just needing to vent.......

[Melissa Raines]

It's been a while since I've blogged , I didn't do anything for halloween & we didn't have any tricker treater's in our trailor park since it did nothing but pour rain all day & all night , I wonder what my big man was for halloween or if Gerald & Grace( his adoptive parents) or if they did something different w/ him given the fact that they are very very very christian people. Halloween was really rough for me , miss my big man so badly that I just wanted to curl up & cry until I couldn't cry any more , I have my days when I'm ok but then I have my days where little things pop up reminding me of William . Lately these days I have found myself being more & more angry with the Dss system , i'm not so much angry @ Leslie any more as I am angry with being how the system treated me . I really wish there was some one here in NC I could talk to as far how messed up the Dss system in NC , it bother's in the since that I know that I am not the only woman this has happended to . Emotionally I'm a wreck , I've been incredibly irritible lately plus Jeremy's Ocd definately doesn't help my ADD any & his ADHD just aggrovates , since I'm totally the opposit way - on top of all of this Jeremy & I continue to struggle with the never ending issues in our relationship , I love Jeremy with all my heart , I know that god means for us to be together ( even tho we aren't married) I just wish he would try a little harder to understand me ( my ADD) to understand how senstive I am but @ the same time realizing that I have alot of gifts & talents . Truth of the matter is I'm really emotionally struggling with loosing William , I know that I should be thankful that William was adopted by wonderful christian people who want give him what was best for him , just like I wanted what was best for him - how ever I can't help but feeling like (Gerald & Grace) took my place , there for left me feeling like I have no place in William's life. I signed those paper's simply because I was backed into the wall by the system & I was mentally & emotionally tired of trying to fight already screwed up system , that i just simply gave in - I was numb when I signed those papers - just never thought that in million yrs that I would give my son up 8 yrs & one days after bringing him into this world , Now 5 months later I'm an emotional wreck , when Jeremy & I are arround our friends and their kids , I put on a front all smiles , I interact with the kids especially our friend's 7 month old son as well another friend of our's 2 yr old son ( who reminds me alot of William) - how ever I might have a smile on my face but deep down in the pit of stomach I'm am just crying , my soul hurts and I just want to be some where else other than where I am at. I've been really getting on to Jeremy to get me a little dog so I can get my mind of William & all this emotional mess I got going inside.

[Janet Rothstein]

I am so sorry to hear that you had to give up your little boy. I can't imagine giving up my son but I get that you feel you had no options and that makes me feel sadder for you. I don't think you recover from this but you can have a purpose to be passionate about working at becoming the best you can be in life so William will be proud to see what you accomplished while thinking of him with love. with great compassion. Janet