Over-sensitive and breaking down!

[Stephanie Gobler]

Lately, I've had quite a bit of positive stuff that I could've been writing about, but I've oddly been too busy to do that. Since the start of the year, I've thrown out my back, gotten better, got back into triathlon training full-force, managed to catch the cold-like crud that's been going around, returned to work/life after nearly a week of being sick, and it's not even the end of January yet! In the midst of all of that, I found time to embark upon a relationship w/ a guy who actually seems pretty great...that's a rare find for me. Beyond that, work has been going well for a while... I have felt more focused at work (when I've not been doped on pain pills for my back or cold meds), and I've gotten a lot done. We get really busy at the start of the year, and I had the opportunity to work on a lot of small preliminary project designs w/ the boss man...that's always a good chance to really put my brain to work. I worked late and multi-tasked like a monster. Then I got sick, but I returned this week, and by yesterday, I was back at it, multi-tasking, on the ball trying to pick up where I left off, proposing ideas even. As far as I know, I've been doing pretty well and working my ass off.

Then, there's the less-than-positive side of how I'm doing....

The boss seems to have been pleased with me lately...at least, he seems more pleased than not. I stayed a few hours late one day, just me and the boss, so it really gave me a chance to prove myself (which has been needed, I feel). Well, today I got a major blow to the ego... my direct supervisor who's over the design team (not the boss man, but the guy who answers to boss man) tore me a new one.

He lost his lid over something that I thought wasn't a big deal. I'd printed something for him earlier in the morning, got over-focused on some other work, and by the time I went to the printer to retrieve his stuff, it was gone... my assumption (I know, never assume...) was that he'd gotten off the printer like usual. He did not, and he was pissed. I apologized and ran to my desk to print it again, problem solved... or not. He continued to rip into me in front of another co-worker on the design team (luckily the rest were at lunch). Accusations that I don't take my job seriously were flying out of his mouth, and he even challenged me by saying that if it didn't change I needed to be looking elsewhere for a job!

Now, had this been the main boss man, I'd have felt more weight than I do from this outburst. As far as I know, I've been working hard...spread too thin, quite possibly, and afraid to ask for help (b/c this is the kind of reaction I fear). This isn't the first time in the past few years my supervisor has gone nutso, but I don't handle that kind of criticism well, especially in front of other people!!!

After another unpleasant exchange w/ this guy, I left the office (it was lunchtime, thank God) in tears...eyes hidden behind sunglasses, but tears were streaming down my cheeks. I just prayed nobody noticed.

I wish there was an easy way to know how to respond to this sort of crap! I feel like my nature is to get extremely upset and take everything SO personally... even though I know this guy has his moody moments. My failures are always related to ADD moments, but I can't use that as an excuse. I'm spread too thin and easily distracted... I do forget things, no matter how many to-do lists and notes I leave myself, because I'm constantly being handed other things to do... and nobody seems to feel the need to give me any priority level other than "right now!" How do I handle this? I am also one of the only females on the design team, so he could probably talk the same way to the guys (and at times he does) w/o them feeling so beat down.  I feel like this isn't right, but it's life... I can't make people respect me or treat me right just b/c I am sensitive.

Is there a simple fix to not be so sensitive?

Oh... and now, I can't focus at all b/c my mind is so wrapped up in what happened earlier. Despite my morning of hard work and being able to concentrate, I'm back to my usual mess... ugh!

[Stephanie Gobler]

Laura - I actually have heard great things about that Boundaries book, and I actually think I bought it a few years ago but never actually sat down to read it. I think it's about time to give it a look now though! Thanks.

[Laura Goodman Cross]

HANG IN and keep HANGING IN there!  It sounds like some pretty tough circumstances to me.  But remember this, when things get tough-the tough get going!  If you're going in early and working through lunches, training for a triathlon and still keeping the faith with church, etc., you sound pretty dang tough in my book!

And you're probably right about working with men that also may get chewed up and spit out, without your knowing it and it probably doesn't affect them as much.  There are major differences in how things are processed so differently in the minds between that of males and females.  

However, there is a book that you might want to consider reading and I wish I would've had this to refer to in my earlier days once when I worked for a very intimidating boss.  I think it might give you some clarification on whether or not you are being mistreated by your superiors.  The book is written by Christian psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The name of the book is "Boundaries" and it has helped me understand a lot of experiences in my life to this day.

Will be keeping you in my prayers! 

   

[Lee Yates]

ADHD often leaves us defensive and with low self esteem. 

It is often hard to figure out if someone is being unfair or if I'm taking things personally that are not.

One approach that has helped me is "flipping the question."

Instead of "What did I do to upset them?" I try asking, "What is going on with them to cause such a tirade." 

This still allows me to self reflect and see if the answer involves my actions, which is sometimes the case.

More often, it is something going on in their life and has little to do with me.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you DON'T value the job like they do.

When your priorities are different from the group you have to remind yourself that there are consequences, but that its OK. You chose them. People will try to motivate you to see the world and value the issues through their lenses. A screaming boss can be a reminder of WHY you put church and family above this job. If you just laugh (not in his face) at the temper-tantrums of a high-pressure office, and remember there are bigger things in life, it might protect your feelings a little more.

None of that means you will keep the job, but you might keep your sanity and your priorities with a little less pain.

[Stephanie Gobler]

Margaret - THANKS, those are great tips!!!

I guess my use of "a bit of a mess" is more how I see myself... my area is no messier than the guys I work with. In fact, I've never seen a desk in an architecture firm that wasn't a bit of a mess. It makes me feel like a mess, even though we all kind of have the same thing going on  (one guy has boxes, clothes, lunch pail, and work stuff piled up)!

I have definitely made a point of taking notes, I even refer to my "list" of things mid-conversation sometimes.

I like the idea of a private log for myself...it's easy to overlook the things I do right when it seems that the only things that get attention from the higher-ups are the mistakes, rather than successes. I need reminders sometimes that I'm not a screw up :)

I've gotten better at playing that game... it's tough b/c I'm sarcastic and joke around a lot (we all do). In a relaxed office, I don't wanna toot my own horn too much b/c nobody else does. The tough part about not talking about my life outside of work is how so many ppl are curious about the races/training I do, so they ask about it a lot. I think it's become impressive to some how I balance it all...because I do balance it well these days.

It's just that many seem unaware that an unmarried person w/ no children can have important commitments outside of work. We all have our challenging days though...like the time I recently pulled an all-nighter on a Sunday (after taking work home that weekend), went for a 5:30am swim, get to work an hour early, worked through lunch, stayed a bit late late, and still had to make it to my counseling session that evening. I had a coworker accuse me the next day of not working hard on something (bc I wasn't seen staying late)...rather than blowing up at her like I wanted, I just threw out there that I prefer to take work home over the weekend rather than stay late during the week (though my therapist discourages me bringing stuff home)!

Thanks for the tips tho... those are things I definitely could think about!

[Margaret]

Hi

Just a couple of things that come to mind.

First, yhou say that you are "a bit of a mess". What does that mean? Does your work area stand out in the office as messy/disorganized? This can give an impression of incompetence (you aren't, it is just how non-ADDers read this sometimes). Do you tidy your work space before you leave? Even if you can just sweep everything into an empty drawer and pull it out the next morning, or into a file box and stick it under your desk, it can help. Also, make sure that your physical appearance is not a mess - dress in keeping with the office culture, etc.

Second, start a notebook, and when you need to ask for help, make sure that your boss sees you writing down the answer. It makes it look like you are taking it seriously, so you won't have to ask next time (and you won't since it is in your book!)

Third, keep a private log of the things that you have done well, and the things that have been your idea that have been implemented or that others have copied. This helps you feel good about yourself and your performance. This is just for you to look at, nobody else! Don't leave it out!

Fourth, "play the game" at the office. You say that you wear your "game face", but it doesn't sound like you are playing the game. If they define themselves by their job, then talk up that side of yourself at work. ("Wow, I'm really ready to grab a coffee, I started at 7 this morning as I really wanted to get x done. I'm really glad that I am able to come in early; I can be so productive when the office is quiet in the morning. Staying late is difficult for me to do without a lot of planning!") That sort of thing. Not bragging, but letting them know in a subtle way that you take your job very seriously. By the same token, don't talk about your "non-work life" at work if they don't.

Make yourself pleasant, accessible/approachable, and friendly in a work related way. These are not your best buds, but they can be helpful, and make life more pleasant at work. Even if your supervisor remains a jerk, the support of co-workers can be invaluable in situations like that.

These are just some ideas that I am throwing out - they may not be applicable at all, but take what works for you!

[doug puryear]

i believe you, and makes sense to be careful - but to me , asking for help is a sign of strength.  i dint develop that skill til very late in the game.

best wishes

doug

[Stephanie Gobler]

Yeah, I just have to be careful who to ask for help... around here it can be seen as a sign of weakness, so it's intimidating.

[doug puryear]

stephanie

is there a reason you dont ask for help? that can be a good strategy.  ( i guess there must be)

best wishes

doug

[Stephanie Gobler]

Our office is fairly small (about 20 people total), so the HR department consists of one woman who's been here forever. I'm always hesistant to ever ruffle feathers around here, despite having worked here for over 5 years, simply b/c I can never gauge other people's perspectives on things.

The only response I have is that I do take this job seriously... I'm 30-year-old healthy runner/triathlete I still have a high blood pressure, which I can only assume is related to work stress. I was encouraged by my counselor to keep work at work and separate it from home/non-work time. I had to do that just to keep myself above water.

What they see is this:

I leave work on time most days (rarely stay too late) to either go workout/run obsessively or socialize with friends.

My life outside of work is my priority, so work doesn't matter too much to me.

At work, I keep to myself, don't ask a lot of questions, and am a bit of a mess. I don't appear take my work too seriously b/c I don't talk about it non-stop, I guess I try to fly under the radar. I do make mistakes, but rarely ask for help.

I am not concerned by mistakes b/c I brush them off. I seem unemotional/uninvolved with important issues.

The reality:

Many days I get to work pretty early, just to get started. I work through lunch at times when I'm feeling hyper-focused b/c I know I'm at my best at those times. I rarely stay late b/c of these two things...and b/c I choose to come in a bit early/work through lunch to be able to have my time outside of work available.

My non-work life is a priority b/c it includes my church life, my friends/family, and my triathlon training. That's not my whole life, but just as my job, these are all pieces of a whole. Many of my co-workers are the type to define themselves by work. I define myself by my relationship with Christ, my friends/family, my physical/athletic goals, and I support all of these with my professional ambitions. My counselor can vouch for the fact that by balancing all of these more evenly, I'm healthier, happier, and finally doing well after years of treading water.

At work, I put on a tough face b/c I feel like I have to. I am afraid to ask questions b/c I never know the response I'll get from the supervisor...he's always either hot or cold. I fear being belittled for not knowing/remembering something, no matter how much I want to know or seek answers on my own, I fear having to ask (I've been told "you should know this" a few times by him).

At work, I keep my game face on, but internally, I'm often worried/stressed. I don't let them see me get teary-eyed with fear that I'll mess up. I work w/ a bunch of guys, so I feel the need to be tough. I just don't know how to do it w/o appearing aloof. I also don't want to look like a baby for getting upset by things that seem small.

[Margaret]

That would have sent me out of the office in tears as well. I don't think you are being over-sensitive.

I don't know why someone would have taken your stuff off the printer (is that the office culture?), but it was not a gigantic issues, you just re-print it. Now, if you had trashed the file after printing, then it would have been a big deal!

Do you have an HR department? What this guy is doing is very inappropriate. He is your supervisor, and should treat you respectfully, even if he is giving you some constructive criticism. This doesn't sound like it was constructive, nor was it respectful!!!