).

Having goals for the day (and the goal is NOT perfection) and strategies to help him reach those goals will be important. For example, if one of his problems is calling out in class, then the day can be divided into sections (generally of 90 min or so) during which he attempts to meet that goal - e.g. not calling out more then 3 times in that time period. He gets some sort of "token" (sticker, etc) if he meets that goal. The goals "re-set" for the next chunk of time. However, he should be given some sort of strategy to help him with this - eg having a small pad of paper to write down his idea or question so he will be able to remember it until the teacher calls on him when he raises his hand. I actually do this with kids in the office during an assessment if they interrupt a lot. I tell them that I really want to hear what they want to tell me, but they need to wait their turn. I ask them to raise their finger to let me know they want to say something, and I will make sure they get a turn. I give them a piece of paper and a pen so they can note down what they wanted to say (littler kids may draw a quick picture if they can't spell - it was a child who came up with that idea.). When they raise their finger, I will nod and smile at them to let them know that I see them, and maybe point to the paper they are holding (or gently encourage them to write down the thought so it is still there in a minute). I finish my sentence, and then ask them what they would like to say. I give them my complete attention, and when they are done, I thank them for waiting for me to finish my sentence. It works surprisingly well, and the kids are really proud of themselves by the end of the visit. (note, I THANK them, not praise them, for waiting. I will praise them at the end of the visit, and discuss with them if that is something that would help them at other times. Praise is important, but too much of it starts to sound hollow after a bit. However, I am exchanging courtesy for courtesy, and at the same time they know that I am pleased with them.)

Those are just a few quick thoughts for parts of a behaviour plan for school. I am sorry, I can't remember how old your son is. Can you remind me?

The other thing that may be interesting to keep track of is how his behaviour fluctuates, and how that may relate to how you and your husband are getting along - i.e is he worse the day after there has been a big argument, is he better or worse when your husband is giving you the silent treatment, etc.

[Liz♥]

I spoke his principal casually in the beginning of school, as she is a new principal and I wanted  to get her views about AD/HD etc. and she has a grown son with it, so is very informed ~ thank goodness.  She is also very nice.  I called her today and we had a nice talk.  I told her who I was and that we spoke before, she remembered me.  

Asked her if she spoke to them all and she did, she gave me info to what they told her.  I then asked if I could tell her how my son saw it and she listened.  About how I've been communicating with his teachers and what I've told them already.  About how his main teacher and the positive reinforcement works better than negative.   Positive = Positive, Negative = Negative.  About his self esteem dropped off last year.  He seems to be getting worse since school started. Told her about how he gets when upset and also that I don't think he is "aware" of how he sounds and comes off to grown ups.  That we have tried the talks about respect, tone, etc. and I don't think he is aware or can't control it, especially when upset, which he was about teacher telling him the day before if he wasn't quiet tomorrow he'll have to sit in the hall to do his work (forgot to mention that previously above) so he was worried all night and then the next day, about it and then the issue with his lunch occurred and he got was very upset so much of this wasn't necessarily disrespect towards others just being upset.  I told her how when things go wrong he looks to me, or grown ups to solve things and that didn't happened yesterday.

I also explained to her about asking Spec. Ed Teacher about assessment and his Drs. etc.  She told me she isn't privy to that so I have to work with her on that.

She said she'll note to his teacher about the positive reinforcement as it is also a Montessori thing to do.  I told her about our next teachers/parent meeting about a behavior plan and I will cc her also when I decide when it will be next week.

[doug puryear]

oh boy, i'm glad we're past that.  wish i had good advice - like, relax a little, it is important but not that important and you cant control what you cant control.   easy for me to say.

good luck

doug