SPIRALING INTO CONTROL

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Hey everyone! I am posting an article by Dr. Nancy Irwin. When I read the article it reminded me of what I used to do a lot (totally guilty) and, from time to time, still do, but, I have learned to control it and I get better results thanks to my 'follow' through. This article isn't that long; however, the message is very clear and direct (just like I need it sometimes) with more meaning than many articles much longer.

SPIRALING INTO CONTROL
By Dr. Nancy B. Irwin

Most of us feel that things are spiraling out of control from time to time. Life certainly throws challenges at us. What if it were possible to spiral into control?

Imagine if everything you do, think, feel carries into the next action, thought, feeling that you experience? What if everything were an endless circle rather than linear, with a fixed beginning and end, as most of us see it?

We all know there is a before, during, and after phase of most processes. There is a beginning, a middle, and an end. What if we began to see these phases as preparation, execution, and follow-through? How we release (follow-through) can directly affect the preparation phase of the next process we take on.

Athletes know this. How you follow-through on one shot directly affects subsequent ones. The golfers who throw their clubs down and swear at the ball after a shot are ruining the follow-through (and actually, mysteriously, the execution of the ball they just drove!), as well as the next shot. Those golfers, who extend the same positive energy through that crucial follow-through phase, improve. It’s a cumulative effect….a never-ending cycle. Do you want it to be helpful or hurtful?

How you follow-through on a job interview directly affects the interview you just left as well as all subsequent ones. Some interviewees walk out of a prospective boss’s office reviewing how well they handled some of the questions, what skill sets they might need to strengthen, etc. Some walk out with thoughts like “Who am I kidding? I was an idiot in there….he’d never hire me. I suck at interviews.” That attitude and negative energy sets you up perfectly to “blow” the next interview. If you have a positive follow-through, you have a more positive preparation period, and hence a more productive execution next time.

How you walk away from an unhealthy relationship directly affects all your subsequent ones. When your mate breaks up with you, do you make that mean “Love never works out for me. Women…you just can’t trust ‘em. It ALWAYS ends like this!” While you certainly have a right to feel upset/hurt/rejected/disappointed, honor those feelings, discharge them in a healthy manner (without blaming the entire opposite gender of our species), focus on what you’ve learned from this relationship, and let the pain go. That will lead you directly in preparing for the next relationship with more personal power.

How you walk out of an audition directly affects all of your subsequent ones. You can focus on the fact that you met a new casting director, got a chance to perform (albeit for free!), on refining your audition skills, networking with your peers, and more - - - all of which can feed into your next auditions.

It ain’t over when it’s over. The fat lady never stops singing! Allow that music (your “Inner Fat Lady”!) to carry you forward in that never-ending spiral of growth and learning in all areas of your life.

While there are many things out of our control, our response to any circumstance is well within our control. As Viktor Frankl states in Man’s Search for Meaning, “…everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

Spiral up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, what did you think of Nancy's message? Can you relate? Personally, as an ADDer, I think we (my past experience) have a natural way of reacting with a bad follow through. It's not necessarily our fault, its just that we are so used to things going the wrong way and after a while, we fall into the trap of negative thinking, beliefs and, I know from personal experiences, can lead to depression.

For more information about Dr. Nancy Irwin visit her website: www.drnancyirwin.com

Special Suprise coming in the future!! Nancy is generously sending me a copy of her book YOU TURN, autographed for a future ADDer World giveaway... one of you will be winning her book :-) In a future giveaway contest! www.makeayou-turn.com

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Debbie, I am pretty sure I saw the video when he told that story of the nursing home lady (he's probably told it many times), but that's a wonderful story and perfect example of how good and necessary self-love is. If we can't love ourselves or want to enjoy time with ourselves, how can we love anyone else?

Hey Sally, that is a different kind of dream, but, you get to choose who comes in your house and who doesn’t and it is your right to choose. I don’t know lol – I have never been able to make heads or tails of my dreams. Sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter and you. I don’t know the back story, but if it is enough to make you dread going there than it stands to reason that there is something which must be resolved. Easier said than done, I know. How about, before you go to the visit, imagine it how you would like it to go, fully visualize the entire trip in a positive way, a way that will be beneficial to both of you and me each of your needs somewhere in the middle. Imagine that, visualize it happening clearly and believe you can help facilitate the positive actions and reactions. Sometimes, when I dread something and think of it enough, I have the habit of bringing exactly the situation I dread to fruition and I know all the while that I may have avoided it if I had found a different perspective. Again, easier said than done, but, practice makes near-perfect !

[Sally]

Debbie, thanks for your imput. I think I can compare working on positive feelings easier with faking it then negative thoughts that is something I have always had to do. I don't believe in bringing other people down with me, it's funny though if I do happen to mention to someone I'm having a bad day they don't believe me and disreguard my feelings. Better this way then being on a downer all the time.

You mentioned Dr. Amen, the rest of the group have heard me a thousand times so I'll make iot short but I have been forunate enough to have the brain scans done at his clinic in CA and also do my medicine management each month for a long time. I know about ANTS. If you are familiar with the different types of ADHD that he talks about I think there are 6 I can't remember anyway I am all about the limbic system and one of the functions in that system is about overfocusing if you have ADHD. So when I am stuck on negative thoughts I get the double whamy of negetive thoughts. It drives my family crazy I will drive a conversation into the ground until they get it. They have already gotten it 2 months ago and I still want to be sure. :) I think I am funny and it really pisses them off. Anyway I appreciate your comments and congradulations on your flying progress that took so much courage. I can so relate to your anxiety I can't do elevators. I don't understand were these phobias come from but it's real and I think you are awesome to have gone thru that. Yea!

[Sally]

Bryan we must be twins and think alike except when I don't agree:) Or when you don't agree, I heard you say that. It's funny while I was writing Melissa I was feeling and usually feel that she isn't asking for advice either just sharing her journal and needing acceptance which we all need. I hope she will try this with another group that can help her, that's what it's all about.

Damn, your'e as smart as I am, but this week you get the smarter prize. You are right about me not trying to control the universe and to chill out. That is so hard for me. I needed you telling me it's okay to chill now I need to know exactly how long I can chill. Is that sick or what! I know you get it and have been there. My body is the first thing that reacts like you said and this week more than ever I have been picking my scalp like a mad man. I know what has set it off. I am going to my daughters house in Chicago in a few weeks and that is a danger zone for me. I am a very accepting whipping post and am reminded of every thing I do wrong each day. Poor Me. I have tried both strategy's fighting it and not fighting it, we know which one works the best and by the time I get home I am sick and worn out and probably bald this time from being on my best behavior.

This is so weird, I have a big parrot and she shows up alot in my dreams to give me messages, usually I see her stuffed in a very small cage and no one feeds her enough and I am desperatly trying to get to her. In real life I never keep her in a cage. Okay Sally start taking better care of yourself or you are going to have a break down. To late, I went for the breakdown.:)

I haven't had a dream about her in a long time and have even thought that to be strange until last night. In my dream last night she was in a cage with another parrot and the cage was out side. I told my parrot to come in the house and the other one didn't have the strength to argue with me that I really didn't want it to come in too and I felt really guilty that I wouldn't let her in. It's been bothering me today that I wouldn't let her pitiful self in the house. This one is telling me just what you said let go and chill out or it is saying there is someone that is interested in having a relationship with me and there is no way I want one it is to much work. Is this all about controling the universe? Thanks for your input I appreciate it so much. I am not one to take things personally and I welcome constuctive critisisum. I already know I can't spell and I guess it doesn't bother me. WOOT!

[Debbie George]

I took a fear of flying class a few years back because I was extremely fearful about flying (I still don't like t) and needed some kind of intervention in order to take a long , important trip. One of the coping mechanisms they taught was, when you get off a flight, don't feel extremely relieved that you didn't crash or extremely proud that you made it. You need to bring the positive expectation into the "given". Of coarse you didn't crash, of coarse you could do it, you should naturally expect that you can do it next time, too, don't make it a big deal. We were told to try to enjoy SOMETHING about the experience, even if it were just the smile the stewardess gave before we even took off. You have to generate something positive to build on. In a NEGATIVE reaction or an overly positive one that throws emotion back to the fear or failure (oh gosh, I thought I couldn't, but I did) sets you up for those old negative thought patterns that you want to put in the past.


If the world doesn't give us positive feedback, we need to create our own. The only way to move in a forward positive direction is to leave the negative feeling behind and take a positive one to go with the next positive one that is surely coming. This just takes practice.

Wayne Dyer retells a story about an elderly woman who was waiting to be taken to her first nursing home room (something most of us would dread). When she was asked to let them know if anything was wrong with her room, she replied, "Heavens, no, it will be perfect." When asked how she knew, she replied, "Because I will be in it!"

Outside of clinical depression that needs medication, we need to work at being positive with as much effort as we work at being negative - it IS a choice we all can make. Many prominent psychotherapists now agree we can begin to make ourselves happier to start by faking it - even if you don't feel it. The emotion usually can follow. If you leave yourself today with a positive thought, no matter how small, your first thought tomorrow will start there.

Sally, you didn't put a bad spin on anything, but reinforced the idea that you have to work at being positive - it doesn't just fall in your lap. I am sure that in searching for a way to succeed, with the help of your dr and with the right med (how wonderful to be willing to be open enough to use all the tools in the chest) you will certainly find it. I believe in the law of attraction only in that when we generate an emotion - good or bad - most likely we will attract more of it.

Dr Daniel Amen talks about ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) and a very specific set of questions to ask yourself to get rid of them. These ANTS take conscious effort to keep at bay. These ANTS have caused me more pain than the ones in my kitchen. They are both still there, but I am better at getting rid of the negative ones in my head. I wonder if Dr Amen makes house calls?

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Very nicely put Montana! You pointed out the critical sync factor and keeping in sync means adjusting well, but not sabotaging our follow through at the same time. We always need to make adjustments to the things we do and the way we think; however, when we do those things we must be grounded and do them with awareness and not simply a quick, negative reaction.

[MontanaShepherdess]

Nancy's article reinforces my belief that seasons and cycles are important grounding factors for people with ADHD. Our minds record / have a sense of 'where we left off' when we depart from an activity. What Nancy calls follow-through (a sports-origin term) also involves a sense of 'registration' (art world term). I think your mental recall of where you left off in a previous activity can be reinforced using mindfulness strategies. If you purposefully leave a metaphoric 'place marker' in a mental schema of some activity, this will positively affect your next steps, your ability to improve at a task, your ability to evolve to a higher level of reiteration in some skill or strategy. When we perceive or anticipate a loss of control and then resort to abortive reactions and negative thought responses, we let our emotions damage the follow-through and we lose sync. Grounding can help us keep track of cycles and make sure we engage in good follow through.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Hi Janice! Glad to hear about your full circle with the music and look forward to hearing about your solo performance. You go girl! I know exactly what you mean with spacing out. It is very difficult to control.

Sally, I really didn’t see anything wrong with your response to her. However, in a sensitive situation things can get a bit mixed up. I agree on certain specific things, it is best to find a specific group where people will be more likely to have some answers and advice. Sometimes people aren’t looking for answers or advice and just want to write about what is on their mind and that may have been the case in that post. Not sure. You are both good people so hopefully your response clears things up.

You still remind me of me! Sometimes I was just too darn hard on myself and it took a lot of good mentoring for me to get out of that phase, after all it had lasted for decades. Still I think it is good to get worn out from time to time, because, it is in those moments of being worn out that we may realize another direction, or, perhaps see something we were missing. Being worn out is a way of the body communicating with the mind, to perhaps slow down, stop thinking so much and just meditate without thought and just let whatever comes, come. Maybe we caught up in reigning in ourselves and put so much control on everything that the natural laws just can’t work? It does seem that when I get fed up and walk away from something for a little while that I usually find the answers I am looking for.

I am here; we can discuss the universe anytime :-) Maybe we will find some answers and maybe we won’t, but let’s not try to control it too much. The meditations I listen to have the term ‘let go and just breathe’ and I have found that too help a great deal. Otherwise my mind can get so caught up and jammed. Not that that is happening to you, just my experience….

[Sally]

Thanks Bryan, I'm glad you know me I take that as a complement.:) I have read your book twice maybe another time wouldn't hurt. I understand what the concept is of the Secret and also Nancy's article and I believe in it whole heartedly but it doesn't seem to make things better. I have been in counceling before you were born and couldn't be more greatful. I really think I am just worn out from the effort for so long with not much reward. I won't give up that's to easy.

I blew it with Melissa today and really feel bad. I don't know what anyone elses thoughts are if they read it but would appreciate your comments on how I presented the subject and if I over stepped my boundaries even saying anything. Her situation is so sad and ssooooo out of reach to help her in a legal way and not be in her shoes for emotional support.

I think I won the book today. WOOT! (what does woot mean?)

[Janice Adamson]

I think the hardest thing with having ADHD is knowing that you are smarter than what is percieved on paper. I remember embarrassing moments where teachers walked away exasperated, because they couldn't come up with an alternate way to teach me. I remember during a martial arts class that after throwing ten people, I just stopped dead, not remembering what I was even doing. I've lost blocks of time in classes, and prayed that teachers wouldn't call upon me for answers as I was in a zoned out mode, coming to 45 mins. later. Technically failing Grade nine (they allowed the pass because the two courses that I'd failed were both 49%) I remember being confused and angry knowing I was so much more capable than the marks I was receiving. Alot lied within interest of a subject or a teacher, or a particular learning style. I passed gradr 12 Art only because I didn't have to write the final exam...I had been in a car accident and couldn't sit for long periods. However although I was good, artistically, I didn't care about the right and left side of the brain, color wheels, etc. I recently completed and Art residency which was free, but a grueling process to get into, with many people vying for a free studio spot for a period of six months. It was all self-directed and self taught. I've been asked to do a solo exhibition in August. Musically I never had the confidence to return, until two years ago. My parents had placed me in piano lessons when I was seven, and I could not "get it". I now have my first solo performance the first wknd of June. I've taken both classical voice and guitar lessons for the last two years. The voice is more of a natural ability, however the guitar has and remains quite the challenge. Imade sure to explain to my instructors that I was ADHD, and they have made a number of modifications, and incorperated various learning styles to see what worked.

[Bryan Hutchinson]

Hi Sally,

I can so understand where you are. It took years of professional therapy for me to get to where I am today with my attitude. I like the article because it does articulate very well one of our most confounding and heartbreaking realities and to overcome it is not something we can just 'will' ourselves to do - as a matter of fact, I don't think this is something anyone can just snap and change, with or without ADHD - However, with that said, such an article kind of opens up the senses and shows us something we might not have entirely realized.

Don't give up Sally, no, never, please never give up. I know you can get there. You are reminding me so much of myself from days gone by. If you haven't read my book, I urge you to please do; you might find a lot of information about my life which could be helpful to you. Also, about The Secret, not only do I talk about and discuss The Secret in my book, I also write a lot about it on my blog www.adderworld.com, in the lower left column on my blog, just search for Secret and you will find those articles. The Secret is really about finding a new way to think of things and attract good vibrations into our lives, it’s like the follow through, our follow through brings upon the next event and so on.... nothing is easy about this and therefore is the reason so many of us find it so hard to utilize in our everyday lives, most especially those of us with ADHD!

I am thinking about you Sally! I feel like I know you, you remind me of someone very close and dear to me: ME!

Blessings,

Bryan