Time and Responsibility and how to teach it to my 10 year old.

[Liz♥]

My son is all about having choice and gets angry when he feels he doesn't have one.  For instance he doesn't have the concept of adult authority over his life and fights it constantly with us his parents and his teachers.  The choices in life can be hard and I'm trying to teach him that sometimes we have to do what we don't want to do.  

Basically responsibility, which his father isn't the greatest model because he isn't very responsible himself and thinks his son will get responsible when he grows up.  

I asked my son one day, "What age do you think you get responsibility?"  His reply was, "When I become eighteen."  I then went on to try and explain to him that he has to learn it a bit at a time, and most people get more and more responsibility with every year of their lives and it is a part of growing up.

I've never thrust chores on him and I've tried to make a chore/allowance deal with him but that didn't last long.  Everything has to be a deal with him :(  He does pick up his play area as it is his area.

Of course when he complains about me "getting on him" about things, like homework, picking up his dirty clothes, taking his lunch box to the kitchen, etc. - I mention it is my responsibility as a parent to do what I do and I do it because I love him.  If I didn't then I wouldn't bother.  He's only 10 years old but very smart.  Some things he'll negotiate like a seasoned lawyer and some things he'll just have to learn in time.  

And speaking of time, I'm very OCD about being on time so maybe some of that will rub off :)

[Liz♥]

http://www.livesinthebalance.org/what-is-collaborative-problem-solv...

[Liz♥]

Thank you Doug and Margaret!  You could probably see a little rant in my post as I was a bit frustrated at the time.  I will work on incorporating the privilege/responsibility into my repertoire ~ I feel that my boy and I are both learning how to do things differently and I've talked with him about how we are both learning and need to be patient with each other as we learn to be happier people.

Son had a great day at school, teacher told me he "started to misbehave and caught himself and changed his behavior."  This I am taking as my blessing of the day :)   I mentioned this to him and told him I'm proud that he is trying to take the positive way and asked him if he was proud of himself and he was ♥   His behavior report was a 7+ out of 9 points regarding his school behavior plan.  A good day, yesterday was a 3. 

[doug puryear]

 1. i don't know how to raise kids (raised 4)

2. each kid is different

3. in general, telling kids things may be the least effective way to accomplish anything

4. the collaborative problem solving suggestion from margaret is good - i recommend an old book, PET, parent effective training, by gordon

5. unless both parents are on the same page, it is much more difficult

6. no matter what, it is difficult.

good luck and best wishes

[Margaret]

Look up collaborative problem solving. It is a really good way  to deal with kids with ADHD.  The other thing is that I tell kids that privileges and responsibility are 2 sides of the same coin. If you want the privilege of riding your bike to your friend's house, you need to show the responsibility of wearing your helmet, riding safely, and obeying the traffic laws. If you want the privilege of playing in the living room, then you have the responsibility of putting your toys away. If you want the privilege of Mom doing your laundry so you have clean clothes, then you have the responsibility of picking them up and putting them in the dirty clothes basket. If you want the privilege of your own room then you have the responsibility of keeping it tidy. If you want the privilege of having toys, clothes, etc, then you have the responsibility of taking care of them.

If you don't fulfil the responsibility, then you don't get the privilege. However, if you show the responsibility, then you should get the privilege.